poetatwork

Latest Posts by poetatwork

STOP DOING SHIT THAT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY OUT OF A SENSE OF OBLIGATION

btw curating a beautiful environment is about honouring yourself. when you choose to surround yourself with things that are well-made, thoughtfully designed, and meaningful, you affirm that your daily experience matters. investing in quality over convenience sends a subconscious message of self-worth that is completely foundational to building a better life.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers who love their daughters dearly despite not liking them all that much. My mother has never liked me as a person (or at least, not since I’ve become the person I currently am) - my personality is in many ways at odds with her’s. Where she is strategic and deliberate I am impulsive and passionate. We are both incredibly emotional but in distinct and clashing ways. That said, my mother has showed up as my greatest ally when it’s mattered and has given me all that I need to thrive. She may not particularly enjoy my presence - and, quite frankly, may never have hoped for a daughter like me - but she’s stuck by me regardless. I think that’s an incredibly pure form of love - endurance and tolerance in the face of contradiction and misunderstanding.

embarrassment has good bones

Crazy how bullying is not really acknowledged as a real trauma like you really have to endure years and years of lord of the flies and then just move on like it never happened

Glennon Doyle, Untamed

Okay so when I got sucked into the phantom zone last week while watching youtube shorts a lot of the content it fed me was ADHD tips and a lot of it was either useless for me or redundant but there was one REALLY good tip about taking breaks that wasn't about taking breaks it was about RETURNING from breaks and the tip is: when you are about to go on a break, before you step away from your task (work, craft project, school stuff) decide what you'll do as the first thing when you sit back down at your task and set up your workspace to do that thing.

That means you've got an easy re-entry point to go back to doing the thing instead of sitting back down and having to make a decision or having to reorient from break mode to task mode. You have pre-reoriented and can just go back into working mode.

I've been doing this by circling what my next task on my tasklist is and bringing up the windows that I'll need for the task before I step away from my desk.

Brilliant hack, works great for me, hope it works great for you as well.

I think it needs to become common knowledge that "inability to read social cues" can show up as overcompensating.

You don't know how much misbehaviour is allowed, so you become the perfect child who never tests rules.

You don't know if someone is irritated with you, so you'll be extra generous and self-effacing.

You don't know how much is expected of you at work so you'll kill yourself in a minimum-wage job and not notice that nobody else is working like this.

"Hardworking and quiet" should be as much of an autism red flag as "ignores rules and doesn't know when to stop talking". Or why don't we just start using words to communicate so i can stop tracking everybody's eyebrow twitches, that would be great.

The trick is to be more curious than you're scared.

I took it too far like I always do

Take up space . At work. In your relationships. On the train. Don’t make yourself small for anyone.

i think ultimately you do really have to kill that part of your brain that vividly imagines how you would redo parts of your life.

sometimes life puts you in the same situation again to see if you’re still a dumbass

hi, a lot of you need a perspective reset

the average human lifespan globally is 70+ years

taking the threshold of adulthood as 18, you are likely to spend at least 52 years as a fully grown adult

at the age of 30 you have lived less than one quarter of your adult life (12/52 years)

'middle age' is typically considered to be between 45-65

it is extremely common to switch careers, start new relationships, emigrate, go to college for the first or second time, or make other life-changing decisions in middle age

it's wild that I even have to spell it out, but older adults (60+) still have social lives and hobbies and interests.

you can still date when you get old. you can still fuck. you can still learn new skills, fashionable, be competitive. you can still gossip, you can still travel, you can still read. you can still transition. you can still come out.

young doesn't mean peaked. you're inexperienced in your 20s! you're still learning and practicing! you're developing social skills and muscle memory that will last decades!

there are a million things to do in the world, and they don't vanish overnight because an imaginary number gets too big

Be patient & give yourself time to grow.🌱🌻

You are enough as you are.

You don't need to be healed. You don't need to have accomplished certain things. You don't need to have met your goals, or done something you see as groundbreaking.

You are enough, right now, as you are. I promise.

Quilt 1885

Artist/maker unknown, American Made for Sarah Minturn Bacon Edge (American, 1853–1916); made for Jacob Valentine Edge (American, 1841–1913)

Medium: silk and cotton blend satin, silk floss and chenille embroidery, silk cord trim with cotton core, cotton batting, silk taffeta lining

Philadelphia Museum of Art

“It took many years of vomiting up all the filth I’d been taught about myself, and half-believed, before I was able to walk on the earth as though I had a right to be here.”

— James Baldwin, The Price of the Ticket

Possibly the Most important thing you'll read this year...

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the 'Peanuts' comic strip.

You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just ponder on them. Just read it straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

These are no second-rate achievers.

They are the best in their fields.

But the applause dies.

Awards tarnish ...

Achievements are forgotten.

Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

Easier?

The lesson:

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money ... or the most awards. They simply are the ones who care the most.

“Understanding your past and embarking on a new future can be a bittersweet process. Shining a light on what happened to you and how it affected your choices can stir up sadness about what you’ve lost or never had. That’s the way light is. It shines on everything, not just the things we want to see. When you decide to uncover the truth about yourself and your family relationships, you may be surprised by what’s revealed, especially when you see how these patterns have been passed down through the generations. Sometimes you may wonder whether all this knowledge is for the best. It may even seem as though it would be better not to know.”

—

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson

So when you’re longing for an emotional connection, remind yourself that your painful feeling of aloneness is coming not just from your individual history, but also from human genetic memory. Just like you, our distant ancestors had a strong need for emotional closeness. Your need for attention and connection is as old as the human race.

Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson

“As we grow into adulthood, we secretly expect our closest relationships to make our healing fantasies come true. Our subconscious expectations for other people come straight from this childhood fantasy world. We believe that if we keep at it long enough, we will eventually get people to change. We might think our emotional loneliness will finally be healed by a partner who always thinks of our needs first or a friend who never lets us down. Often these unconscious fantasies are quite self-defeating. For example, one woman secretly believed that if only she could make her depressed father happy, she would finally be free in her own life to do what she wanted. She didn’t realize she was already free to live her own life, even if her father stayed miserable. Another woman was sure she could get the kind of love she longed for from her husband if she did everything he wanted. When he still didn’t give her the attention she thought she’d earned, she was furious with him. Her anger covered the anxiety she felt when she realized her healing story wasn’t working, even though she’d given it her best shot. Since childhood, she had been sure she could make herself lovable by being a “good” person. We usually have no idea that we’re trying to foist a healing fantasy on someone, but it can be seen in the little tests of love we put people through. It’s easier for an outsider to see how unrealistic the fantasy is. Successful marital therapy often involves exposing how people’s healing fantasies try to force their partners to give them the loving childhood they always wished for.”

— Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Lindsay C. Gibson

I have been reading this book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents by psychologist Lindsay C. Gibson.

It's mostly aimed at people looking to heal from emotonally immature parents, as the title says, and I really like that in order to discuss emotional immaturity she takes the time to define what emotional maturity means and what it looks like, citing the multiple sources on which it has been studied.

I thought it was a handy reference to assess how I'm behaving and how the people around me behave, so in case it turns out useful for anyone else, here's a summary of the section she wrote on emotionally mature people.

Definition of Emotional Maturity

Emotional maturity means "a person is capable of thinking objectively and conceptually while sustaining deep emotional connection to others" (pg. 28).

Traits of Emotionally Mature People

In summary, emotionally mature people:

can function independently while also having deep emotional attachments, smoothly incorporating both into their life

are direct about pursuing what they want, yet do so without exploiting others

have differentiated from their original family relationships to build a life of their own

have a well-developed sense of self and identity

treasure their closest relationships

are comfortable and honest about their own feelings

get along with other people thanks to well-developed empathy, impulse control, and emotional intelligence

are interested in other people's inner lives

enjoy opening up and sharing with others in an emotionally intimate way

deal with others directly to smooth out differences when there's a problem

cope with stress in a realistic, forward-looking way, while consciously processing their thoughts and feelings

can control their emotions when necessary

anticipate the future

adapt to reality

use empathy and humor to ease difficult situations and strengthen bonds with others

enjoy being objective

know themselves well enough to admit their weaknesses

(These are largely verbatim as they come in the book)

Also, as I understand it, these behaviors/techniques/characteristics are supposed to be learned from the adults in your life, so if you lacked a guide to teach you, it makes sense if you don't know how to do all these, either. But it is your duty to teach yourself now.

The secret to adulting is this:

Learn how to reduce your resistance against the things you know you have to do.

You don’t have to like it or enjoy it. You just need to stop avoiding, delaying, or ignoring what you know to be in your best interest.

With repeated experience of the benefits, you will learn a new kind of appreciation for the practice we call “adulting.”

https://www.thecut.com/2018/11/im-broke-and-friendless-and-ive-wasted-my-whole-life.html

Skills Activity (ACCEPTS)

While DBT is often referenced for BPD, I think a lot of the skills are useful for almost anyone, so this activity is going to be focused on the ACCEPTS skill and coming up with a plan for a future circumstance. This skill is useful in times of emotional crisis where you may need a distraction to get through until you can properly deal with the emotions. (Example: You're at work and need to get through the work day before you can deal with the feelings.)

The goal is to answer the questions in italics when you’re calm so that you can look through the list in a time of need (usually a time when you need a distraction) which is why I’m suggesting doing this activity in advance. You can do this in a notebook, on your phone, computer, etc. Wherever will be accessible to you. Please feel free to skip over any that you think aren’t doable for you in a time of distress.

Activities: Focus on activities that you enjoy and/or involve thought and concentration. Maybe this is watching a show, doing some baking or something like that.

What are some activities that you enjoy or distract you that you could do in a time you need distraction?

Contributing: Focus on someone/something other than yourself. This may mean doing a good deed (even something small like giving someone a compliment like “I love your shirt!”) or something like volunteering. These things can make you feel good and serve as a good distraction. Something simple could be sending someone some anonymous love!

Are there some ideas you have that you could do? Write some down if you can.

Comparisons: Compare your situation to a time you’ve been through a worse circumstance and made it through. This doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid now (they definitely are) but can serve as a reminder that you can get through this.

If brainstorming for this is likely to be triggering, please skip this over. If not, maybe write down some reminders of things you’ve overcome that you didn’t think you could. (Example for me - stopped smoking).

Emotions: Focus on something that will create another emotion. If you’re feeing depressed, maybe there is a show/movie that never fails to make you laugh. It’s something silly, but I find it really hard to feel sad whenever I put on some of my favourite childhood songs like the “Hamster Dance” and I can’t help but sing when I put on “I Just Can’t Wait to be King.” For me, singing and dancing can make me feel better, even if just for a little while.

What are some things that usually make you smile or laugh that you can think of or do when you need to try and feel a different emotion?

Bonus - Write down ideas for more than the “happy emotion” like “hopeful, serenity, etc”.

Pushing away: Imagine yourself physically pushing away your emotions. Maybe it helps to even write them down on a piece of paper and crumble it up and throw it away, or even tear it up.

Is there something you can do to make pushing away emotions easier? If something like writing it down and tearing it up may help, jot something like that down.

Thoughts: Focus on distracting thoughts when your emotions take over. This might mean counting in your head, reciting something you’ve memorized in your head, or engaging in an activity like reading.

What are some distracting thoughts you could focus on? (Example- things like picking a category - like dog breeds, and naming all the breeds you can think of, etc).

What are distracting activities you could do? (Example - Doing a wordsearch, sudoko, colouring book, etc).

Sensations: Focus on strong (but safe) sensations. Maybe this is sucking on a sour candy, or holding an ice cube.

What sensations can you try if you need to ground yourself or distract yourself?

Feel free to share your answers if you answer these by reblogging this or posting in our community!