Una's Bowl - Blog Posts

something about looking at your hands to understand if you are dreaming or not + also looking at them to understand if an image is ai generated or not

i chase the sun with my eyes down, down behind the mountains and i gaze upon clear night skies behind my fingers; the star we once promised to take care of shines between them. your voice is hoarse from talking too much, you are laying down with an arm under your head and i vaguely remember how talking with you felt like because dust has covered my memories after too many years. i'm still spending the best hours of my day thinking about you

HAMMOND B3 ORGAN CISTERN by GABRIELLE CALVOCORESSI

then, Dazai lifts his head. evening sun streaming through the window paints walls of the agency in golden hues, while everyone in front of it melds together like palm trees in sunset paintings, their figures silhouetted against the light. he gazes at these people, unable to distinguish who they are; a gentle breeze tousles their hair all at once, they laugh simultaneously, and like palm trees swaying in the wind, they emit a single sound. yet he knows if he were to focus, he could distinguish each of everyones’ unique way of laughing. and if he listens carefully enough, he might hear his own laughter too because he finally understands what this is all about, what is there to laugh at. the wind, as if finishing its work with them, comes to him and caresses his head. the sun, merging their silhouettes, shines in his eyes too and the feeling is almost too much for him to bear. his eyes meets with Atsushi’s and the boy smiles knowingly. twenty-two years, he thinks. now I belong somewhere. he smiles back.

once, someone (he doesn't even remember who), between their unnecessarily praising speech to mori, mentioned how much his bandaged executive and him are similar. dazai was zoned out the whole speech so this small, unconsidered statement felt like a punch in the gut and suddenly he became extremely nauseous. they went on with their nonsense, mori listened with a polite smile on his face and all dazai could focus on was suppressing his urge to puke right into the speakers mouth, all over this huge room of mori's and finally on mori himself. he visualized in his head how his vomit will choke the speaker and how it'll pour from mori's hair. the smell would be awful.

later on, he stared at his distorted reflection on a puddle. a breeze lifted his coat, he smiled slightly and a few seconds later he was bent over to empty his whole stomach. he never had to vocalize it because he already knew. but how come others realize it too? he felt himself full of something sticky and poisonous, melting everything inside him and re-shaping them. he swears if he were to scratch and scrape his skin until it bleeds he'll find him there. was it always that obvious? at some nights he dreams himself on top of mori's dead body; his neck sliced open with a lancet. but deep down he knows there won't be any difference. it's too late, mori could die, disappear even; he has already injected all his venom into dazai's veins.

and dazai could see himself taking the syringe from mori's hands, just to poison another soul, just to melt them completely and destroy what they had of a person once. he knew all of these.

but still, he never got used to hear them from others.

odasaku is muscular but has a belly because of beer. he is definitely not skinny-muscular. he is long. he is stronger than he looks. ango's back is hunched unless the times he reminds himself to stand upright. his ass is flat, from sitting too much. he looks skinny but it's more about his figure rather than his weight. dazai is tall for his age, he is slightly underweight. he may be skinny-muscular but the muscles appear only if he clenches his arms too tight. which he does often to show odasaku and ango. he is ridiculously elastic. he grows to be taller than both of them. when odasaku gets to be a writer he gains weight. dazai eats better in ada, so he gains some too.

odasaku remembers to shave when ango mentions it. he also mentions dazai's hair. dazai cuts it himself without paying attention. when he wears his ada coat, ango praises him by saying light colors fit him. dazai invites them to the cafe under agency. ango's glasses got thicker because his vision got worse. he sleeps more though. odasaku feels lighter when he looks at dazai. him and ango are planning to move in together. dazai insists on somewhere near the agency.

when they chose different paths, they thought they'll be seeing each other less but it's the opposite. they meet pretty often. they age together.