I’m Afraid Of My Death

i am feeling hopeless

i haven’t been taking half my medications lately and i can’t tell if there’s a difference or not

the meds that are supposed to help aren’t helping and might not unless they increase the dose and i barely made copay assistance for the first month

this week i made some decisions that might be making my life worse

i feel like i’ve been sinking in a hole for years and im tired of try to close my way out of it my nails are cracked and fingers are bleeding and im tired

honestly what happens happens and if it turns for the worst, it’s still an option

i’m numb to everything except anxiety and the pit in my stomach!! it feels bad!!! everything feels bad!!!

i think i’m infatuated with my best friend and my best friend isn’t my partner and my partner isn’t my best friend

i’m so fucking messy

it was over before it even started

i don’t know what i expected, it was never going to happen

i don’t know why i’m still hurt

i didn’t know i could feel anything still

i know i’m still loved, however small my place in their world may be, but it feels like that space is getting smaller and smaller

i should know better than to try to cling to things that i can’t hold

will i ever be or do anything

i was there for five hours, brought dinner home, and when i got back, he’d moved furniture again and i immediately had an emotional response. then he asked if i’d look at what he’d been up to and i obliged, trying to hide that i was upset.

he had set up a small desk area for me in his space- something i’d planned to do myself, but hadn’t had the chance

that’s what he’d been working on

and i’d been spent my time away talking about our issues

i wasn’t saying anything untrue or inaccurate to how i felt, but i feel terrible for talking about him so negatively while he was at home making a space just for me

it doesn’t negate our problems, but it’s a reminder of how much he does love me contrasted with the way i talk about him and that really hurts

the timing is a little conveniently inconvenient. sometimes i wonder if her just knows

i don’t hate him, i don’t even dislike him. i love him with everything i have, but it’s so hard

his dismissal of my emotions, his neglect of his own, his complacency, unwillingness to grow is putting me in a position. the barrier there is between us is apparent to not just me

and i know he has his own side of the story and i would love to hear it

but he won’t talk to me

and that’s where we’re at. a standstill.

he said once he figures out his schedule, and gets his insurance figured out, he’ll try therapy

a year. i’m going to try and give it a year

i will always be be father’s daughter

there will always be an angry man in my house

i will never be a home for myself because you are here

you will always be the angry man in my house

you’re not my father, but i’m definitely your daughter

my conception was violent

it’s only right that my death is the same

my good intentions will not negate the collateral damage i’m causing

thinking about this quote from bojack:

"But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and not understanding that you're a horrible person does not make you less of a horrible person".