Dandelions

i will never be a home for myself because you are here

you will always be the angry man in my house

you’re not my father, but i’m definitely your daughter

when flatsound said, “i’ll go to sleep at a decent time when i find something worth waking up for” but then gigi perez said, “i go to sleep so i can see you cuz i hate to wait so long.”

i’m numb to everything except anxiety and the pit in my stomach!! it feels bad!!! everything feels bad!!!

fucking sick loser

i think i’m infatuated with my best friend and my best friend isn’t my partner and my partner isn’t my best friend

i’m so fucking messy

i want to be a sick person in peace

i don’t want to be seen or cared for, i want to self destruct quietly. rip myself apart

drink, bruise, bleed, burn, die

it’s what i deserve

i fucking earned it

when will it be enough for me

i will always be be father’s daughter

there will always be an angry man in my house

i’m afraid of my death

not because i’m afraid of dying,

but because i’m afraid of what will be unearthed about me

i’m worried that my belongings, my journals, writings, drawings, will be known

i’ve worked so hard to curate this perception of myself, i’ve worked so hard to be someone that causes little friction, few waves, minimizes collateral

i don’t want my sins and dark thoughts to tarnish what i’ve built

i don’t want anyone hurting any further

i was there for five hours, brought dinner home, and when i got back, he’d moved furniture again and i immediately had an emotional response. then he asked if i’d look at what he’d been up to and i obliged, trying to hide that i was upset.

he had set up a small desk area for me in his space- something i’d planned to do myself, but hadn’t had the chance

that’s what he’d been working on

and i’d been spent my time away talking about our issues

i wasn’t saying anything untrue or inaccurate to how i felt, but i feel terrible for talking about him so negatively while he was at home making a space just for me

it doesn’t negate our problems, but it’s a reminder of how much he does love me contrasted with the way i talk about him and that really hurts

the timing is a little conveniently inconvenient. sometimes i wonder if her just knows

i don’t hate him, i don’t even dislike him. i love him with everything i have, but it’s so hard

his dismissal of my emotions, his neglect of his own, his complacency, unwillingness to grow is putting me in a position. the barrier there is between us is apparent to not just me

and i know he has his own side of the story and i would love to hear it

but he won’t talk to me

and that’s where we’re at. a standstill.

he said once he figures out his schedule, and gets his insurance figured out, he’ll try therapy

a year. i’m going to try and give it a year