Please Make This Easier And See Me For The Nothing That I Am
please make this easier and see me for the nothing that i am
i’m too scared to pull the trigger on someone who’s back is turned
someone else’s tongue on my neck on my mind and i’m so scared i’ve been done longer than i knew
i’m torn into two pieces: the half that’s grown into and around someone i love and the half that feels trapped by intertwining roots
nobody’s telling me what i should do and i’m stuck between run and settle
he’s not abusive, he’s not hurtful, he’s not evil or terrible or even toxic
but he also isn’t empathetic, he’s not interested, he’s not listening
i haven’t really given him too much of an opportunity though, have i? there’s a third option and that’s to try. try harder.
but a selfish part of me wants something else, something tangible and something i can taste. i look at him and my heart breaks already because he loves me. he loves me he loves me he loves me.
i love him i love him i love him
and it hurts even more
i think i’m looking for an out and that’s so wrong. i have no reason to be so dissatisfied in this relationship, no reason to be moving on subconsciously before the rest of me can even process what’s happening. i have no reason nor right to destroy our entire world
maybe it’s fixable, but even if it is, will that bridge the gap between us? we are so different it hurts
to be loved is to be known and i feel so invisible sometimes
i wonder if he ever feels the same
More Posts from Intermundane and Others
i’m afraid of my death
not because i’m afraid of dying,
but because i’m afraid of what will be unearthed about me
i’m worried that my belongings, my journals, writings, drawings, will be known
i’ve worked so hard to curate this perception of myself, i’ve worked so hard to be someone that causes little friction, few waves, minimizes collateral
i don’t want my sins and dark thoughts to tarnish what i’ve built
i don’t want anyone hurting any further
i am feeling hopeless
i haven’t been taking half my medications lately and i can’t tell if there’s a difference or not
the meds that are supposed to help aren’t helping and might not unless they increase the dose and i barely made copay assistance for the first month
this week i made some decisions that might be making my life worse
i feel like i’ve been sinking in a hole for years and im tired of try to close my way out of it my nails are cracked and fingers are bleeding and im tired
honestly what happens happens and if it turns for the worst, it’s still an option
my conception was violent
it’s only right that my death is the same
when will it be enough for me
i think i’m infatuated with my best friend and my best friend isn’t my partner and my partner isn’t my best friend
i’m so fucking messy
i feel fucking sick
if i were left to my own devices, if i were alone, i would self destruct. but i’m not so i’m looking for other people to do shitty things with me so i can justify it. so i don’t feel so guilty or maybe just so i don’t feel so alone
i can’t drag the people i love into my shit, that’s not fair. they’re trying to get better. i’m such a sick fucking person for thinking about it
my good intentions will not negate the collateral damage i’m causing
thinking about this quote from bojack:
"But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you, and you are a horrible person, and not understanding that you're a horrible person does not make you less of a horrible person".
the kicker is the way they clocked me; they said i have a tendency to fall in love with my friends
and we talked about it for over an hour
how my needs weren’t being met
how i was seeking and getting emotional fulfillment from everyone but him
how separated i was feeling from my partner and how i wasn’t the only one who saw it
i’m so worried that i’ve already checked out without even knowing it
i wish i experience emotions like a human being
i don’t know if i’ve lost feelings or i just can’t feel anything at all
when flatsound said, “i’ll go to sleep at a decent time when i find something worth waking up for” but then gigi perez said, “i go to sleep so i can see you cuz i hate to wait so long.”
i punched the storm door like you did that one time when i was a teenager
except i wasn’t thinking about hurting someone else
i keep hurting myself to bleed you out my body, but i must’ve i forget that we’re not blood
i don’t have your genes but those who know us both would never be able to tell
i wonder if i remind mom of her abusers
i have my father’s face and i have your temperament
