“God In My Heart Or Heroin In My Veins”

“Is it better to out-monster the monster or to be quietly devoured?”

— Friedrich Nietzsche, Good and Evil

Hi, TSU.

Tennessee State University.  Hi.  So far, you are friendly but not exactly welcoming.  I’m alone but for now it’s okay because I’m not sad today.  I don’t live here so to me the campus is huge and every step I take I feel like the campus swallows me a bit more.  My guess is, by the end of the week I’ll be okay.  I’ll know where my classes are better and know how to get here correctly.  I’m having second thoughts about not living on campus.  I mean look at me, I’m stuck is this big education portal with nothing to do and nowhere to go for an hour; and after my next class, I’ll be stuck doing nothing for another hour.  I wonder if I can still live on campus.  Or maybe, rent an appartment on campus or close, like they do at MTSU.  I know it will really hurt my parents but, I need to do what I need to do for my education right? Sometimes dad and I talk about what’s important.  He says he wishes he spent less time trying to make money for us and more time spending time with us.  So am I going to regret living in a dorm, or on my own rather becauyse of the lost time with my family?  Or am I going to regret not doing it because it’s so much harder on my for school?  I wish I could just stay the night down here two nights a week; Monday night and Tuesday night.  Maybe I’ll meet a friend that will let me stay with them some.  Like perhaps before exams or something.  I feel like I could make friends, but, Idk if anyone here is feeling me or not. It’s freaking hot.  Idk what to do.  To be real with myself, honestly I’m 99.9% I’ll be staying at home.  I suppose the drive is not that bad.  Maybe I’m just jealous of the college life everyone else is experiencing.  Or maybe, I’m just moody because I have a headache.  I hope it’s that one.  I’m going to try to redo my room.  Maybe that will make me feel like this whole thing is a new experience.

Allow me to introduce ourselves

I’ll give a quick introduction, although I don’t particularly feel like it. My name is Maggie. I’m a newlywed with 3.5 years clean. I’m in recovery from drug addiction but I’ve spent most of my life being addicted to one thing or another. Most days, I still live on the “pink cloud” discusses in many Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I believe in God, but I won’t argue with you. I am a proud member of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m a college student by day and an underwater preformed by night. I’m a mermaid at the aquarium here in Nashville. We preform shows in tails to Disney songs underwater. I wait tables there too from time to time. I’ve had three tumblrs in my life time. The first one was found by my at the time girlfriend’s mother. I had to delete it due to the honesty it housed. The second one I had from then until 2016 when I was locked out of it because of the an email change. I’ve written both yahoo and tumblr regarding the issue to no avail. I plan on reblogging all my previous text entries to this tumblr so I can save them for memory. This is my third one. I believe my pain was in vain if I don’t use it to help others. Please, if you need/want anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I will now post this text and begin another one about the day I’ve had.

you're still scum

even if I did have a few facts confused.

“Forgive yourself for the decisions you have made, the ones you still call mistakes when you tuck them in at night.”

— Sarah Kay (via wordsnquotes)

“Every one says forgiveness is a lovely idea, until they have something to forgive”

— C.S. Lewis

death, dying, and unconscious sex;

I leaned over the boiling oil at work yesterday and suddenly I wanted to be submerged in it.

Sometimes people ask me why I get so unhappy.  I don’t know.  I just know that I do.  Even on some the days I take my medicine correctly.  Of course it’s not as bad as it normally would be, without the medicine but I still find myself wanting eternal sleep.  It’s a shame relieving yourself of this seemingly unpleasant life is a sin.  I would rather not go to hell.  So, for now, I’ll stay here.  It seems praying for death all these years hasn’t worked.  I don’t know why I still try.  The last time was less than a month ago.  Bravo fuck-up!

As a younger girl I used to think about how it seemed to me that a guy couldnt possibly have sex with an unconscious girl and live with himself.  Today I have been informed that they are just fine with it.  That bastard.  He told me he would never do that to me.  I swear it didn’t happen.  I would remember that.  Is he lying?  Or did I some how convince myself so well that night that it didn’t happen before sobering up that I have no memory of it?  It didn’t happen.  It couldn’t have. If so, that makes twice now.  Sixteen, and eighteen, who would’ve thought that would happen to me?  I am too strong for this shit.

BASTARD.

Please, what’s said on tumblr is never meant to be repeated.

*your

self-loathing to self-awareness

I am 24 years old, and there are a few things I wish someone had told me 10 years ago. To the girl I was at 14: You don’t realize it yet, but you are easily in the top five of prettiest girls in your class and I’ll tell you why. I know you hate it that your parents won’t let you wear make up but it’s good for you. All those girls that intimidate you with their eye liner and push up bras, remember that that’s all they have on you. Your beauty doesn’t wash off with expensive make up remover, your beauty just is. You don’t realize it yet, but looks don’t matter as much as you think they do. Yes, people will always be shallow and more likely to approach you because of you’re beauty but you are so much more than blue eyes and boobs. You are smart, and you are funny. You are kind, and you are genuine. You don’t realize it yet, but those boys aren’t coming through your window because they enjoy your company. Although you are all the things I’ve already said, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t selfish masochistic pricks in the world that only want one thing from you. You don’t realize it yet, but you don’t owe them that one thing, or anything for that matter. No means no. There are decent human beings in the world that would enjoy your company, you just have to be willing to let people get to know you. You also have to be willing to get to know them. Friendship is a two way street. You don’t realize it yet, but your parents are right. They tell you not to hang out with that friend because they see their intent before your growing mind can grasp it. You don’t realize it yet, but there’s nothing wrong with you. You don’t need to wait around for someone to love you enough to fix you, you need to love yourself enough to be patient. You don’t realize it yet, but high school really will mean nothing to you eventually. No one cares about who you sat by in homeroom and more importantly, you’ll stop caring about it too. You don’t realize it yet, but you’re not stupid. That boy you’re with will continue to tell you that you are for the next 5 years but it’s not true. As a matter of fact, you’ll come to realize that you’ve always been smarter than him. You don’t realize it yet, but cutting yourself doesn’t solve anything. It is a temporary fix to a permanent problem. Sex, drugs, and alcohol won’t solve anything either. Trust me on this one. You are worthy of love, especially from yourself. And finally, you don’t realize it yet, but you don’t have all the answers. You never will.

As I wrote this I’ve realize how much I’ve grown over the past 10 years. And that’s because I lived the life I did and learned from it. I’m glad I can’t go back in time to give my 14 year self a pep talk because otherwise I might not have accomplished all that I did. We do recover and I am grateful for all the tears I’ve cried because it was that, that led up to be finally being able to fall asleep content at night. The nightmares are few and far between. I am able to help other young women see their own worth today, which means that none of that pain was in vain. I love you but more important than that, I love myself.

changes

Everything is changing. I have a new job. I’m a server at a restaurant called The Aquarium. So far, I love it. I’m making double the amount of money I was making at El Chico and we’re in slow season so it’ll only get better. The tables all surround this 200,000 gallon tank full of sharks, eels, sting rays, and numerous other animals. It’s strange, though. When I started at El Chico my entire focus was on staying clean. Every day was a struggle. I remember telling myself constantly, “Just don’t use today, maybe tomorrow will be different.” Now, I’m a bit more emotionally secure so staying clean daily isn’t as much as a struggle. Therefore, starting a new job I have found new struggles. None of these strangers are going to be impressed by how long I’ve stayed clean. They don’t care that I pay my bills on time. They’re not surpised that I attend my siblings birthday parties. These are all normal things, that normal people do every day. So what do I have to offer then? I’m no genius, I’m no beauty queen, and I’m certainly no athlete. I know there is nothing wrong with me. I’m just finding it hard to start conversations and make friends. I’ve only been there two weeks, so I’m sure it’ll get better. I just worry, often. Next, I start school on Tuesday. I know I am capable of doing well, I just wonder how hard that is going to be exactly. No pills, no sleeping with professors. Just me, honestly trying my best to do this right. It’s just an odd concept that I’m having to adapt to. Honesty, for one. Being a responsible member of society, etc. I’ll be fine. I just need to pray more and think less. Now, my relationship is still going wonderful, I think. He is struggling right now. His work is stressing him out as well as the mother of his son. It’s just an odd feeling. While things are changing for me, I’m at the best I’ve been emotionally. I’m aware of my issues and taking steps to fix them. For once, I’m finding myself telling him that everything is going to be all right. For the first 18 months of our relationship it’s been the other way around. I’m willing to provide him with the same support he’s given me all this time but I’m just not sure if I’ll be any good at it. I love what we have and I’m willing to work at it, I just hope I don’t make it worse. I’m on my 6th step. I was fully aware of all my character defects a few months ago, but now that I’m living right they don’t seem so obvious anymore. So, I’m wondering what are they and how do I find them? It’s date night, so that’s all for now.