It Honestly Hurts So Bad.

“little beast” richard siken / “samson” regina spektor / “fatima and manoubia” by alexandre roubtzoff / “break my heart” joy harjo / sappho trans. anne carson / “ginger and olive oil” by moju manuli

i don't think anyone really understands the levels of being passively suicidal like it doesn't matter where i am or what i'm doing i'd still rather be dead and it's so exhausting

Breakfast 🔪

This is for you Russo Brothers. 

This is for you Marvel and you Kevin Feige. 

 Not only for killing off one of your most beloved and iconic characters in the stupidest most cruelest way for a cheap shock death because you wrote a shitty villain. 

 But for your disgustingly insensitive comments at your actor who we love Tom Hiddleston who deserves far better than you gave him. 

 This is for even thinking after 2 days of #bringbacklokialive and fans waiting to hear you explain your comments on that dumb as fuck podcast we would want Jane fucking Foster to come back.

 I am so angry right now it’s not even funny.

 Fuck you russo brothers.

Please sign the petition

https://www.change.org/p/marvel-studios-loki-returning-in-avengers-4-alive

I just listened to an interview with the Russo brothers and have learned two things:

1. They’re terrible writers. 

They apparently can’t figure how to give a character growth aside from making them lose everything first, which you’ll notice is an overused trope most often utilized by “mary-sue” writers who can’t come up with anything creative and end up resorting to the classic “Look at their ridiculously tragic past!” in order to spur the character’s actions forward. The Russo brothers admitted to liking this about Cap (him having lost everything), and since they were now writing for Thor, thought that they’d do the exact same thing with him. So, they killed Loki to motivate Thor, because apparently they couldn’t think of anything better to do. 

2. They’re hypocrites. 

They also claimed to have killed off Loki because Tom Hiddleston was “aging” and apparently too old to continue playing Loki. So, what about Chris then? Apparently it’s okay to keep one aging “god”, but two is pushing the limit? The logic there makes zero sense whatsoever.

And honestly, that also points toward how very not-creative they are as writers, as well. The assumption that the only good ending is a tragic one, rather than a more emotionally satisfying happy one, is lazy writing at it’s finest.

—

Let’s be real, though. They just hate Loki. That’s it. One of them said “No resurrections this time” when Loki’s multiple deaths were brought up, and you could tell by the smug satisfaction and humor in his voice, that it fucking pleases them to have killed off this character.

Top 5 wishes for Infinity War:

1. Loki lives.

2. Loki doesn’t die.

3. Loki continues breathing/all bodily functions needed for survival.

4. Loki doesn’t, at any point in the film, find himself in a position where he is no longer living.

5. When the end of the film arrives, Loki Is in fact, not dead.

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I can never find the right words to tell people what I’m thinking. Telling them I’m tired doesn’t work, but I can’t seem to vocalize that I’m mentally exhausted and sick of existing. Telling them I’m sad doesn’t work either, but I can’t explain that I’m struggling not to kill myself and that the joy in everything in my life is gone and when I wake up to the sun in my eyes, I have to struggle to get myself out of bed because most of me didn’t even want to wake up at all. I can’t tell them I’m numb because what I’m feeling is so much more complex than numb and I don’t have the vocabulary to tell them that I feel like I’m drowning and it terrifies me that I feel nothing as it’s happening, and that my insides want to scream but I can’t even find it in me to shed a tear anymore, that every single aspect of my life feels like it’s shaded in grey because all the colors were sucked out but I can hardly even remember what colors are because I can no longer remember a time I didn’t feel like this. No, I don’t know how to say that. So I just whisper “I’m fine.”

He Just Can’t Stop Himself… Can He?

I hope you never reach a point where nothing makes you feel better. Talking about it doesn’t make you feel better, staying silent doesn’t make you feel better. Seeing the ones you love doesn’t make you feel better, isolating yourself doesn’t make you feel better. Eating doesn’t make you feel better, starving yourself to feel a more urgent pain to distract you from the real one doesn’t make you feel better.

I hope you never have to write about it, and find out, that even that, no longer makes you feel the slightest bit better.