It Was Not On Wheat...

It has been not even 2 hours and -jesus christ- I missed this site, there will never be another website like tumblr

Wow it’s been a year. I doubt that the transphobic moderation has gotten better but I missed Tumblr so here we are I guess

reblog for something t4t to happen to you this summer.

Happy TDOV!~ 🎉

I think I’m just a little too autistic for most people

Like I’m definitely a low support needs autistic person in the sense that I can navigate reality on my own, understand complicated things more or less fully: all to say, I’m not intellectually challenged (not say I’m some genius lol).

But I’m weird. When masking, I speak and write in a very formal, stilted, clear manner. I make every effort to be understood, or at least hopefully not misinterpreted. The only times that I come across as emotionally present are either when I’m very heavily masking and doing emotional regulation for someone else, or if I’m not masking at all because I’m comfortable around someone. They’re very different kinds of emotionally expressive though.

The problem is, I still do the stilted speech thing even when not masking if I’m trying to say something difficult or make sure I’m being coherent. And the thing is, I am fully cognizant that my mannerisms are off-putting. Sure people might tell me they don’t mind, but I’m not stupid - I can tell if they’re lying, even if it takes me some time to notice.

But I’m not just weird in my mannerisms. I have very niche, even cringe interests (I am held hostage by Sonic the Hedgehog and I won’t shut up about Deep Space Nine). I really suck at small talk, and love listening to people I care about talk about whatever they’re passionate about. I think that can breed a sense that I don’t contribute the same amount to conversation, even if cognitively I’m fully present. I’m quick to get attached to people I find comfortable around, especially because that’s so rare for me. And the quickness is probably what prospective friends find the most off-putting.

It feels like the only other person that will understand me is just someone who’s a carbon copy of myself. And I’ve yet to find her. Hell, I’m not even entirely confident we’d get along.

But I guess I have to hold out hope there’s at least one person that will get me. Because if there isn’t, what’s even the point? Why am I living in loneliness if not for the shred of hope that it’ll eventually end?

It just hurts to be abandoned again. And again. And again.

And it’s getting harder and harder to be strong/brave enough to even give people a shot.

Dealing With It

Don't take the final panels as some sweeping statement about how I think of or address my past self. I'll still call young me a guy sometimes, especially when it's funny. But when I think about how I dealt with my feelings, how long I kept everything I felt about my body and identity pushed down out of fear or denial, I try to be kind and think of the one doing that as a scared and confused girl who had so many things working against her, from inside and outside of herself.

I've tried to tackle this particular comic idea a few times now, from different angles and such. Even drew a couple that ended up being cut, rewritten, rearranged, or redrawn into this one, but I kept feeling like I didn't have it right. I think this is pretty close.

Twitter / Bluesky / Patreon / Instagram

Many such cases.

I mean, it's not that many insecurities right?

sun, sand, and a fluffy Miya kitty! she will meow at the waves… 🐱🌊🏖️

OK I figure I should lay out my unpopular opinions about this game.

The short version is I think the Dimps' version (PS2/Wii) is overall the better version (with Sonic Team making the PS3/Xbox version).

Lets tally up what I think each does better than the other, based on what I consider the Definitive Experience (TM) for each (emulate the Wii version and play the Recompiled version for each):

General gameplay feel (really high level, not nitty gritty): Dimps

Visuals: Sonic Team (though I played Recompiled with mods most recently, which makes whatever they did just a bit better)

Progression: Dimps, but the Improved Progression mod makes progression in the Sonic Team version much more similar, or at least tolerable

Level design: Dimps, and this one isn't even close

Final boss sublist:

Gaia Colossus vs Dark Gaia: Dimps

Super Sonic vs Perfect Dark Gaia: Sonic Team, and it's not even close

Now onto my big gripes with the Sonic Team version:

Level Design: I find myself getting very frustrated with the level design of Empire City Day and Night, with Holoska Night, and with Eggmanland Day/Night (and the fact that it's all one Frankensteined level). Apart from Empire City, which feels really rushed, the rest of the listed levels feel like there are sections of somewhat untested or unrefined level design which result in playing through them being less fun and more of a chore/slog. These grating sections of levels are almost always death loops.

Gameplay:

The progression for moveset unlocks for the Dimps version is more or less predetermined, which means that you can't accidentally get to the end without the fully intended moveset and strength, which is possible in the Sonic Team version because of the XP based RPG-lite style progression. In fact, I'd argue that the XP system feels really out of place in this game.

Platforming: honestly both versions struggle with this in almost the exact same ways.

Day stage gameplay: Sonic moves too fast for my reaction time. That's a personal problem. What isn't a personal problem is that drifting around corners almost never works correctly because the turn radius is way bigger than the sharpness of the turn you're supposed to go around. Future games end up doing both better, and it's understandable that they can't get it perfect in the first 3D Boost game.

QTEs: I hate these and am not good at them. Too many, but that's also kind of a personal problem, and it's more just emblematic of the era of gaming this game was made in. I haven't played the Dimps version recently enough to have a strong opinion on if they did QTEs less, but that version also had them for what it's worth.

Now, I don't want all this to make it look like I hate this game. I grew up with the PS2 version and loved it. If you'd asked me growing up I'd have listed this as my favorite Sonic game, not having even touched the Sonic Team version and not caring what was different.

I also really want to like this game. It clearly had so much effort put into it. There's scope! It's big! Not in the sense that they're trying to milk like 60 hours of playtime, but the locales are so diverse (the music! top notch!), and the gameplay all feels like they were having fun with the ideas they had. It feels so lovingly made, and it breaks my heart that Sega decided that since it was a flop upon initial release that they had to pretend it never happened and change course.

The recompiled version, which can run at any* framerate and resolution, and can be modded with HD textures and character models, is gorgeous!

*(at least reasonable ones, not sure if 8k 360fps is supported lol but I got to experience 1440p at an almost constant 144fps)

Anyway that's enough yapping about Sonic Unleashed. Nobody wants to hear my unpopular opinions about SA2 though lol.

In case anyone is curious, yes I have a Sonic game tier list, from S "Favorites" to F "Bad". Sonic Unleashed gets B-tier "Good" for the Dimps version, and C-tier "Just OK" for the Sonic Team version.

While it has not improved my opinion of the game, I have discovered the transfem Sonic mod for Sonic Unleashed Recompiled (thank you for featuring it on your website) and I adore her so much