People Allergic To Peanuts: Keep Peanuts As Far Away From Me As Possible Or I'll Die

Listen Captain Jack Harkness doesn’t forget a bitch and u know he heard Rose and Nine talking about Platform 1 and the end of Earth and u know the Face of Boe made his attendants take him not to see the world end but for Drama of it all he rolled in there in his tank like “sup bitches the Face of Boe is here to watch my boyfriend and girlfriend from five billion years ago fuck shit up bc I missed this adventure the first time round and you better believe I’m not missing it again” because Jack Harkness doesn’t forget bitch even in five billion years

anyway i was reading star wars fics and obvs i got inspired and i wrote a lil and i want to post the preview under the cut so, uh, here?

(force ghosts and rey skywalker abound!)

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ok as amazing as Twilight of Apprentice was how funny would it have been if Ahsoka was just beyond done with Anakin’s bullshit™ and just screamed “FUCK OFF SKYGUY” everytime she saw Vader

“The man you knew as Anakin Skywalker is de-”

“Cut the shit, Anakin, I know it’s you. You just flew in standing on top of your TIE fighter and there’s only one fucker in the galaxy who’s that extra”

inspired by x

The only reason I can't imagine the whole Ani/Obi/Satine/Padmé foursome is because that Anakin and Satine have to share Obi-Wan. Just... that's a disaster waiting to happen. Poor Padmé, having to listen to everyone complain. God, imagine date night? Do they have a schedule???

I AGREE. It might end up with everything In Perfect Balance where they all live happily ever after, but it also could easily just end up being a total disaster. 

While I’m at it, I’ll get up on my soapbox, because I really feel like as a fandom people give Padme way too much credit for “being the sane one”. She’s married to Anakin, you guys. ANYONE is going to look like the sane one by comparison. It’s why Obi-Wan seems Staid and Calm and Rule-Abiding despite the fact that he’s constantly jumping out of windows and chopping off people’s limbs. 

Padme is just as extra as the rest of them. She’s always tearing down hallways firing a gun while wearing a prom dress and a tiara, or marrying a dude she’s known for 45 minutes, 20 of which included him committing mass murder and then yell-crying about it. I love her, a lot, but let’s be real here, people: Padme is probably not going to crank down the drama here. So in this scenario, not only will Satine and Anakin be possibly trying to kill each other for Obi-Wan’s affections, I feel like Padme’s going to either A) put on something scandalous in an attempt to lure Anakin back over by her, because she is NOT gonna lose to Obi-Wan, or B) throw herself at Obi-Wan in an attempt to make Anakin jealous (of her? Him? Who cares; both works!)and/or snare Obi-Wan for herself.😄

(A spin off of this post. It is very highly recommended to read it first if you haven't already)

@alls-well-that-ends-weird

*cackles*

Bruce sat at his desk, his hands sternly folded in front of his face. Damian sat in the chair in front of him, staring defiantly.

“Damian… We need to talk about the kids. And the animals.”

Damian stuck his nose in the air arrogantly with the manner of a man who knew he could not lose. Normally an admirable feat against Bruce “Brucie” “Batman” Wayne, but this was Damian Wayne, formerly Al Ghul. What he wanted, he usually ended up getting—with or without permission.

“I don’t know what you're talking about, Father.”

Bruce stared at him, just a few degrees shy of his batglare. “Damian. In the past three months, you have acquired twenty-three toddlers, seventy two cats, fifty dogs, an uncountable number of fish, another cow, three deer, and a random assortment of other animals. Not only that, you adopted Colin, and gained partial guardianship over Jon.” Bruce started full on glaring. “I don't know how. I don't want to know—actually, I do, if only I can stop you from doing more. But that's not the point.” Bruce leaned forward, eyes narrowing. “No more. Send them back where they came from. They need to go. Now.”

Damian examined his fingernails delicately. “No.”

“Damian—”

Damian grinned evilly. Bruce tensed in anticipation as Damian opened his mouth and spoke in an overly loud and dramatic voice.

“BUT FATHER YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM LEAVE—”

Bruce's beautiful, original mahogany wood doors burst open, shattering against the walls.

“NO!”

It was the children. And the animals. God, so many animals. They were all screaming at him in their shrill little voices and all their noises like a demented chorus. Was this his punishment? He knew he wasn't the best father in the world, but surely he didn't deserve this?

“NO!”

“THAT'S OUR BABA!”

“WE WANNA STAY!”

“I WAN’ BABA!”

“Yeah Mr. Wayne,” a horrifyingly familiar voice said over the waves of small beings, quieting them to whimper and sobs, “Don't take us away from ‘Baba’.”

There, walking into his office with stupidly big devious grins on their faces—the exact same one as Damian’s, the little snots—were Colin and Jon, both clearly enjoying this entirely too much.

They walked up behind a smug Damian (who was drowning in cute animals and tiny orphan children—no! Stay strong Bruce!) and wrapped their arms around him, pouting.

“Gosh, Gramps,” Bruce felt a stab in the chest as Colin sniffed in mock distress, “I just got a big family, you can't take them from me now! Baba promised we'd all have a loving and comfortable life.”

“Yeah Grandpapa!” Jon pouted, his eyes tearing up in his deadliest puppy dog eyes. Bruce felt another stab in the chest. “I've got such a big family now, and I can't let my new siblings down now, you know? Baba promised we could all stay together!” All the children nodded along with him, eyes teary and noses sniffing with puppy eyes they clearly learned from Jon.

That little—

“Well Father?” Damian smirked. “You wouldn't make me a liar now, would you? Not to my precious family?”

Bruce had the sinking feeling that this would not be the last conversation about this. He also had the sneaking suspicion that he would win exactly none of them.

Bruce dropped his head in his hands and groaned.

God, what would he tell Clark?

It Was All Obi-Wan’s Fault

Padme: …maybe Obi-Wan could help us.  Anakin: [wincing] Nah, I can’t…can’t talk to Obi-Wan about this. Or anything. Ever.  Padme: Why not? He cares about you; have you tried asking him if he – Anakin: Look, I’m telling you, I can’t talk to Obi-Wan! I have tried! But every time I try, he’s all…him about it, and it never works.  Padme: [nodding knowingly] Why, because he’s all [pompously] “No Ahhhhnnakin, I’m a Jedi and we don’t talk about this stuff…” Anakin: What? No, no, it’s not like that at all! I just…can’t. It’s not possible.  Padme: Ani, I don’t understand.  Anakin: Well…

[smash cut to Anakin and Obi-Wan’s quarters] Anakin: [seriously] Obi-Wan, I need to talk to you about something.  Obi-Wan: [sitting down right next to him, making intense eye contact] Of course, Anakin, what’s the matter? Anakin: [flustered] …I gotta go. 

[smash cut to Anakin, sitting in a ship next to Obi-Wan]  Anakin: Master, I have something that I need to tell you.  Obi-Wan: [trying to fix something on the ship, leaning over Anakin and pressing up against him repeatedly] Certainly Anakin…just…give me one second…I need to just adjust this…oh blast, hang on, I’m getting grease all over my tunic, I’m just going to remove it. There. [settling back into his seat, shirtless and sweaty] All right. What did you want to talk to me about? Anakin: [dying] No…nothing. I…let’s just go. On. The mission. 

[smash cut to Anakin, nervously biting his nails at the kitchen table]  Anakin: [gathering up the nerve] …Master? I really need to talk to you about something! It’s important! Obi-Wan: [strutting in from the refresher, wearing nothing but a towel] [taking Anakin’s hand] You know you can talk to me about anything, Anakin. Whatever is the matter? Anakin: [squeaks] 

Padme: [nodding] …I see.  Anakin: It’s horrible! He’s the worst! 

Luke: This droid says he’s yours.

Obi-Wan, out of pure habit and instinct: I have never seen this droid before my life and I cannot be held responsible for anything it has done

Star Wars plot idea

This is from a friend who found the prompt, and we want a fic from it but are too lazy to write it. If you do take inspiration please send me the link.

Anakin getting drugged with an aphrodisiac on a mission but instead of making him want to fuck ALL THE THINGS he instead wants to cuddle EVERYONE and is high as all get out?? He cuddles Ahsoka and tells Rex that he’s his FAV CLONE1~EVA!When Obi-Wan has to get him off the ship to go to medical he wraps his arms around him and demands to be carried. (And Ahsoka is DYING of laughter because Obi-Wan is just…so resigned by this point.)

He sees Mace and goes super quiet and hides his face in Obi-Wan’s chest, like a bloody child, and when Obi-Wan explains what the hell is going on, Anakin apologizes for always fucking everything up and “maybe next time I’ll come back missing more limbs, that’ll make you happy, right?”

And Mace is horrified because he doesn’t hate Skywalker or want to see him MAIMED??? WHERE DID HE GET THAT IDEA FROM??? And Obi-Wan is like “HOLY SHIT ANAKIN”

And then Anakin sees Yoda and is all bubbly and cheery again, babbling about how he totally felt Dooku’s presence and he seemed healthy and more stable and even though they didn’t get him, he’s still alive and isn’t that great, Master Yoda?? I’m sure we’ll get him and bring him back so he stops making you so sad all the time by being a complete failure. 

And Obi-Wan is just like “OKAY, GOING TO MEDICAL NOW BEFORE THIS GETS ANY SADDER. REPORT LATER, BYE!”

And then Anakin’s just in the chambers of healing high as a kite and not letting Obi-Wan leave because he wants cuddles and Ahsoka has Important Padawan Learning to do that can’t be disturbed by him being needy. 

And during his high cuddling of Obi-Wan he ends up telling him all about his marriage to Padme and how much he loves her and wants her here because she gives awesome cuddles and he misses her so much. And maybe says some rather creepy shit about Palpatine that makes Obi-Wan’s “ALERT, ALERT, SOMEONE IS CREEPING ON YOUR PADAWAN” senses go off.

And that’s how the Speratists inadvertently saved the Galaxy.

…if Anakin accidentally gave Obi-Wan cause to think that Palpatine had been perving on his padawan since he was a CHILD holy FORCE there would be no power in the galaxy that could save the Sith Lord Sidious.

“No, it wasn’t like that, Master, really, he just patted my head and told me I’d do great things and to trust only in him because he cared for me and wanted what was best for me and told me that everyone else was a lying sack of poodoo and said I’d look good in these kinds of clothing and gave me a set and he said I’d look good in them and it’s like he can see inside me sometimes, master, he’s always saying the right thing -”

(Obi-Wan is freaking out BIG TIME)

…ditto if Obi-Wan confides in his suspicions to a horrified Padme. The two of them would combine forces to form an unstoppable murder duo.

But imagine what would happen if someone from the 501st overheard this. Palpatine would be dead before Padme and Obi-Wan make it out of the temple. 

(When asked later why he didn’t wait for them, Rex just shrugs and says “Plausible deniability, sir”)

You know what would even be funnier in the Scandalore verse? Obi Wan and Satine have been secretly married for years. They were waiting for Obi Wan to finish training and then there was Anakin and then the war and Anakin has an epic conniption because he really could gave used some how to be sekritly married tips

OH GOOD LORD, SOMEONE WRITE THIS. Secretly Married Obi-Wan is killing me. Like, Obi-Wan keeps meaning to say something, keeps meaning to resign from the order so that he can go BE WITH HIS WIFE but…he doesn’t want to set a bad example or anything and this KID is here now and…well, he’ll figure it out later. Attachments are forbidden, Anakin! Hang on, I have to go…to Mandalore…for reasons. I’ll be right back! Politicians are not to be trusted byeeeeee!

Satine is going to be so epically annoyed with him for dragging his feet on this. ARE YOU ASHAMED OF ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI?! WELL THEN MAYBE YOU’LL ENJOY SLEEPING ON THE COUCH. *throws a martini into the wall*

Can you even IMAGINE Anakin’s face when he learns this Important Information? Oh my God.