I Think I’m Infatuated With My Best Friend And My Best Friend Isn’t My Partner And My Partner Isn’t

i’m numb to everything except anxiety and the pit in my stomach!! it feels bad!!! everything feels bad!!!

i will never be a home for myself because you are here

you will always be the angry man in my house

you’re not my father, but i’m definitely your daughter

when flatsound said, “i’ll go to sleep at a decent time when i find something worth waking up for” but then gigi perez said, “i go to sleep so i can see you cuz i hate to wait so long.”

i will always be be father’s daughter

there will always be an angry man in my house

i punched the storm door like you did that one time when i was a teenager

except i wasn’t thinking about hurting someone else

i keep hurting myself to bleed you out my body, but i must’ve i forget that we’re not blood

i don’t have your genes but those who know us both would never be able to tell

i wonder if i remind mom of her abusers

i have my father’s face and i have your temperament

fucking sick loser

my good intentions will not negate the collateral damage i’m causing

thinking about this quote from bojack:

"But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and not understanding that you're a horrible person does not make you less of a horrible person".

i’ll be okay when i can feel again. when i can look at myself in the mirror without feeling the discomfort of making eye contact with a stranger. when i stop feeling like i’m in someone else’s body. when i can remember my day like i lived it and not like i watched a bad movie i’m trying to recall.

i’ll be okay when every day stops feeling like time lost because i can’t remember it.

i can’t remember it, i can’t feel anything, nothing feels real and i’m forgetting life as it happens to me and i feel like i don’t belong here

i feel like i don’t belong here.

i guess that’s not a new feeling for me.

when will it be enough for me