Maggieruthless-blog - Maggie Ruth

“If I have learned anything in this long life of mine, it is this: in love we find out who we want to be; in war we find out who we are.”

— Kristin Hannah, The Nightingale

“That was the thing about secrets—you had to carry them with you forever, no matter what the cost.”

— Kass Morgan, The 100

Cause and Effect

I’m writing from my bed, again. Writing is always beneficial but sometimes I’m too lazy for pencil and paper.

Today was full. We went to lunch, bought Layla new clothes, races go karts, saw a Beatles tribute concert, browsed Broadway and Printers Ally, and rode the bus. Justin and Layla both hurt my feelings today. Layla hardly counts though because she’s a child. Justin verbalized his opinion about my evening plans. Originally, I wanted the concert to be date night. I forgot to tell Justin that, so when we could find a baby sitter, he suggested she come with us. To make up for the loss of a date night, I suggested we make it a dress up date. I wanted to dress nice, go to a fancy dinner spot, then go to the concert. He was fine with that at first. He asked if Layla could wear her overalls. I said that’s not pretty fine dining attire. He was that opinion was stupid then became suddenly ill with me. When we got home, I said I didn’t want to go because he was grumpy. I started crying. He apologize. I took a nap. We ended up just going to the concert. It was all right. It just wasn’t the evening I was hoping for.

What I’m trying to figure out is why it escalated so quickly. Daddy always says “there’s nothing to figure out,” but I’d like to know the ingredients that called for such a rapid escalation. I have a few theories. First, i could be extra sensitive due to my period being just around the corner. Two, he was exhausted and frustrated from the small money tiff we got in this morning. Three, I heard the word “stupid” and took the conversation somewhere he never intended to go. Brandon’s usage of that word towards me scarred me, no doubt. It all began when he mocked my sleeping pattern this morning. He was thrown off by the fact that on my only day off of the week, I wanted to sleep in past 10. Yes, I sleep more than most, but my responsibilities are always taken care of, so why doesn’t it matter? Anyway, after he made such a big deal out of it, I got up. We rushed to shop without coffee or time for me to wake up. I believe that was a bad start. Less learned. My period is out of my control. My sponsor says with time I’ll adjust to it, and it won’t be such an issue. If the answer is three, that requires he most work. I feel I should let him know that he handled his frustrations wrong. I’m hoping tomorrow I’ll know what caused it.

What I’m sure of is that I can’t blame him for not knowing I wanted a date night. I didn’t tell him. It’s ludicrous to put expectations on someone without telling them.

He did offer to buy me things all day at the mall. He knows I’m broke. That was sweet. He also massages my shoulder tonight. I told him I pulled it and needed it to be rubbed. I’m not sure it helped though.

I took my nursing entrance exam and scored with the top 8% of the nation! I wanted to write more, but I’m getting tired.

This one time, I wore eye liner..

Absence makes my heart forget.

Out of sight, out of mind. 

I am getting bored though.  It’s time to spice things up a bit. 

He acts like I have him under some kind of spell.  Perhaps, it’s because I let him believe he has one over me.  But, he doesn’t have anything on me.  I not fourteen anymore.  I can stand my own ground.  The way he touches my face makes me think he wishes things were different.  It’s an on going chase.  I let him get close, then sprint ahead.  I don’t know why I’ve let it go on this long.  I’ll get around to ending it at some point I’m sure.

I want to move out.  I don’t like lying to my parents, but I want to do what I want, ya dig?  Yeah. 

He’s extremely hard to read.  For a day or so I was thinking he could be gay.  But oh no, he is most definitely not.

Well, I smell like fried rice.

one rut or another

If there is one thing I know how to do without a doubt, it’s fuck up my life. And that my friends is not a skill that can be turned into an asset. I won’t give up. They say to use is to die and I’m not sure about all that but I know using wasn’t solving any of my problems at least not long term anyway. Nothing will ever come close to the warmth in your chest when you slide that needle out of your neck. It may have been a while since I’ve pulled a needle out of my neck but that doesn’t mean that everything about it is healed. I’m at an NA conference with my new halfway house. I’ve ran into two people I used to get high with. One looks really good, the other looks like he/she has been through hell so I’m happy that when shit hits the fan this where he/she ended up. I’m alone and I’m empty, but I’m clean today. I can be grateful for that if nothing else. My selfish ass can’t help but think about how I’ll ever live without my emotional numbing medication. It hides even the worst of tragedies from me if only for a moment, it seems worth it. However, I’m destroying myself and those around me. My health was/is declining, my family has to be more important than that desire. This new halfway house is in Madison which is closer to Jess and my family. It’s called RCI. Recovery Community Inc. They made me quit my job. They said I don’t need to be in the serving industry for at least 3 months. I make too much money to fast apparently and there just happens to be dope there. Often times. It’s everywhere just more accessible in restaurants sometimes. So, I don’t have a job which makes me feel all the more worthless. My mind never stops bouncing in and out of using and not picking up. What a miserable place to be, mentally. There are some people that broke me in high school and even since then. Some that I’ll never forgive and I still wouldn’t wish this on them, on my worst enemies. This life means an uncertain death. When you’re using you know your breaths are numbered due to the dope slowly suffocating you. In sobriety they seem to be just as numbered only now it’s my own mind that is suffocating me. Living seems too hard at times. But I am not a coward. I’m a junkie, I’m a slut, I’m a liar, I’m a thief, I am scared, but I am not a coward. Things with my boyfriend went from beautiful to heart breaking so quickly I almost forgot why. I love him and I know he loves me so we are working past it whether or not this is his last chance, I won’t know until that time comes but things have gotten better almost just as quickly as they had gotten worse. And I am grateful for that, as well. He’s my support. He’s my heart. I’m not willing to let that go today. That’s all I want to say on that subject. It’s not even one o’clock yet and I’ve ran out of things to do to look busy. Pretty soon I’ll have losers hitting on me and kiss asses dragging me into activities. You know your appearance has taken a nose dive by the guys that his on you. I’m not sure If that comes across the way I want it to but, what the hell. Who do I really have to impress anymore? Sobriety has taken almost just as much as addiction did. In sobriety my parents took my car, my house director took my job, I don’t have a home, and I barely have a boyfriend, I suppose the friends I had out there weren’t real friends but they were there and now there is no one there, ever. If you’re trying to get clean, don’t take any of this to heart. I’m so grateful to not be waiting for the dope man in 30 degree weather. I’m so glad to have clean clothes to wear. I’m so happy to wake up without needing a shot to get out of bed. And I am aware that everything is going to be okay. It’s just making it to that point.

alright, hey

Since my brother and his girlfriend have been using my computer, the internet has gotten significantly slower.  That is frustrating, but what can you do.  I’ll say something to them, and have dad look at it but apparently, they “need” it.  Though I do remember a time or two coming into their room while they were watching a movie on it.

I haven’t been able to write lately.  My life seems to be busy with work, school, church, and “friends”. I suppose I could squeeze some writing time in but my room is so uncomfortable to do hardly anything in.  I’m in the process of redoing it though so perhaps that should help.

Apparently, the word “suppose” is sexy.  In what sentences I wonder?  I’m not all that sure.  But that’s what he says.  He says I have so many odd tendencies.  He says even silent I am hyper.  He sees the things I struggle with through observation.  I’m not all that sure I’ve ever been friends with someone who cared enough to notice these things about me.  He hasn’t heard anything about me so his opinion he forms of me will be completely his.  Not like where I live.  There everyone has an idea in their head about who I am before I meet them.  Which is not good because who I am is so much different then what I do.  What I do alone makes me sound like I am a completely different person.  What I do makes me sound selfish, mean, ruthless, wreckless, slutty, and lord knows what else.  But who I am deep down is different to some extent.  I care.  I hurt.  I need.  I want.  But when it comes down to it, ‘you can sin or spend the whole night alone’.  What ends up happening is just the price I have to pay for company.  It’s pathetic really but for now that’s what I do.  I mean they won’t let me cut, so it’s back to boys.  Theres also a huge difference between who I am, who I need to be, and who I pretend to be.  During the day, usually, I am persistantly who I need to be.  I need to be strong, and take care of everyone. Who I am, is a simple, sad innocent little girl who just wants to be happy.  And who I pretend to be is coldhearted, wreckless, and carelss.  That makes three differnt me’s.  He says that’s too exhausting.  He says the way to fix it is to start over fresh.  Get everyone who is negatively effecting me out of my life.  That’s not very possible right now.  I probably should have moved to a further college to get out.  I don’t want to leave my parents because I don’t know how long I’ll have them.  And all the adults tell me the smartest thing to do is to live at home as long as possible.  Sometimes, even if what they’re saying is true, it’s incredibly hard to listen to people be so mean to eachother.  The night I decide I’m going to stay in bed happens to be the night brother and his girlfriend fight in the hall by my room.  He said she was a bitch and he wanted one of her xanax.  She said he’s a junkie and she hates him.  He said "yeahh, why don’t you go buy some more pills from your mom?  And she said, “why don’t you go snort another pill."  Then they went to seperate ends of the house.  Minutes later, I heard him crush it and snort it in the kitchen.  I try not to listen to them but sometime I feel like I have to just incase something bad happens.  Lauren got him a pistol.  That scares mom, but he threatened to tell dad mine and her secret if she told dad about the gun.  She gets so upset over that.  Before work she was texting me over and over telling me about how I never should have told him, and how she’s so upset, how it makes her sick, I told her I would handle it.  And I will.  I only told him because we were having a brother sister moment and I was trying to get him to consider stopping the way he’s living his life.  Obviously it did no good.  Just another way I’ve messed things up in my life as well as others.  I can fail before I even try. 

What do you want from me?

Cracker Barrel is nice.  I like jobs that keep you busy, and working with people who aren’t sixteen.  I do better in a structured environment. 

I think my parents did a fine job raising me.  Some say, they were too protective and some say I didn’t get in trouble enough.  Oh, whatever.  Live and learn. 

puppet

My day has been rather monotonous.  My mother informed me that her and my father have decided that I don’t get my car until I have 90 days clean. It sounds like bullshit to me because there are so many reasons as to why having my car in the near future would help my recovery. I could go to my own meetings, get a better job, and have the immediate opportunity to leave a situation if I feel uncomfortable. I hate the way they’re going about this shit. They make me feel like I have no control like a fucking puppet. Instead of letting me get clean because I want to they are doing everything in their power to squeeze me into making the decision they think is best. Like, for example, saying if I don’t go to this certain halfway house they won’t help with rent anymore, or saying I can’t have my car until I have 90 days so that ultimately I have to stay clean if I ever want to move forward in life. Now I know that’s true and I’d stay clean regardless but I want to be in control of that. I want to make the decision for myself and not have them pulling strings until I do it the way they think I should. Now, I know they’re just doing what they think is best and only because they love me. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do to change the way they’re running my life. That’s why it bothers me, too. One of the perks to getting clean is having  control of your life but I don’t get that. It makes me feel so hopeless without the slightest opportunity to think for myself because it doesn’t matter what they think my parents are doing their very best to make sure I only act of their thoughts. I’ve realized that even though I keep gaining sober mail friends, it’s almost always going to end the same way. They start listening to your bullshit and hear you cry but in a few weeks time after they see that they’ve gained your friendship if that’s even what they’re calling it, they’re no longer so concerned with what’s on your mind. I really enjoy talking to Wesley but he’s become rather apathetic to my little issues. It could be because most of the time I call crying it’s over something I’ve already cried to him about before.  I can say that it doesn’t matter how many times a friend calls me upset about the same thing I am still there with the same love and patience as I was for the first phone call.  However, I can’t expect everyone to feel the same way about how you should treat your friends as I do. And it’s not like he’s just ugh fuck I’ve heard this before he just doesn’t seem to be as interested in making sure I feel better once the conversation is over. My boyfriend (or lack there of) and I had a bit of a better day. I am really hard on him and I always realize that the next day you know that I had acted a fool so I apologize to him. The I wonder why he doesn’t like talking on the phone as much as he used to.  I also have to take into account that this is just as hard if not harder for him as it is to me. I’m locked up and can’t see him but he’s out in the world able to do whatever he wants except see me which is what we both want most. It’s easier for me because I know I can’t see him or anyone unless I sneak around but he doesn’t understand that so he gets in his head thinking I just don’t want to try to see him. We also keep missing each other. On the days I can make something work so we can see each other, he can’t. And vice versa, you know because his mother still hates me.  And now I find out I won’t have a vehicle for three months which means it will be hard on us for another 3 months rather than one month because that’s what my parents had told me originally I’m sure the thought crosses his mind just like it does mine, are we going to be able to make it through this? But I just remind myself that if it’s meant to be we can make it through anything which I believe we can. I just need to be patient with him. It’s like we’re in a long distance relationship.  I’ve just to relax and remember that if I make it through this we will have such a beautiful life that I’ll look back and laugh at these unfortunate events. I love him so much and I can honestly say I’ve never felt this way about any other man and I do want to spend the rest of my life with him. We’ve been together for 3 years today. I’m going back to Phases. I called and told her I’d come back if I could keep my phone rather than having it taken again for the first 30 days and she agreed that I can have it until at least 730 so I can handle that for 30 days, I think. And I pray he can too. I know he loves me I just hope it’s enough to carry us through these hard times because it will will be worth it. This post is a mess and scrambled and djeiwbdofoew. Okay, bye.

“If you are silent about your pain, they’ll kill you and say you enjoyed it.”

— Zora Neale Hurston (via clash-official)

“There is always something left to love.”

— Lorraine Hansberry, A Raisin in the Sun