My Percy Jackson Story

"Standards: A Slam Poem"

“Standards: A Slam Poem” In third grade I sat wondering, “Aren’t your parents supposed to love you?” After yelling at me for receiving a 99%, I sat heartbrokenly crying at the piano, incoherently sobbing while you just sat right next me engrossed in your own little world staring at a computer screen, not noticing your sobbing daughter. Your daughter. The one you call stupid selfish greedy idiotic senseless worthless and every other insult you can possibly muster from that pea sized brain of yours. You have a PhD, not an understanding of human emotion or limitation. You set standards so high that they are more than impossible to reach. Every time I get even remotely close those expectations are heightened beyond belief. It feels like I’m in a desert and finally achieving your expectations is just a mirage. I climb life like a rope hoping to see that bell but it just keeps fading, climbing twice as fast. I’m overwhelmed, stressed, and unhappy. I can’t recall the last time I have been happy, if I’ve ever known what that feels like to begin with. I do not know the feeling of feeling appreciation. I do not recall that last time you expressed pride in me because it has never happened. A few words can send me flying teetering free-falling off of the edge holding in tears while you sit by completely unaware. After spending hours pouring over a thirteen page essay I’ve asked you to read multiple times, you finally did so when I got the grade back… three months later. Shocked, you said, “This is actually good.” “Actually?” Hours upon hours poured into an assignment that some people failed, returning home with a 98%. But even so you looked at the rubric and told me, “2.5 out of 3 for this section? This is unacceptable” There were 150 points possible by the way. Are you asking me to achieve perfection? The impossibility of flawlessness? I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to give I don’t know how to try. Even as I tell myself not to, I succumb to what you want. I stretch myself thin worry myself to an early grave and I am weak. I am weak in the fact that I give in. I am weak in the fact that despite my straining vocal cords and my pulled taut muscles I am your slave, your doll. I look at my reflection in the mirror and tell myself that I am strong, but I still bend to your will. You’re living vicariously through me, forcing me to do and accomplish all that you had failed to do in your youth. You feel revived in me making a carbon copy of yourself and thinking that you are making a great contribution to the world. What you have yet to realize is that I will never be like you. When I see traces of you in me, I think of myself as nothing but a monster. You have allowed me, forced me to let letters and numbers define me. You say that you do absolutely everything for me but you only truly care for yourself. I’m barely clinging onto life here on my side of things and yet you still push. You push and push and force. Every time I attempt to bring up your faults, you turn them back onto me. Yet when you complain about my faults, you fail to realize that they are yours too. For a one that claims to know science, you don’t seem to understand simple genetics. Maybe you gave me my skills for acting. I fake like no other, constantly living a play. With a mask of content on my face and a smile plastered to my lips, I wipe away my sadness and I diminish the darkness in my eyes. I act around you and I fool you all… I’m almost good enough to fool myself into believing that I am happy, that I am satisfied with my life. The one person the one friend that understood what I’m going through has found her happiness leaving me lonelier than before which I never thought possible. Surrounded by people everywhere we go and yet I am so isolated and so closed off from the world. Am I shutting myself in, or are you shutting me out? I for one do know that you would love it if I stayed home every day holed up in my room, studying. After all, Harvard is for those who strive hard enough. Harvard! Harvard is a dream you built for me forced onto me, and yet if I bring it up, you say, “As if someone like you can get into Harvard.” Ever since I was two, you have pummeled drummed into my head that I am to go to Harvard and make the family proud. Yet here you are crushing under your foot a dream that I am not even sure that I want. This is because I don’t know what I want! How can I know what I want when I don’t even know who I am? I have no clue who I am. You have made me play pretend for so long that I no longer remember the girl I used to be, if I were any different before to begin with. I aimlessly wander about, unsure of every decision I make unsure of every action I execute. Congratulations on making me second guess myself and regret my life. Good job making your daughter a numb brainless drone. Your standards your expectations are like shackles, weighing me down and chaining me to a life I no longer wish to live. Every fiber of my being is shrieking at myself, scolding myself, telling myself to not give in to your standards. Tonight, as well as all of the others, I shall cry myself to sleep. I will mourn for the girl that grew up too fast, that lost herself before she found herself. Yet tomorrow morning and with every other passing day, I will be back to the automaton, living for you, but not for me.

From script to screen.

i always wonder why no one likes me and then i remember i dont even like me

“The things that Bellamy wanted to say to Clarke in that moment can’t be summed up in one simple statement”

Bob about 4X06

(via macavitythefearless)

Yassss! Percyyyyyy

Perfect boys / Perfekte Jungs en We Heart It.

My Dyl

azerty

Stilessss

I love how stupid Stiles is 😘💕 #dylanobrien #teenwolf #stiles #sesson2 #stupid #stilesstilinski #perfection #cute #amore #flawless

Clarke: So if I called you on the radio every day for six years, that must mean that I…

Bellamy: Really like talking on the radio??

Dylan in 2013 is the best thing in the world.

Sometimes I wonder if Bellamy and Clarke remember every single moment and words they exchanged like we do…

Like… does Bellamy remember how he roared when he jumped on Dax while he was firing at Clarke? Does Clarke remember her whisper “he’s killing him” as she watched Tristan knocking Bellamy down? Does Bellamy remember how relieved he was when Clarke made it back in Camp Jaha? Or does Clarke remember how her whole face light up when she saw Bellamy after the she escaped Mt. Weather?

Does Clarke remember the sting of “I was being weak. It’s worth the risk” and the hurt in Bellamy’s eyes? Does Bellamy how his hips danced when the first person he spoke to from inside Mt. Whether was Clarke because of course she would be there waiting for him to radio back! And does Clarke remember how she tried to hide her panic from the other when they lost contact with Bellamy? Or the sigh she let out once they reunited inside the mountain and he was alive? Do they remember how they were fighting back their tears as they were saying goodbye?

Does Clarke remember how socked she was when out of nowhere Bellamy appears to save her after three months? Or how relieved Bellamy was when he found her alive? Does he remember Clarke begging for his life and then getting knocked out? What about the pain from the stab wound on his leg? Does Clarke remember Bellamy’s face when she told him she couldn’t go back with him? And does Bellamy remember how he froze when suddenly Clarke was back, searching for him, her best friend and co-leader? Do they remember how they fall back to working together so easily? Do they remember all the conversations they had about forgiveness and all they time they were willing to forgive the other but not themselves?

Does Bellamy remember how stunned he was when Clarke told him that she doesn’t trust Roan with her life but he’ll be there and she trust him? Or how worried he was when his team got caught and their plan failed? How desperate he was to find Clarke because he knew she was in danger? Heck, does Clarke remember how she couldn’t form any words once she heard her own mother ordering to bring Bellamy up in order to break her and tell them the pass phrase? Does Bellamy remember Clarke reaching for his hand while she was about to get into the City of Light and how tight he hold it? Or the panic on his face at first when they thought something was wrong and Clarke’s life was in danger but then everything was okay and he was determinate to keep everyone away from her while she was trying to save them.

Does Clarke remember how Bellamy freaked out when he found Echo holding a sword on Clarke’s throat? Or how a weight was lifted from her shoulder once he wrote her name on that list? How it felt to save each other? Does Clarke remember how worried she was every time Bellamy’s team was late from a mission? Does Bellamy remember how his hand was couldn’t stop trembling at the thought of Clarke’s dead body being under that tart by the river? Or later that the grounder threatened to kill her while driving and he couldn’t do much other than keep driving and trying to figure a way to save her? The sigh he let out and the smile he had on his face once that was over?

Does Bellamy remember how getting betrayed by Clarke felt when she and Jaha stole the bunker and left his sister outside? Or the way he looked at her when she pointed a gun at him? Does he remember the way she sobbed and lowered the weapon because she couldn’t do it after all? Do they remember how awkward was for them to be at the same room after that or how easy it was to make up? How stupidly Bellamy crashed the rover because he was smiling at Clarke?

Does Bellamy remember how freaking worried he was when Clarke took off her helmet to save Emori? Or how sure Clarke was that she was going to die anyway? Do they remember how sad their conversation before Plaimfaya was and everything that happened after that?

(I’m not asking if Bellamy remembers how it felt to close the door and leave Clarke behind because I’m sure it’s a memory that will be with him forever.)

Anyway… and this guys, is why I can’t sleep at night. Thank you for coming, see you next week same time :)