It's A Systematic Shutdown. You Will Fail That Test. You Have No Memory. You Will Forget That Speech.

It's a systematic shutdown. You will fail that test. You have no memory. You will forget that speech. Forget how to get to work. And when finally there, you will break down harder than you have ever imagined. Why are my hands shaking when my mind is so still? How can I peel back each layer of skin on my fingertips and still see God? My ghost is very gifted. However, I am not. Let me sink into this chair, the floor, the bed. Whatever holds me still and forget I ever had a name, even something as trivial as a life. When moss grows on trees people do not remark on its tentativeness, it's parasitic nature. It's ugly color. They say 'this shows me the way and covers the dead trees in life'. So when I'm screaming louder than my lungs have ever screamed and my fists make contact with my head, there is no loudness in my heart. My heart wants to die like the rest of me. But my mind hovers over my body like Brutus over Caesar and triumphs in its take over. The lion once waiting with bated breath, now cowers in hopes that maybe death will be kind and sweet. But I am now being lowered into the ground. Finding that glorious cage of health and happiness. It slips away from me every once and awhile. It hides itself, in hopes of teaching me a lesson. But this time, I'm not sure if we'll ever see each other again.

Melissa Rose

Tags

mental illness mental health poetry anxiety Depression recovery

Me without You

I cannot tell if the reason I now want to be skin and bones is because you left me. I cannot tell if that was the match hitting the strike or just some kindle to a roaring flame. Did I always feel this way? There are no words left, because you stole them all. You could have saved me an explanation, but I guess my tears were answer enough. I thought I would become a person, but I’m less now than I ever was. Just a pebble in an ocean, instead of a boulder in a pond. When you feel deep in your heart and soul that you do not matter, things start to not matter. Life does not matter. Your health does not matter. So while I try to see the inside of my skeleton, I hope she was worth it, while I sit here and die.

Tags

heartbreak anxiety Depression broken heart breakup eatingdisorder

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melissarose47

7 years ago

I am trying to not let the world swallow me whole. Spit me back out again. Leave me scarred and bare. I am trying not to fail at a life I've already failed at. Pick up the pieces after they've already scattered in the water. Ink fading, it's almost illegible now. I have sat and watched the sun set but still feel tired with my sleeping bones. My heart is no longer dark and cold, but is now covered in thorns and cement. I chisel at it everyday, but the blood that covers my hands is too much to bear sometimes. I can feel my spine protruding, my heart anxiously beating, but I still wonder when happiness will come. Will it come when I search for it? When I find it? Or will it come when no one is looking and it moves at free will. I have lost many things, but I'm trying not to do that anymore.

Melissa Rose

Tags

poetry

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melissarose47

7 years ago

I'm tired of waking up and wondering, "What's gonna hurt today?" I'm tired of them saying, "You're only 22, this shouldn't be happening!" But I am 22. And this is happening. I'm tired of complaining to my friends and having them hear the same sad story every time. I'm tired of being in too much pain or too sick from painkillers to do my job at work. I'm tired of chaining myself every night to a heating pad and ice packs. Soaking in Epsom salts, bathing in lidocaine, surviving in braces and bandages. When you're too tired to work out, too tired to stand up, too tired to keep your eyes open and each and everyday the alarm goes off and you dread being anywhere but your bed because at least there is no pain there. When you decide which brace goes on which knee based on the pain you're feeling and then end up changing it halfway through the day because now the other knee is hurting. When you have to decide which body parts need to be wrapped in tape and which need a hot patch. There is no longer a definition of fun when everyday you fight back tears that shouldn't even be there because "You're 22 and this shouldn't be happening!" But I am 22. And this is happening.

Melissa Rose "Burning Bridges While I'm On Them"

Tags

chronic pain pain poetry anxiety Depression sports injuries

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melissarose47

9 years ago