John McEnroe, 1984

Tennis players on the Titanic

Roger Federer: Everyone in the 1st class knows him and respects him. Always dressed impeccably, best manners by far, can hold conversation with anyone and not appear snobbish. When the disaster strikes, he’s offered a place in the lifeboat but it’s out of question he’d take it while they are still women and children on board.

Rafael Nadal: While everyone’s having brandy, stuffing themselves in the restaurant and boasting about their wealth, he’s in the gym. Joins everyone only after dinner, out of politeness (and to be with Roger). When the ship starts sinking, he’s out trying to help everybody. He’s last seen giving his warm coat to a lady.

Sascha Zverev: Half of the 1st class call him “son” despite him not being related to anybody. When the ship strikes the iceberg, he’s already asleep, so he appears on board half-dressed and really confused. An officer spots him and figures he’s tall and strong and they need men to row, so they put him in a lifeboat. Worst decision ever, because Sascha can’t row at all.

Jack Sock: The one merry passenger of the 3rd class who is really nice and polite and wouldn’t hurt a fly, but once the ship starts sinking, he will break as many doors and rules as he has to because he will not let the people die.

Andy Murray: Comes from a totally matriarchal family, so doesn’t get half of the gentlemen’s sexist jokes. Approves of the ship’s construction, but constantly complains about the quality of tea. When the disaster strikes, he blames himself for it, just because he’s British.

Nick Kyrgios: That one problematic passenger that constantly gets into fights with the crew over trespassing and destroying things. Survives, because it’s Nick, and then sues the hell out of the company.

Novak Djokovic: Everyone in the 1st class hates him because he constantly makes inappropriate jokes and impersonates fellow passengers. Tries to appear brave first, but finally bribes an officer to get a place in the lifeboat.

Jeremy Chardy: Doesn’t know how he got on the Titanic, probably won the tickets in poker or something. Doesn’t know how he got in the lifeboat, probably just wandered there when nobody was looking. Utterly confused all the time.

Diego Schwartzman: The one 2nd class passenger you don’t even notice, because he minds his own business. Survives, because in the dark and chaos he gets mistaken for a child.

Denis Shapovalov: The ray of sunshine, having the time of his life on the Titanic. Asks for seconds during dinners and everyone thinks it’s cute. Tells everyone there has to be a happy ending, because it’s his birthday (April 15th). Literally the last person on board to lose hope.

Dominic Thiem: Too nice and shy for the 1st class smoking room. Spends afternoons drinking tea with elderly ladies, who all want him to marry their granddaughters. When the ship starts sinking, he cries, because he can’t save everyone. Survives, but suffers from major survivor guilt.

Grigor Dimitrov: Only there to seduce the ladies, major gold digger, has the largest wardrobe. Is on the Titanic because everyone who means something is on the Titanic, but actually fights with being seasick.

David Goffin: Is so inconspicuous and polite he gets mistaken for a steward a couple times. A brilliant student who’s just graduated and is traveling to see the world and have a break (everything covered by his parents, of course). Helps old ladies and children get in the lifeboats.

Stefanos Tsitsipas: Pretends he’s very rich and heir to some estates, an exiled Greek prince or something. In fact he’s completely broke because the life he leads is not compatible with his bank account. The last money he spent… yes, for the tickets. Luckily, will get compensation after the sinking.

Marin Čilić: Had a premonition that the ship will sink, very pessimistic, doesn’t even leave his cabin and sleeps with the lifejacket on. Feels the urge to tell everyone “I told you this would happen!” while the ship is sinking.

  Selfie time

A Russian prankster glued a massive portrait of President Vladimir Putin to the inside of a residential elevator. He then placed a camera in the elevator to record people’s reactions.

tag yourself i’m sascha and andy

Tennis players in the Hunger Games

Novak Djokovic - Acts all funny before the games, turns quite psycho in the arena. Could kill anyone. Wants to form an alliance with Rafa and Roger, but gets rejected, which hurts his feelings and he targets them first. Weapon of choice: throwing knives - fast, quiet, and effective.

Roger Federer - His brains are the most dangerous thing about him. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the skills, he has the most skills in the arena. Everyone expected him to be in an alliance with Rafa, so they didn’t even ask - except Novak. His weakness: kind of expects others to play fair. Weapon of choice: bow and arrows, but a spear also goes - aim and accuracy are the key.

Rafael Nadal - He’s the muscles of the pair. Very hungry for survival, has the skills, but sometimes acts before he thinks. The traps of the arena are a bigger deal for him than the tributes. Weapon of choice: something that requires brute force, an axe probably.

Dominic Thiem - Too nice to kill anyone and anything, especially animals. Lives on berries and hopes everyone will kill each other and forget about him somehow. Refused alliance with Sascha because he thought he’d slow him down, regrets it ever since. Weapon of choice: pocket knife to cut berries and tree bark, what else would he need it for?

Alexander Zverev - The golden boy, Capitol loves him, he actually loves the Capitol (the food and all). Killing is no problem, not getting killed is trickier. Has two weak points: his clumsiness, and Dominic. Weapon of choice: sword - he’s not really inconspicuous, so one-on-one fights will inevitably happen, and sword looks cool, too.

Denis Shapovalov - Extremely fast. Lives by Rue’s motto “If they can’t catch me, they can’t kill me.” Looks sweet and innocent, but once he’s in the Games and he will bite if he has to. Weapon of choice: poison darts - small to carry, can be used from the distance, quiet enough not to attract attention to him.

Andrey Rublev - The silent killer in the arena. Lone wolf, fends for himself, alliance is out of question. Doesn’t look like he can do much, but is actually pretty lethal. Weapon of choice: knife - can be used for many things, not just killing.

Nick Kyrgios - Very likely to win the games, unless he does something stupid. Ruthless killer, no feelings at all, will form an alliance and then kill his ally in their sleep. Weapon of choice: anything that can be used as a weapon. He doesn’t care, really. Won’t say no to a machete, though.

Stefanos Tsitsipas - Plays the mysterious guy that never reveals his secrets, which works with the Capitol folk, but is quite useless in the arena. Hopes he will become the symbol of the revolution like Katniss. Nobody’s told him he has to win first, apparently. Weapon of choice: bow and arrows - he doesn’t want to come too close to his victims. Blood is gross, so…

David Goffin - Very quiet and inconspicuous, but actually very skillful. Prefers not to kill people directly, but relies on their stupidity. Has a very clear strategy. Weapon of choice: electricity and explosives - “let them kill themselves” is his motto.

Grigor Dimitrov - His charisma is his main strength here - he won’t get hungry because he has many sponsors to send him food, doesn’t have to fight for a weapon in the bloodbath, because he will obtain one otherwise. Wants to win for the fame. Weapon of choice: a fancy bow he got from his sponsors.

Jérémy Chardy - His strategy is to run and hide, and just pretend he doesn’t exist. Weapon of choice: net and rope - to make traps for animals. He’s not there to kill people, but he has to eat something.

John Isner - He’s too tall, so everyone can see him from afar, dammit, they should have made the trees higher in the arena. Nice guy, but will kill in self defense. Weapon of choice: slingshot - he likes serving things at his opponents at high speed, so…

Pierre-Hugues Herbert - Not made for this stuff. Too pure. Will probably die as soon as he gets off the platform.

Mood

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