I Want To Be A Sick Person In Peace

my good intentions will not negate the collateral damage i’m causing

thinking about this quote from bojack:

"But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and not understanding that you're a horrible person does not make you less of a horrible person".

i don’t feel anything, not really

my emotions don’t reach me

i’m so far away from myself

it feels like i’m being nudged

just sensations, mild discomfort

nothing gets past the barrier

it’s like throwing stones at a brick wall

when will it be enough for me

i feel fucking sick

if i were left to my own devices, if i were alone, i would self destruct. but i’m not so i’m looking for other people to do shitty things with me so i can justify it. so i don’t feel so guilty or maybe just so i don’t feel so alone

i can’t drag the people i love into my shit, that’s not fair. they’re trying to get better. i’m such a sick fucking person for thinking about it

please make this easier and see me for the nothing that i am

i’m too scared to pull the trigger on someone who’s back is turned

someone else’s tongue on my neck on my mind and i’m so scared i’ve been done longer than i knew

i’m torn into two pieces: the half that’s grown into and around someone i love and the half that feels trapped by intertwining roots

nobody’s telling me what i should do and i’m stuck between run and settle

he’s not abusive, he’s not hurtful, he’s not evil or terrible or even toxic

but he also isn’t empathetic, he’s not interested, he’s not listening

i haven’t really given him too much of an opportunity though, have i? there’s a third option and that’s to try. try harder.

but a selfish part of me wants something else, something tangible and something i can taste. i look at him and my heart breaks already because he loves me. he loves me he loves me he loves me.

i love him i love him i love him

and it hurts even more

i think i’m looking for an out and that’s so wrong. i have no reason to be so dissatisfied in this relationship, no reason to be moving on subconsciously before the rest of me can even process what’s happening. i have no reason nor right to destroy our entire world

maybe it’s fixable, but even if it is, will that bridge the gap between us? we are so different it hurts

to be loved is to be known and i feel so invisible sometimes

i wonder if he ever feels the same

it should’ve just ended with my attempt

i should’ve stopped feeling like this, i should’ve left that hospital better

but i’m not

so please be done with me

it’s been years, i’m exhausted

just give up on me please because gods knows i’d fucking kill for that opportunity

wash your hands of it and move on

i’m afraid of my death

not because i’m afraid of dying,

but because i’m afraid of what will be unearthed about me

i’m worried that my belongings, my journals, writings, drawings, will be known

i’ve worked so hard to curate this perception of myself, i’ve worked so hard to be someone that causes little friction, few waves, minimizes collateral

i don’t want my sins and dark thoughts to tarnish what i’ve built

i don’t want anyone hurting any further

i will never be a home for myself because you are here

you will always be the angry man in my house

you’re not my father, but i’m definitely your daughter

i punched the storm door like you did that one time when i was a teenager

except i wasn’t thinking about hurting someone else

i keep hurting myself to bleed you out my body, but i must’ve i forget that we’re not blood

i don’t have your genes but those who know us both would never be able to tell

i wonder if i remind mom of her abusers

i have my father’s face and i have your temperament