Peter With An S/o Who’s Too Nice

Intergenerational trauma / mental illness

The Sopranos (6x17) / Esquire Hereditary review / Moonlight / My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem / Pachinko (1x01) / I Love You, Honeybear (Father John Misty) / Russian Doll (2x04) / Doctor Sleep / Bojack Horseman (2x01)

Paris, Texas (1984) | dir. Wim Wenders

I just want to say that there are so many tragic things about Dan Torrance in Doctor Sleep. But the one that really stands out to me is that his "inner library" is The Overlook.

Rose the Hat has a beautiful and extravagant mansion; it's as old, gorgeous, and well maintained as she is. Abra has her room, the only place that she really possesses and has control over at her age; the ceiling filled with stars and the promise of expansion as she grows up.

And then there's Dan's library, his mind is shaped like The Overlook, every thought, memory, and experience is stored in a place that he fears, hates, and cannot forget. Specifically, in the room where his dad would work. Possibly a room he liked before 'the incident'. But now the typewriter is eternally waiting and no one is coming back to it.

The hotel traumatized him so completely that everything he knows, every experience he's had in his life from before, during, and after the events of The Shining are stored neatly away in its terrifying halls. Every good memory must be revisited inside that sprawling, predatory, beast of a place.

His version is tamed, sure, but even without blood flowing out of an elevator or the twins at the end of the hallway, every time he turned a corner, surely he'd remember that at one point they were there.

Dan's mind is not a palace, formed in reverence for the things he knows and the years he's lived. Nor is it his safe space, that he can customize and manipulate to his liking, filled with possibilities. His mind is decorated with trauma and terror. And it frames his thoughts and all of his future experiences.

His mind is his personal hell, or was until he tames it, sobers up, and turns it into a place that he can walk through every day. Telling himself that he has changed it and made it different. That as long as he maintains control, he's safe walking the halls.

What a tragic glimpse into his life.

Kali Reis as Evangeline Navarro in S4E02 of TRUE DETECTIVE

I figured out the message. One word. Know what it is? “Stay.” — Interstellar | 2014 dir. Christopher Nolan

I do think that Coryo fell in love with Lucy Gray, but i also fully believe that such love would never have been possible had he not be given the near-total control over her fate in the games, and by extension, her fate in the Capitol.

Listen. Here is a boy who has nothing but his last name, posing around pretending like he owned everything while scrambling for a scrap of something. Here is a boy who had to share everything he had ever owned, who was never fully in control of anything except for his words.  Here is a boy, who, due to the lie he's been controlling, can never let anyone in -- not even his pseudo-older sister and not even his most affectionate classmate -- for it poses the risk of being perceived, and potentially punished for his lack of ownership.

And then suddenly this boy -- who's so desperate to own something -- is granted the ownership of another person  a full-pass to control everything about her; her words, her image, her story. And sure, she wasn't his first pick, but the thought of having something gave him a sense of relief and dignity his lies could never give him, and that dignity, that slight restoration of confidence, gave way for that first crack on his chest after being guarded for so long.

And then the person he "owned" showed up, and she was the most interesting person of the pick. She gave the people a show and she made a song on top of it, turning his confidence to pride. I truly believe that had he been assigned to another person, he would not have showed up to the train station, simply due the fact that they were not interesting enough to warrant his  visit -- or his grandma'am's roses. Him showing up to the train wasn't just done in goodwill; it was also a stake of ownership -- it was him, acknowledging to himself that this was something worth owning, and like other things worth owning, it could be taken away from him if he lets his guard slips.

And that becomes the initial foundation to their interaction; the talking, the bringing up food... sure, Lucy Gray was interesting, but he was detached of her charm in those first meeting, seeing her in the lens of how others might measure her and her worth. his main focus was "taking care of her"; making sure his precious thing survived, making sure his ownership of her -- and thus his pride -- will not dissipate.

And then the tributes started plotting to kill him, only to be stopped by Lucy Gray. Sure, for her, he might seem as if he was doing something a kind -- even if useless -- meeting her in this run-down train station, and that perhaps was part of the reason why she defended him, and part of the reason why she stood by him in that Zoo cage. But for Coryo, his visit was calculated, his rose a chip of bargain, his zoo visit a byproduct of refusing to be caught slipping. For him, Lucy Gray stepping up for him was uncalled for, a surprising kindness.

He tried to rationalize it best as he could, but he was stumped. And I think this was when he started to really listen to Lucy Gray, to stop being detached from her. He was his father's son, and he believed in knowing the things he owned in order to properly maintain it. And it was this desire to know that melted his walls, that made him vulnerable, because to understand her fully he opened himself up to be understood, which had never happened before.

I think Coryo did love Lucy Gray, however tainted and terrible that love was. I think it was the first time of him making the effort to perceive someone and be reciprocated back -- fully, thoroughly, and wholeheartedly. It helped (or didn't help?) That Lucy Gray was a poet, that she fed him with pretty words; the only things that -- up until she showed up -- he'd ever truly owned for himself. For him, that connection -- added over the fact that he had "owned her", as everyone else kept saying -- must have felt like a drug. It must have felt intoxicating, to own something so lovely, something that adored him. It must have been a new, exhilarating feeling for Coryo, who never owned anything but worthless scraps and his pretty, pretty words. And yes, that was such a terrible way to put it, but love is many things; it can be terrible too.

I think Coryo loved Lucy Gray, and had they stayed in Capitol, he would have been able to continue to "love her". Billy Taupe was just some name, the Covey some story. What for Lucy Gray was history, was only pretty words for him. For all he chose to believe in, they could be the same pretty words he said; mostly lie, some exaggeration. In the Capitol, she is his, fully. And Coryo can love only what he owns.

But they didn't stay at Capitol, they moved to twelve. Suddenly, all her pretty words were honest and real, something he couldn't ignore, much less control. Suddenly, there was the Covey, and Billy Taupe, and Mayor Lipp, and even if her eyes were for him only he still had to share the rest of her -- her voice, her charm, her poise -- with other people. Twelve highlighted that he'd never truly owned her, we all know that. But here's another thing that twelve highlighted; it was him who chose to be the soldier in a rundown district, him who chose to follow her. If there was any ownership to be had here, it was her that owned him.

And Coryo? He doesn't share, yes, but worse than anything, he despises being owned.

This is where TBOSAS shone its brilliance; president Snow is the way he was not because he is an unfeeling sadist the was Volumnia Gaul is. He was the way he was because of love. Because of the vulnerability that comes with that love, and the refusal to surrender to it. President Snow would not be as ruthless and despicable had he been desensitized, and it was his feelings, his capability to love, that led him to employ some of the most gruesome tactics to win the games.

Here's the heartbreaking thing; once upon a time, Coryo loves Lucy Gray, and that love was true. Here's another heartbreaking thing; that love was built on poison, and its toxic vines ruined him so completely, decimated him so thoroughly, he was reborn anew evil; president Snow would not have happened without Lucy Gray, without Coryo's time in Twelve.

President Snow said, "it's the thing we love most that destroys us," and he said this as a warning to Katniss, yes, but he also said it to Coryo's shadow, standing behind her, who was looking at the back of the Girl on Fire, thinking the wavy black hair and the whispered songs were that of someone else's.

On shame and longing

father & child

succession // source // yusef komunyakaa // motion sickness - phoebe bridgers // anne sexton // w.s. merwin.

you have completely talked me into watching true detective bahaha..and i love it. do you have any other good rust fics👀

-🎀

this makes me so happy haha!! there seems to be a severe lack of rust fics on here :(

although a03 always saves the day!

shades of black and blue (this is an actual masterpiece btw) (rust x f!reader)

the creeping woods (rust x f!reader)

you'll kill me before the cigarettes do (rust x maggie)