I Think It Needs To Become Common Knowledge That "inability To Read Social Cues" Can Show Up As Overcompensating.

Skills Activity (ACCEPTS)

While DBT is often referenced for BPD, I think a lot of the skills are useful for almost anyone, so this activity is going to be focused on the ACCEPTS skill and coming up with a plan for a future circumstance. This skill is useful in times of emotional crisis where you may need a distraction to get through until you can properly deal with the emotions. (Example: You're at work and need to get through the work day before you can deal with the feelings.)

The goal is to answer the questions in italics when you’re calm so that you can look through the list in a time of need (usually a time when you need a distraction) which is why I’m suggesting doing this activity in advance. You can do this in a notebook, on your phone, computer, etc. Wherever will be accessible to you. Please feel free to skip over any that you think aren’t doable for you in a time of distress.

Activities: Focus on activities that you enjoy and/or involve thought and concentration. Maybe this is watching a show, doing some baking or something like that.

What are some activities that you enjoy or distract you that you could do in a time you need distraction?

Contributing: Focus on someone/something other than yourself. This may mean doing a good deed (even something small like giving someone a compliment like “I love your shirt!”) or something like volunteering. These things can make you feel good and serve as a good distraction. Something simple could be sending someone some anonymous love!

Are there some ideas you have that you could do? Write some down if you can.

Comparisons: Compare your situation to a time you’ve been through a worse circumstance and made it through. This doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid now (they definitely are) but can serve as a reminder that you can get through this.

If brainstorming for this is likely to be triggering, please skip this over. If not, maybe write down some reminders of things you’ve overcome that you didn’t think you could. (Example for me - stopped smoking).

Emotions: Focus on something that will create another emotion. If you’re feeing depressed, maybe there is a show/movie that never fails to make you laugh. It’s something silly, but I find it really hard to feel sad whenever I put on some of my favourite childhood songs like the “Hamster Dance” and I can’t help but sing when I put on “I Just Can’t Wait to be King.” For me, singing and dancing can make me feel better, even if just for a little while.

What are some things that usually make you smile or laugh that you can think of or do when you need to try and feel a different emotion?

Bonus - Write down ideas for more than the “happy emotion” like “hopeful, serenity, etc”.

Pushing away: Imagine yourself physically pushing away your emotions. Maybe it helps to even write them down on a piece of paper and crumble it up and throw it away, or even tear it up.

Is there something you can do to make pushing away emotions easier? If something like writing it down and tearing it up may help, jot something like that down.

Thoughts: Focus on distracting thoughts when your emotions take over. This might mean counting in your head, reciting something you’ve memorized in your head, or engaging in an activity like reading.

What are some distracting thoughts you could focus on? (Example- things like picking a category - like dog breeds, and naming all the breeds you can think of, etc).

What are distracting activities you could do? (Example - Doing a wordsearch, sudoko, colouring book, etc).

Sensations: Focus on strong (but safe) sensations. Maybe this is sucking on a sour candy, or holding an ice cube.

What sensations can you try if you need to ground yourself or distract yourself?

Feel free to share your answers if you answer these by reblogging this or posting in our community!

“Understanding your past and embarking on a new future can be a bittersweet process. Shining a light on what happened to you and how it affected your choices can stir up sadness about what you’ve lost or never had. That’s the way light is. It shines on everything, not just the things we want to see. When you decide to uncover the truth about yourself and your family relationships, you may be surprised by what’s revealed, especially when you see how these patterns have been passed down through the generations. Sometimes you may wonder whether all this knowledge is for the best. It may even seem as though it would be better not to know.”

—

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson

btw curating a beautiful environment is about honouring yourself. when you choose to surround yourself with things that are well-made, thoughtfully designed, and meaningful, you affirm that your daily experience matters. investing in quality over convenience sends a subconscious message of self-worth that is completely foundational to building a better life.

The Fast Drafting Challenge

It's time for the first writing challenge of the year. We'll be starting with fast drafting.

The goal is to fast-draft 1,000 words by the end of the week. Feel free to keep working on an existing project or start something new.

Here's the challenge in Writing Analytics:

https://app.writinganalytics.co/challenge/65a6929ca653549bd3ca1fbb

Why Fast Draft?

Even though it's called fast drafting, speed isn't the point. Writers use this technique to get out of their way and beat writer's block.

When you write fast, your inner critic can't keep up. You don't have time to go back and revise your prose until it's perfect. There's no time to agonise about ideas because you're pushing aggressively forward.

Once you have the first draft, it's much easier to see whether your decisions were correct. That's the time to fix things and tweak the prose.

If you struggle with finishing your stories or get stuck frequently, give fast drafting a go. It might change your writing life.

wishing you a safe return back to yourself

My latest Guardian Books cartoon.

I think 99% of my advice for healthy relationships is to communicate, especially in advance.

Talk to your loved ones about conflict before you have one. Talk about how you react to conflict and ways you can solve conflict together. If you need to walk away during conflict to gather your thoughts, let them know before you have a conflict so that they can be prepared for the fact that you may need space. If there are certain things that really upset you that typically come up during conflicts, let them know.

Talk to your loved ones about your insecurities before they become a problem. Maybe this means planning a way to communicate that you could use some reassurance. Maybe this means getting a letter from them, or screenshots to read when you need to.

Talk to your loved ones about boundaries. If something they tease you about is actually upsetting, communicate that and let them know. Our loved ones generally want to make our lives better and wouldn’t continue to do stuff if they knew it was hurting you. They don’t know there’s a problem to fix if they aren’t told.

Talk to your loved ones if something is bothering you. Do you feel you always message first or initiate contact? Talk to them about it. Don’t start playing the “I’m not going to message until they do” game. Try not to become passive aggressive or hint at the problem.

Talk to your loved ones about things you like, appreciate or love. Give them the opportunity to do these things for you.

If a loved one is venting to you, ask what they need if they don’t tell you. Ask if they’d like support, or for you to offer validation or advice, or just to listen. This can prevent so much. When we get advice sometimes when we’re upset, we’re not in a place for it and it can make it worse and create conflict.

If a loved one is struggling and you don’t know how to help, don’t just avoid them because you don’t know what to say. Ask them how they’d like support. Sometimes people just want company, a distraction or to know they’re loved. On the other side of this, try to tell your loved ones how they can help. Often they do want to help, they just don’t know help.

I could go on and on about this, but perhaps you get the idea by now.

Our loved ones aren’t mind readers, but sometimes we expect them to be and that isn’t fair to them or us. That usually ends with both you and them being upset. Communicate directly when you can.

“I like Simone Weil’s idea that writing is actually the translation of a text we already carry within us. That notion makes a heavy task lighter. In fact, though, writing is the backbreaking work of hacking a footpath, as in a coal mine; in total darkness, beneath the earth. In poetry there are moments of illumination. A streak of light falls in the dark corridor, then the darkness slams shut overhead once more. In prose the darknesses are even thicker, the black clods even harder.”

— Anna Kamienska, from “In That Great River: A Notebook”

See, the thing is, as a writer you are free. You are about the freest person that ever was. Your freedom is what you have bought with your solitude, your loneliness. You are in the country where you make up the rules, the laws. You are both dictator and obedient populace. It is a country nobody has ever explored before. It is up to you to make the maps, to build the cities. Nobody else in the world can do it, or ever could do it, or ever will be able to do it again.

Ursula K. Le Guin, The Language of the Night.