intermundane

Latest Posts by intermundane

Dandelions

i’m dying

slowly, but always

and i miss a lot of things

all the time, really

and i worry of course

about everything, always

i’m sick

fed up, lovesick, homesick, brain-sick, twisted

if i were livestock, i’d have been taken to the yard by now i would think

if i were livestock, i’d feel less alone i would think

sometimes i wish i was ill in a way that i could purge, or in a way that would purge me

it should’ve just ended with my attempt

i should’ve stopped feeling like this, i should’ve left that hospital better

but i’m not

so please be done with me

it’s been years, i’m exhausted

just give up on me please because gods knows i’d fucking kill for that opportunity

wash your hands of it and move on

i am feeling hopeless

i haven’t been taking half my medications lately and i can’t tell if there’s a difference or not

the meds that are supposed to help aren’t helping and might not unless they increase the dose and i barely made copay assistance for the first month

this week i made some decisions that might be making my life worse

i feel like i’ve been sinking in a hole for years and im tired of try to close my way out of it my nails are cracked and fingers are bleeding and im tired

honestly what happens happens and if it turns for the worst, it’s still an option

will i ever be or do anything

i’m afraid of my death

not because i’m afraid of dying,

but because i’m afraid of what will be unearthed about me

i’m worried that my belongings, my journals, writings, drawings, will be known

i’ve worked so hard to curate this perception of myself, i’ve worked so hard to be someone that causes little friction, few waves, minimizes collateral

i don’t want my sins and dark thoughts to tarnish what i’ve built

i don’t want anyone hurting any further

i love people

i love my peace, but i love people

casually, in passing

no i’d never admit it

but working my stupid little retail job, all these brief interactions

i have my days, my minutes, but a lot of time it really is just people

it was over before it even started

i don’t know what i expected, it was never going to happen

i don’t know why i’m still hurt

i didn’t know i could feel anything still

i know i’m still loved, however small my place in their world may be, but it feels like that space is getting smaller and smaller

i should know better than to try to cling to things that i can’t hold

my chest hurts!!! why am i like this!!! can’t be normal about making mistakes!!! have to beat myself into the ground!!! have to be punished!!! have to be 3x meaner to myself to make up for it!! yep because that’s productive!!

i don’t feel anything, not really

my emotions don’t reach me

i’m so far away from myself

it feels like i’m being nudged

just sensations, mild discomfort

nothing gets past the barrier

it’s like throwing stones at a brick wall

i punched the storm door like you did that one time when i was a teenager

except i wasn’t thinking about hurting someone else

i keep hurting myself to bleed you out my body, but i must’ve i forget that we’re not blood

i don’t have your genes but those who know us both would never be able to tell

i wonder if i remind mom of her abusers

i have my father’s face and i have your temperament

i will never be a home for myself because you are here

you will always be the angry man in my house

you’re not my father, but i’m definitely your daughter

fucking sick loser

the kicker is the way they clocked me; they said i have a tendency to fall in love with my friends

and we talked about it for over an hour

how my needs weren’t being met

how i was seeking and getting emotional fulfillment from everyone but him

how separated i was feeling from my partner and how i wasn’t the only one who saw it

i’m so worried that i’ve already checked out without even knowing it

i wish i experience emotions like a human being

i don’t know if i’ve lost feelings or i just can’t feel anything at all

i need to talk it over more, but these are my stipulations for now while i’m thinking about it at 3:30 in the morning

1. i will wait until i figure out my dissociation, DP/DR stuff and feel like a person again. i don’t want to make any huge life changing decisions while i can barely remember what happened two hours ago.

2. i will make sure it’s a converation; i don’t want to blindsight him, that’s not fair. i want to try and keep open communication about where i’m at and where he is

3. if he doesn’t put the work in, doesn’t start going to therapy and taking care of himself by this time next year, i’ll reevaluate

4. i want to also check in with myself and that i can distinguish between whether or not my issues lie exclusively in his emotional unavailability or if my sexuality is coming into play (wow, haven’t had a crisis like this in a second)

i was there for five hours, brought dinner home, and when i got back, he’d moved furniture again and i immediately had an emotional response. then he asked if i’d look at what he’d been up to and i obliged, trying to hide that i was upset.

he had set up a small desk area for me in his space- something i’d planned to do myself, but hadn’t had the chance

that’s what he’d been working on

and i’d been spent my time away talking about our issues

i wasn’t saying anything untrue or inaccurate to how i felt, but i feel terrible for talking about him so negatively while he was at home making a space just for me

it doesn’t negate our problems, but it’s a reminder of how much he does love me contrasted with the way i talk about him and that really hurts

the timing is a little conveniently inconvenient. sometimes i wonder if her just knows

i don’t hate him, i don’t even dislike him. i love him with everything i have, but it’s so hard

his dismissal of my emotions, his neglect of his own, his complacency, unwillingness to grow is putting me in a position. the barrier there is between us is apparent to not just me

and i know he has his own side of the story and i would love to hear it

but he won’t talk to me

and that’s where we’re at. a standstill.

he said once he figures out his schedule, and gets his insurance figured out, he’ll try therapy

a year. i’m going to try and give it a year

when flatsound said, “i’ll go to sleep at a decent time when i find something worth waking up for” but then gigi perez said, “i go to sleep so i can see you cuz i hate to wait so long.”

i will always be be father’s daughter

there will always be an angry man in my house

when will it be enough for me

i think i flew too close to the sun this time

i want to be small again

my good intentions will not negate the collateral damage i’m causing

thinking about this quote from bojack:

"But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and not understanding that you're a horrible person does not make you less of a horrible person".

my conception was violent

it’s only right that my death is the same

i think i’m infatuated with my best friend and my best friend isn’t my partner and my partner isn’t my best friend

i’m so fucking messy

please make this easier and see me for the nothing that i am

i’m too scared to pull the trigger on someone who’s back is turned

someone else’s tongue on my neck on my mind and i’m so scared i’ve been done longer than i knew

i’m torn into two pieces: the half that’s grown into and around someone i love and the half that feels trapped by intertwining roots

nobody’s telling me what i should do and i’m stuck between run and settle

he’s not abusive, he’s not hurtful, he’s not evil or terrible or even toxic

but he also isn’t empathetic, he’s not interested, he’s not listening

i haven’t really given him too much of an opportunity though, have i? there’s a third option and that’s to try. try harder.

but a selfish part of me wants something else, something tangible and something i can taste. i look at him and my heart breaks already because he loves me. he loves me he loves me he loves me.

i love him i love him i love him

and it hurts even more

i think i’m looking for an out and that’s so wrong. i have no reason to be so dissatisfied in this relationship, no reason to be moving on subconsciously before the rest of me can even process what’s happening. i have no reason nor right to destroy our entire world

maybe it’s fixable, but even if it is, will that bridge the gap between us? we are so different it hurts

to be loved is to be known and i feel so invisible sometimes

i wonder if he ever feels the same

WHO FUCKING CARES

I CANT FIX IT

EVERYONE’S HURTING AND IM SO FUCKING ANGRY AND I DONT KNOW WHY

I’M FUCKING USELESS I’M SUCH A FUCKING WASTE I’M SO SICK IM SO SICK I’M SO SICK

i feel fucking sick

if i were left to my own devices, if i were alone, i would self destruct. but i’m not so i’m looking for other people to do shitty things with me so i can justify it. so i don’t feel so guilty or maybe just so i don’t feel so alone

i can’t drag the people i love into my shit, that’s not fair. they’re trying to get better. i’m such a sick fucking person for thinking about it

i’m numb to everything except anxiety and the pit in my stomach!! it feels bad!!! everything feels bad!!!

i’ll be okay when i can feel again. when i can look at myself in the mirror without feeling the discomfort of making eye contact with a stranger. when i stop feeling like i’m in someone else’s body. when i can remember my day like i lived it and not like i watched a bad movie i’m trying to recall.

i’ll be okay when every day stops feeling like time lost because i can’t remember it.

i can’t remember it, i can’t feel anything, nothing feels real and i’m forgetting life as it happens to me and i feel like i don’t belong here

i feel like i don’t belong here.

i guess that’s not a new feeling for me.

thinking a lot about the personal strengths test i took for my student success course last year. my top 5 were, in order, Love, Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Humor, Social Intelligence, and Kindness.

i am literally programmed for human connection, to love people and to hurt and to laugh and grieve and live.

i don’t think anything hits me harder than knowing that i am someone’s safe space, even if not their only one, even if not the one they go to for everything, even if they can just feel a little more at ease when i’m around.

i want to be a place where they can stop holding their their breath, where they can put the mask in their back pocket for a little bit. i want them to feel comfortable enough to exhale around me, whether that means sharing their own experiences to empathize with me or being a little strange or laughing obnoxiously or not filtering what they say when they tell a story or crying for no reason or even just sitting in silence for a little bit without trying to force small talk.

this isn’t my prettiest or most concise rambling i’ve done recently, more of just an unfinished train of thought

i don’t know how to wrap this up but i’ve legitimately just been thinking today. i don’t know that i quite articulated well how important this is to me, but it is. that’s all i can really say i guess