Frustration / Longing / Love

You don’t understand, I don’t want any of it anymore. I don’t want happiness or love or success or anything. I need to stop living because that’s the only thing that can make my pain go away. So no, you telling me to wait for good things doesn’t work. Don’t you get it, no matter what happens, it’s always going to hurt.

I’M NO GOOD

Only Angels Have Wings, Nicole Dollanganger / Jennifer’s Body (2009) / The Last Days of Judas Iscariot, Stephen Adly Guirgis / Cellophane, FKA twigs / You Know I’m No Good, Amy Winehouse / Skeleton & Demon, Brian Luong / The Picture of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde / 1x09 “Horse Majeure”, Bojack Horseman / Helter Skelter (2012)

“i looked at everyone and wondered where they came from, and who they missed, and what they were sorry for.”

— jonathan safran foer, extremely loud & incredibly close

a mess

Trauma things #73: You became a writer because no one listened.

A message to you:

You’re pushing me away and I don’t know what to do. I care about you, I always have and I always will. Do you, do you care about me? You say you do, but then you ignore me. “I’m that way with everyone” you say, but there you are laughing, having a thirty minute conversation with another. When I try to talk to you, you barely respond; you brush me off. You’re someone I thought I’d know forever, but there you go slipping away from me. Although I’m fully capable, I don’t understand and I don’t think I ever will - because you’ll never tell me. Inseparable one minute, barely talking the next; oh, how the times change. I’d do anything to help you, and I’ve proven that. Once things got better for you, do you leave behind the ones who have helped you in the process? Is that what this is? You should surely be able to clear this up, but you won’t.

I’ve hurt my self to help you. I’ve made sacrifices to be there for you. Is that not enough? Is wanting what’s best for someone 24/7 not enough? I never asked for anything in return but honesty. This is didn’t even get.

So it’s been almost a month since you last texted me first to talk. And I realized that I shouldn’t have to question if you still want to be my friend or not. So our friendship is in your hands. Take care of it or don’t; I don’t care anymore. I love you and I’ll miss you and our close friendship but I’ve learned where I hold myself as a person. And I will never beg for someone’s attention, I will never force a friendship, and I will never keep myself in a toxic one-sided relationship. I’ve made the effort, now it’s your turn. I’ve shown you that I care, prove to me you do too. Nurture our friendship back to good health, if I really mean that much to you like you say.

I care too much about people. People take advantage of this. I get used; my feelings abused. Hopefully you won’t do the same.

There’s a chance you’ll see this but a very strong one you won’t (I assume you don’t pay attention to me as much as I do to you). If you do see this, you’ll know this is about you. I want you to see this, in fact I’ll be happy if you do.

Do what you want; it’s your life. But don’t you ever say I was the one who drifted away from you or that I was never there for you. I was, however you wernt. I still want to be friends, but a friendship can’t work if it’s only one way. At the end of the day, if you wanted to be my friend, you’d be acting like it.

- Your “Friend”

Every time you think “they could have hurt me worse”, remember that you shouldn’t have been hurt at all. You should have received support and help on everything you struggled with. You should never have faced pain from the hands of your loved ones. You should have been safe and happy and without a care in the world as a child. That’s what you compare your abuse to. 

A way my therapist has told me to approach childhood trauma is thinking about the child who went through the traumatising ordeal. You may resent yourself for not fighting back, not doing enough, or not running away, but you need to see the young child who was there, the one who needed protection, not persecution