I’ll Be Okay When I Can Feel Again. When I Can Look At Myself In The Mirror Without Feeling The Discomfort

i feel fucking sick

if i were left to my own devices, if i were alone, i would self destruct. but i’m not so i’m looking for other people to do shitty things with me so i can justify it. so i don’t feel so guilty or maybe just so i don’t feel so alone

i can’t drag the people i love into my shit, that’s not fair. they’re trying to get better. i’m such a sick fucking person for thinking about it

when flatsound said, “i’ll go to sleep at a decent time when i find something worth waking up for” but then gigi perez said, “i go to sleep so i can see you cuz i hate to wait so long.”

i want to be a sick person in peace

i don’t want to be seen or cared for, i want to self destruct quietly. rip myself apart

drink, bruise, bleed, burn, die

it’s what i deserve

i fucking earned it

will i ever be or do anything

i love people

i love my peace, but i love people

casually, in passing

no i’d never admit it

but working my stupid little retail job, all these brief interactions

i have my days, my minutes, but a lot of time it really is just people

i think i’m infatuated with my best friend and my best friend isn’t my partner and my partner isn’t my best friend

i’m so fucking messy

i need to talk it over more, but these are my stipulations for now while i’m thinking about it at 3:30 in the morning

1. i will wait until i figure out my dissociation, DP/DR stuff and feel like a person again. i don’t want to make any huge life changing decisions while i can barely remember what happened two hours ago.

2. i will make sure it’s a converation; i don’t want to blindsight him, that’s not fair. i want to try and keep open communication about where i’m at and where he is

3. if he doesn’t put the work in, doesn’t start going to therapy and taking care of himself by this time next year, i’ll reevaluate

4. i want to also check in with myself and that i can distinguish between whether or not my issues lie exclusively in his emotional unavailability or if my sexuality is coming into play (wow, haven’t had a crisis like this in a second)

my chest hurts!!! why am i like this!!! can’t be normal about making mistakes!!! have to beat myself into the ground!!! have to be punished!!! have to be 3x meaner to myself to make up for it!! yep because that’s productive!!

i’m dying

slowly, but always

and i miss a lot of things

all the time, really

and i worry of course

about everything, always

i’m sick

fed up, lovesick, homesick, brain-sick, twisted

if i were livestock, i’d have been taken to the yard by now i would think

if i were livestock, i’d feel less alone i would think

sometimes i wish i was ill in a way that i could purge, or in a way that would purge me

i don’t feel anything, not really

my emotions don’t reach me

i’m so far away from myself

it feels like i’m being nudged

just sensations, mild discomfort

nothing gets past the barrier

it’s like throwing stones at a brick wall