I Had Such A Marvelous Weekend. My Best Friend Came To Visit, From Memphis, For FOUR DAYS. We Explored,

stay, good girl.

I hate her so much.  Yet, she’s my “best friend”.  Best friends do not do what she did to me.  Best friends don’t treat eachother like I treat her.  But then again, nothing in my life ever goes as planned.

School tomorrow, then work.  I like to keep busy.  Idle time is the devil’s candyshop.  Or something like that.

Brandon, my boyfriend, has been acting different.  Well, come to think of it, maybe I’m the only one acting different.  Having people constantly remind me that him and I don’t go together makes it hard to remain stable in the relationship.  They say he’s controlling and doesn’t respect who I am.  What do they know, right?

I cut myself shaving earlier.  It felt great.

Let’s hope I can stay in my bed tonight.

rinse, repeat

Reading over last nights entry I am reminded of how familiar some if it sounds. I’ve always been known to write about a guy in my life. I’ve always been known to have a guy in my life. How ignorant I must sound to anyone who has paid any attention. Either way my feelings haven’t changed for the man currently in my life. He has taken the time to nurse me back to health, if you will. Telling me to lift my head up when I walk, that it’s okay to look people in the eyes, and reminding me that I do have opinions and it’s okay if they don’t run parallel to his or anyone else’s. He knows more about me than anyone, thus far. He tells me it wasn’t my fault, that no meant no and I don’t need to ask forgiveness for something that wasn’t my fault. He tells me when I’m wrong and when I’m right. He is my advocate and I plan to be his if I’m ever positioned to be. This is all too mushy, I’m just saying I know I sound naive, but I’m happy with him. See, I told you everything would be better in the morning.

Allow me to introduce ourselves

I’ll give a quick introduction, although I don’t particularly feel like it. My name is Maggie. I’m a newlywed with 3.5 years clean. I’m in recovery from drug addiction but I’ve spent most of my life being addicted to one thing or another. Most days, I still live on the “pink cloud” discusses in many Narcotics Anonymous meetings. I believe in God, but I won’t argue with you. I am a proud member of Narcotics Anonymous. I’m a college student by day and an underwater preformed by night. I’m a mermaid at the aquarium here in Nashville. We preform shows in tails to Disney songs underwater. I wait tables there too from time to time. I’ve had three tumblrs in my life time. The first one was found by my at the time girlfriend’s mother. I had to delete it due to the honesty it housed. The second one I had from then until 2016 when I was locked out of it because of the an email change. I’ve written both yahoo and tumblr regarding the issue to no avail. I plan on reblogging all my previous text entries to this tumblr so I can save them for memory. This is my third one. I believe my pain was in vain if I don’t use it to help others. Please, if you need/want anything, don’t hesitate to contact me. I will now post this text and begin another one about the day I’ve had.

I decided I’m going to try to start making more gratitude lists. I can’t decide how I’m going to do it but today started with ten things. The things I listed are things thast I am grateful everyday, and always will be as long as those things remain in my life. My hope is to perhaps name ten things periodically and never say the same thing consecutively. For example, on the first one I just posted, I mentioned my boyfriend. On my next list, I will not say my boyfriend. That way, I’m not taking the easy way out by restating the same things towards each attempt of remaining grateful. We’ll see how long it lasts, if it lasts at all. I spoke at Cumberland Heights (a rehab in the Nashville area) Wednesday. I didn’t plan on speaking. The plan was to tag along to learn about H and I (hospitals and instituations). The women originally chosen to speak couldn’t make it so I was asked to take her place. I was so nervous. I was afraid I would bring the wrong message. For all I know, that meeting could have been the first time some of them had ever even heard of NA. I wanted people to be attracted to the program. It, among other things, has saved my life, and contionues to do so on a daily basis. I was also nervous because of the public speaking part of it, of course. Standing on a stage in front of upwards of 60 people speaking is uncomfortable. I spoke entirely too fast, and not long enough. There was one girl in the crowd particularly that I hoped to reach. She ended up asking for my nunmber, so hopefully I said something that touched her in someway. Even if I only helped one person, that’s still enough. My boyfriend and I had an interesting conversation earlier. We talked about what we would do if one of us started using. It is suggested, of course, that you don’t date another addict when they are using. The point we made is, if we love one another how can you just turn your back on them? Fortunately for us, we don’t have to figure that out today. He is struggling in his recovery. It frustrates me that he doesn’t follow suggestions but I am learning to let him work his program while I work mine, seperately. It’s much easier said than done. He knows what to do and won’t do it. With that being said, I want to lose weight and haven’t done anything about it. So, I’ll just pray about it. My parents, boyfriend, and I went out to dinner tonight. IT was in honor of my late birthday and my parents’ anniversary. I was able to pay for their dinner tonight. As reluctant as they were to let me do it, I am so grateful to have the ability to do that today. That’s all I have to say for now.

hey, hey little razor blade.

Meet me behind the curtain at six.  I’ll be anxiously awaiting your arrival.

Why me?

nameless

I’ve still been hanging out on the wild side.  But I really am about to get a hold of things.  I’ve decided I needed to take my life step by step.  I realize that what I am doing isn’t exactly right but I’m figuring things out for myself.  In my opinion I haven’t had the opportunity to do that.  My dad has been blaming himself for the way I’ve been acting.  That hurts.  I am a human being, and “adult”.  I am now responsibile for myself.  My parents have been amazing to me.  And I can only pray to be like them when I grow up.  I need them to understand that.  Perhaps there are somethings some people just can’t understand.  I feel like I do well in seeing their side of things and understanding why they feel that way, but I still agree to disagree. 

So far the plan is to start saving mad money and after my birthday.  For a while I will stay in the little appartment in granma’s house.  I’ll pay rent too and I’m going to start paying for my phone.  One thing I have to accomplish between now and then I’ve got figure out a way for my parents to let me use my car still.  If they don’t I won’t be able to move out.  They’re starting to ease up on the idea of it, which is good.  As far as the rules until then, I’m going to have to keep spending time with them to slowly make them understand my side.  My dad did admit last night that he completely realizes how wrong he is in the way he’s been acting.  Saying he was going to beat my best friends ass because he happened to be around when I got caught messed up.  He was there hanging out with my brother and when my dad came down stairs he was literally pulling anthony out of the bed telling him that they needed to go.  What’s strange is two days after the incident my dad said that Rowdy was being somewhat of a good guy trying to leave.  Then by the end of the week he freaked out.  He says I am not allowed to hang out with him, he’s not allowed to be in my car, and he doesn’t want me speaking to him.  Seriously?  He knows nothing about him.  All he knows is he has some fun on occasion.  He said everything else is based on intuition.  I understand that but he still deserves a chance.  I am determined to get him that chance.  Dad knows he doesn’t have a car or a job.  Well, his car broke down, therefore he lost his job. Don’t get me wrong, I know his reputation is not the best but now that I’m on the inside I understand more.  That doesn’t make it right but I just get it.  I would rather have “bad” friends that treat me like a real friend than “good” people who only pretend to be my friend.  Amen.

Last week I had a bit of a break down on my way home from school.  It’s really changed me.  I suddenly realized getting used really was getting to me.  Somewhat subconsciencely I suppose.  I cried more than I’d like to admit then came to the realization that if what I’ve been doing isn’t working out like I want it, try something new.  Of course.  I am happy to say I have successfully said no three times to those risky little invites.  And I have just not responded twice.  That’s good I think.

Lately.  He started liking her and that got him to back off me a bit. It’s not like I hated him I just didn’t want to date him.  And as for him, I’ve heard he said he liked me, ha.  He just acts so idk, half and half.  I have noticed changes but not enough for me to believe in him.  Friends for now.

Wow, I didn’t mention Brandon once in all that.

“I’m not the person you left behind anymore. There’s no one here to miss.”

— Iain Thomas, I Wrote This For You

peripheral vision

Being that I am in fact a junkie, and perhaps I always will be, I will think about using on daily basis or at least for the first few months, I think.  You know, you can take the needle out of the vein but you can’t stop the vein from flowing to/from my heart.  It’s still rather frightening that I will always be one mistake short of ruining everything I’ve worked for, crushing my parents once again, and counting the breaths I take because deep down I know they’re numbered again. I want more than anything else to rid my mind/body of the suffocating desire to use drugs.  I can’t sincerely say that I will never use or drink again. I can say for the next 24 hours I will not pick up, though even if I have to shorten that oath to an hour. I’m sick of lying and I’m sick of trying and I’m sick of dying. I know that’s not the life I want so why the fuck do I spend the better half of my day mourning the loss of my dearest heroine?  That’s where the disease aspect of my addiction comes in. I am better than the life I was living but I still can’t help but wonder if I am capable of living any other way. That is insane. I was raised better than the obsession I’ve been cursed with. So, it must be a disease because that’s not who I am.  The mental obsession makes you feel sick to your stomach because it’s not a normal human emotion. I got to spend two days with my boyfriend while I was home. I really enjoyed myself and so did he. It’s like it recharged our love for each other. We knew we were in love and that hadn’t changed, we were just having a hard time believing our love was capable of enduring these hard times. But we know now that we will be stronger for it.  The only thing that could stop us is if one of us got in a bad binge again that we couldn’t recover from. Time heals all wounds but you have to be willing to give the wound time to heal and not continuing scratching at it.  I am really happy with him. I’ve only been back at Phases for 3 days and it’s already getting hard again wondering what he’s doing and who he’s doing it with but I do trust him and I’ve got to let go of the jealousy of anyone else getting to spend time with him. He’s not going to cheat on me period, bitches be damned.  We made love all night and it was so beautiful. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt with anyone else not to mention that he is the best sex I’ve ever had or ever will have. He goes out of his way to make me feel sexy, beautiful, and never ceases to amaze me with the joy he brings in my heart. As corny as this all sounds I’m so in love with him. He is my heart and I am his, you can’t live without your heart. I just pray that my father will eventually accept the love we have for each other. If he makes me choose the right thing is to choose my father but truth be told I would just continue to be with jess behind his back. I love them both so much I’m not willing to live without either one of them. I’m not sure if I mentioned that the halfway house I’ve been staying at, Phases, called and offered to give me another chance.  I said I’d come as kong as I could have my phone and they agreed. But when I got back this program is something like 12 people under. So many people and relapsed and left that there’s hardly anyone left. So is that why she offered for me to come back, because they needed the money? Or was it genuinely because they want me to succeed and want me here as a person as well.  Either way my mother doesn’t want me staying here. She wants me to go to Recovery Community.  And I actually kind of want to go there too.  You can be in a relationship there and your curfew is 10 PM and you get to keep your cell phone and it’s just all around more laid back from what I hear. Now, it could’ve been represented falsely to me because the source that offered that information isn’t exactly reliable. I’m going to call to get put on the waiting list tomorrow and I’ll ask those questions. My job is beginning to be too much. I’m perfectly capable of following a schedule but when you expect me to jump when you says it’s not fair. I make plans or just want to relax on my days off and it never fails that he will call me in. Yesterday I just ignored his calls all day. The night before I did say that if he really needed someone that I would come in but I was naive enough to believe that whoever was scheduled might actually come in. So I slept in and just didn’t answer. I should have because I said I’d come in but I just needed a break. To be honest I’ve just been too depressed to get out of bed since I’ve been back. I’m hoping that’s because I missed a couple days of taking my medication and that it will get better since I’m back on it but I really don’t know. I’m lonely again. My new roommates are older and never home. When I was staying at the main house there was always something going on and someone to talk to.  And my roommates there had gotten to the point to where they enjoyed my company or at least enjoyed laughing at the things I said. My house manager said I needed to spread my wings from the main house. I’m not sure if that because she trusts me more, or if she just doesn’t care if I do well as long as I’m paying rent, or maybe she just thinks I’m happy enough with myself that it doesn’t matter where I’m at and who’s there with me.  Either way this isn’t working out so well. And Idk if another halfway house will fix this funk but it’s worth a try. I fear that perhaps I’m running away from my problems by moving but I just know that something definitely needs to be different if I expect myself to make it further this time. Plus, I’ll get to be with Jess much more. And with that dirt bag Clint tried to take advantage of me and what Crissy got me into and the friends I’ve lost here, I just want to join another circle of recovery. That might be immature but I’m just desperate to be at least content with who I am because I’m just not happy. I love my parents so much it’s insane and that’s the only thing that’s working out. My father isn’t really talking to me because I spent time with Jess (my boyfriend, by the way) but my mother is my best friend again and for that I am grateful. I mean I’m like really grateful I am blessed with the best parents anyone could ever dream of. As a matter of fact it’s actually making me tear up which is okay because it’s motivation to give this sobriety shit a try. I need to do it for myself but if I’m doing it for them I’m at least doing it and I know that eventually I’ll get to where I’m doing it for me again because that’s how it went before I relapsed. And don’t get me wrong. I am so blessed and believe it or not with I take a moment to think I am more grateful than I’ve ever been.

connect

Tonight my rich friend Jenn was supposed to do her buy with Big Sam. She said she wasn’t feeling well and the bank wouldn’t let her withdrawal the remaining 700$she needed in order to have the full amount. Jessie notified Sam and he his so pissed. Jess said we might have lost a good connect over this. He is definitely a good person to have on your side but they come and go. I doubt I’ll feel the same way when it the time come that I need something. We rescheduled for tomorrow. That should make us about 175$. I hope she gets me this job. 11.50$ an hour is really good for me. Especially considering it’ll be a normal 9-5 job. I’m meeting Jenn when she gets off work at Pat’s and were going to hang out there until the boys get off work. She’s seven years older than me and calls me her “bestie”. I never quite liked that word. I wonder if she’s sure of my age. I suppose I seem mature to her somehow? I’m not though, just old souled. Dear God, please keep Jessie out of jail. Thank you. I love you, amen. I’ve been speeding about five nights a week at Jessie’s. I’ve really started to get comfortable with the long term idea. I just want to wait until I have a job. I don’t like having to ask Jess for money every time I want something, which is unfortunately often. I just got an idea, love you bye.

fuck

The text I was in the process of posting just deleted somehow.  If this is any indication of how the rest of my day is going play out, I’m going back to bed.  Which is funny because I couldn’t if I wanted to considering every morning I work I’m stranded in Madison until the bus comes. I might as well go to work, at least when I’m there I get paid for being miserable. Heaven help me.