WHO FUCKING CARES

i feel fucking sick

if i were left to my own devices, if i were alone, i would self destruct. but i’m not so i’m looking for other people to do shitty things with me so i can justify it. so i don’t feel so guilty or maybe just so i don’t feel so alone

i can’t drag the people i love into my shit, that’s not fair. they’re trying to get better. i’m such a sick fucking person for thinking about it

Dandelions

i want to be a sick person in peace

i don’t want to be seen or cared for, i want to self destruct quietly. rip myself apart

drink, bruise, bleed, burn, die

it’s what i deserve

i fucking earned it

my chest hurts!!! why am i like this!!! can’t be normal about making mistakes!!! have to beat myself into the ground!!! have to be punished!!! have to be 3x meaner to myself to make up for it!! yep because that’s productive!!

i’m dying

slowly, but always

and i miss a lot of things

all the time, really

and i worry of course

about everything, always

i’m sick

fed up, lovesick, homesick, brain-sick, twisted

if i were livestock, i’d have been taken to the yard by now i would think

if i were livestock, i’d feel less alone i would think

sometimes i wish i was ill in a way that i could purge, or in a way that would purge me

i’ll be okay when i can feel again. when i can look at myself in the mirror without feeling the discomfort of making eye contact with a stranger. when i stop feeling like i’m in someone else’s body. when i can remember my day like i lived it and not like i watched a bad movie i’m trying to recall.

i’ll be okay when every day stops feeling like time lost because i can’t remember it.

i can’t remember it, i can’t feel anything, nothing feels real and i’m forgetting life as it happens to me and i feel like i don’t belong here

i feel like i don’t belong here.

i guess that’s not a new feeling for me.

i think i flew too close to the sun this time

i want to be small again

i was there for five hours, brought dinner home, and when i got back, he’d moved furniture again and i immediately had an emotional response. then he asked if i’d look at what he’d been up to and i obliged, trying to hide that i was upset.

he had set up a small desk area for me in his space- something i’d planned to do myself, but hadn’t had the chance

that’s what he’d been working on

and i’d been spent my time away talking about our issues

i wasn’t saying anything untrue or inaccurate to how i felt, but i feel terrible for talking about him so negatively while he was at home making a space just for me

it doesn’t negate our problems, but it’s a reminder of how much he does love me contrasted with the way i talk about him and that really hurts

the timing is a little conveniently inconvenient. sometimes i wonder if her just knows

i don’t hate him, i don’t even dislike him. i love him with everything i have, but it’s so hard

his dismissal of my emotions, his neglect of his own, his complacency, unwillingness to grow is putting me in a position. the barrier there is between us is apparent to not just me

and i know he has his own side of the story and i would love to hear it

but he won’t talk to me

and that’s where we’re at. a standstill.

he said once he figures out his schedule, and gets his insurance figured out, he’ll try therapy

a year. i’m going to try and give it a year

my good intentions will not negate the collateral damage i’m causing

thinking about this quote from bojack:

"But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and not understanding that you're a horrible person does not make you less of a horrible person".

i will always be be father’s daughter

there will always be an angry man in my house