Forever

Remember Oil

Oil

Tin can

Marble shaking around

“Oil can” says the tin man of a car

At least I know that there is a true heart inside

Along with a great dancer

But this oil...

Is making the somewhat broken ice more slippery

And harder to break

Even though you are a human teddy bear

That wears the same grey sweatshirt a lot,

Same though

You don't know, but you are

The tamer of my wild anxiety

We are literally driving in a shaking car with no right turn signal

And I find

That I'm comfortable with that

And I hope this ride doesn't end soon

Fight or Fight

I must fight

Anxiety wants me to flight

I have to go against my natural instincts

I cannot blink I wish I had an understudy for my life

You can't know about my thoughts of stripping bark

My brain as sharp as a pocket knife

You are not where I want you, get back in the dark Writing to win

Losing instead

Not wanting to gamble, so far not taking the free spin

I need to stop with the lead No more of this weak space

All my poetry I should erase

My nightmare of my Achilles's heel getting wounded came true

Is this new? I should have seen it coming

I am back to owning nothing

My body is numbing

No pillow for fluffing Broken trust

You use the excuse of caring

I won't hesitate anymore when I burn bridges to dust

I understand what I'm going to have to be bearing All of the decisions after another decision

I will make with the most precision

My fear,

Is that I won't manage to get off this revolving sphere

What Summer Is To Me

Summer has helped me almost fully recover

From being brainwashed

I almost lost me

But

I'm back to dreaming

About shoeshine and smiles

Back to the taste of salty sunflower seeds

Back to the smell of chives

Back to fires

And stars

Back to believing that shoeshine and smiles

Have more value than the realists could ever understand

Back to almost being able to feel the child in me playing

As if responsibilities and time do not exist

Back to smelling sunscreen and sweat

And loving it

Back to laying in cool grass

While staring up at the clouds

Back to feeling a little bit lonely in a unique way

In a Stargirl sort of way

Back to being as chill as

A flower girl

Living barefoot

Is the way it should be

Watching plants grow and cheering them out of the dirt

Bare, raw emotions bursting out of us like our acne

Warm sun feeling so good on your skin

Dreaming sweet dreams

All the while never wanting to sleep because life is more interesting

And secretly believing in the magic of shoeshine, smiles and the healing of summer

Tick Tock

The time is ticking down

Ever wonder when you'll be buried in the kind ground?

Never knowing the complex answers,

To simple questions

How do you see, how do others see your reflection? Would you want to know your time?

What if it was after reading this very line?

How would you want to do?

I don't want to be forgotten

This world is rotten I desperately want to leave a good mark

Stardust going back to dark

Matter is neither created nor destroyed

Humans going back to blank

But this last time your aunt stank Earth magic

Turning people's lives into tragic

This world takes all back home

Tick tock

Are you friends or are you fighting the clock? Some can't wait

Others believe that they don't deserve the white gate

Poor nonbelievers

They take the tick tock truth how it is

That's why we miss

I Got Worried

You should be worried about yourself

And yet you're worried about me

Even though you were in the ER the other day and still don't feel good

You worry about me staying up too late

And tell me, before you go to bed

To make sure that I don't stay up too late

When you're the one who is cold

You come to me with a pile of blankets

Even though it is you who is cold

And the same for when you're hungry

You come to me to ask if I'm hungry

Even if you know that I just ate

You worry about me choosing to walk alone

At night and in the dark

And you make me carry a flashlight because it makes you feel somewhat better

You turn the lights on

So that when I get home late from school

I am welcomed by light

And when I found out with morning confusion

That you were in the ER

That was when I got worried about you

Was It Me?

Was it me or was it you?

Did I move closer?

Or did you?

I cannot tell

Since we move as one

Its like you were made for me

We both realize the risk

Just like Adam and Eve

We cannot help ourselves

I may not understand love

But I understand my heart

For some reason I let you slip into my head

I know that this probably wont work out

But I cant stop dreaming

About us being together forever

I can picture our future very vivid

And yet I am too sick to live a normal life

You showed me the secrets of the universe

I went outside and I don’t remember any of it

Except for you

You opened my mind enough to let love in

And take risks

Because love cannot kill

The risk

I almost took

Was not taking one

One Way Magic

I live in a world of unfinished poems

Sometimes I lose them

And it hurts

But I suppose there is a beauty in it

In the fact that it was created

Then went missing into the universe

Sometimes I forget that old ways

Can be the best ways

There is beauty in lost things

Beauty in destruction

How things are created

Then just cease to exist

Like a one way magic trick

Now you see it,

Now you don't

And you shall

Never see it

Again

But the universe will move on

And there will be more days

And more things will be created

Solitary Confinement

It felt like solitary confinement

They have my finger print

All the windows had a tint

It was hard to see

Anything but all the problems wrong with me

Drowning in the unknowing sea

Been here so long I’ve got belly button lint

Can they take the silence as a hint?

May I have a breath mint?

Outside I can hear them talking

The secrets are shocking

That door I’m locking

The things I hide

Behind some deceptive lies

My heart dies

Inside here I have no control

Maybe he is secretly the troll

Trapped is my soul

My body is so tense

Just hop the fence

It sounds like I don’t make sense

Inside I’m dead

Heavy as lead

I don’t look fed

I wonder what they are saying

In here I’m slowly but surely decaying

The video cameras revealing everything, replaying

Somehow they forgot me

I long to be free

The new, changed world, I want to see

When is the last time I saw the bright shooting stars?

As I try to imagine mars,

Through the cold, rusty, thick, medal bars

At somebody getting in their car

I wonder what their life is like

Strike, strike,

Strike

I’ll get though this

No one has ever truly been here for me, there is no one I miss

No one is one the list

My only friend in here is a flickering light

I’m not done with this fight!

Will I be forced to stay another scary, rough night?

However this room is also bliss

As I reminisce

At least I’m finally away from the battles, the silence is a gentle kiss

NCCC

Never

Certain

Correctness

Current

Now

Cognitive

Correlation

Censor

New

College

Care

Collection

Noticed

Color

Confuse

Create

Trip

Swat

Soot

Positive

Treacherous

Stretch

Strengthen

Progress

This Cannot Be Natural

I want to stay

Cradled in between

Sweetly smooth melodies

Where I let my fingers go wandering freely

Humming the notes

That I did not take during calculus class

The reason was that I was busy dreaming of an impossible life

That’s what happens to me

When I feel stuck in between the bars without a single key

My signature move of not paying attention,

To the epsilon-delta definition of a limit

And honestly, I might have just found my mathematical limit of brain power

The tone of my voice has gotten beaten down

I cannot learn at this fast tempo

For the next bunch of weeks, I'm stuck with the strings attached

I try to simply count it out but it doesn’t add up

I don’t know how to measure

The slope of my own tangents

I put my signature on a piece of paper that says

This summer class requires a ton of deadication or it could easily result in failure

And now I feel

The sharp pain

That makes me fall flat

On my back

I can feel the anxious vibrato

Building up in my hands

Maybe I need a rest

This cannot be natural