Ok So He Said He Still Wants To Be Chill But We Haven't Really Spoken Since We Broke Up But Like I Put

I thought I thought I was generally healed from my ED but evidently not cuz I just threw up all my guts and 5 hours + a nap later I can still feel mia

I have no future uh..... I'm actually very scared

i love dexter

I fear I'm getting a hyperfixation to dexter and dispite my hate for reading and my inability to read (dyslexia) I might buy the books to read them

My notes app is colour coordinated for this reason

Pee pee poo poo

I just had the most extreme urge to relapse into sh again but then I had a poo and now I don't have the urge anymore

Lowk lost all will to live again

Lowk burnt out again

Lowk drinking alone again

Lowk ugly again

Lowk fat again

Lowk hate myself again

Lowk relapsed again

Lowk unlovable again

Lowk lost everything again

I hate spring

I got that spring time apring time sadness

Why does no one else have spring seasonal depression

Spring highlights my low mood cuz everything is suppose to be happy

Addiction sucks because you get so deep into it that you dont know how to live without your substance. Life without it feels so lacklustre. You lose track of who you are

I am an alcoholic trying to recover but living without is so hard for me.

This is my plan

I will start drinking in secret to try reduce my alc intake cuz trying to go sober is really hard, idk how to act sober, idk who I am sober, idk how to feel normal sober

It just doesnt work for me

Trying to stay sober while everyone around you is either street drinking or clubbing is so hard

I'm 18 why do I have to struggle like this

The only way I will feel happy without blacking out or doing stupid shit is if i keep drinking but without telling anyone,

Doing it in secret because then I will be worried about people knowing so I will be forced to drink less but I still get to have the clutch that makes me likeable and able to actually enjoy my time

I know this is a bad idea and I should just cut it out entirely but after a week of trying I just cant I cannot it is too difficult

this ego train I've been on for the past 3 months it's starting to crash

maybe I was never that bitch

maybe I am just ill

maybe it was never meant to be

it being happiness and me

slowly starting to not reply and not text

if I'm not needed then I wont try stay

if life is meaningless then so be it I dont care

I hope we all die from isolation

into disintegration