Christmas Eve

Fight or Fight

I must fight

Anxiety wants me to flight

I have to go against my natural instincts

I cannot blink I wish I had an understudy for my life

You can't know about my thoughts of stripping bark

My brain as sharp as a pocket knife

You are not where I want you, get back in the dark Writing to win

Losing instead

Not wanting to gamble, so far not taking the free spin

I need to stop with the lead No more of this weak space

All my poetry I should erase

My nightmare of my Achilles's heel getting wounded came true

Is this new? I should have seen it coming

I am back to owning nothing

My body is numbing

No pillow for fluffing Broken trust

You use the excuse of caring

I won't hesitate anymore when I burn bridges to dust

I understand what I'm going to have to be bearing All of the decisions after another decision

I will make with the most precision

My fear,

Is that I won't manage to get off this revolving sphere

December Embers

December

Embers

Don't add light let me burn bright

Put me in the spotlight and I’ll turn grey

I want to hide from the light of day

Oh December

Embers

I'm going to use the heat for the long cold night

I'm burning out

But glowing in the dark is what I'm all about

Babe, December

Embers

Don't touch me when I'm hot

Don't fret

I'm not done quite yet

December

Embers

Blow on me to help

But that will only speed up the end

Just simply be my friend

December

Embers

From my eyes the crusty ash falls

I make myself pretty in the dark

I dare say my beautiful campfire smell will leave a mark

Dark December

Embers

Babe, I’ll be there when you wake up

When my light goes out don’t be afraid

I never let you fall, when I belayed

December

Embers

I'm going for the risk

Run your fingers through your hair

You can tell that I was there

Don’t desert December

Embers

No sugar just chalky

Just as long as you say we will always be a pair

I dare

Decimal December

Embers

I trust one and only one

Babe just communicate

Before I'm ugly, grey lets date

Depressed December

Embers

I hope you won't need it but...

I burnt the wood you knock on

No worries I got you, I'm strong

December

Embers

I don't know if I'm ready to jump

Keep it dark so you can see me glow

Please don't leave me out in the December snow

Let’s Start A Riot

Unpenetratable silence

Every movement amplified

But it's just because it's quiet

Can we silently start a riot? It's quiet enough to hear a pin drop 

You can hear people breathe

But that's because it's quiet

Can we please start a riot? Every move of this pencil sounds like it hurts

Trillions of graphite atoms screaming

My imagination goes crazy when it's too quiet

For my sanity, someone start a riot Or at least start talking

Tapping your foot would do

To stop the awkward quiet

Get us out of here so lead a riot When I'm alone, battling on my own

I want to listen to music for the illusion,

That it is not quiet

So I don't start a riot Music and words keep me sane

When I can no longer go,

Into the anxiety provoking quiet

Music and poetry are my silent riot

NCCC

Never

Certain

Correctness

Current

Now

Cognitive

Correlation

Censor

New

College

Care

Collection

Noticed

Color

Confuse

Create

Trip

Swat

Soot

Positive

Treacherous

Stretch

Strengthen

Progress

End Of A Line

When you come to the end of a line

I suggest you walk it carefully

Walk it as fearfully as you would a plank of a ship

It’s like an edge of a cliff

Walk to the edge of the unknown and take a leap

There could be words at the bottom to catch you

Let the words draw the line there

Or let the words take you out on a tightrope

In the end it just comes down to the wire

Are you daring enough to cross the line?

Bang Bang

My heart is made of gold

And it's oh so heavy it hurts

With every bang, bang Today

My broken is showing I don't think

I was supposed to be here It's like this isn't my life

I belong in a different one My life is at an advanced placement level

While my brain is at special education level

I'm too sensitive

And too weak They were right

About me after all Bang, Bang

All’s Not Lost

All's not lost

Until I have lost my mind

Now I will write

Into the night As if I am some sort of time lord

I will write

Until I feel alright

A poet’s tailbone

Is where they keep their tales

My tailbone is tired

I shall steal my sleep

From tomorrow

I am a true night time poet

With dry, tangled hair

Who knows where I’ll be able to take myself

Some is lost

And I'll admit that I fucked up

But I can almost trust

That this shall continue

I shall continue on this journey

That is full of losing

And gaining

Time Bomb

I'm a ticking time bomb

A bottle full of pressure

The cork is stuck

I won’t give them a warning to duck

Will shatter into a million pieces

A broken pencil

Not usable or wanted

You get taunted

Never picked first

But yet I get picked on first

Yet if someone just sharpened me…never

They still won’t let me pull the lever

I'm treading in high water and I'm getting tired

Going to blow eventually

No one can see all the pressure rising higher yet

Later, they might have regrets

What will they say when you explode?

Is that what they want?

They’ll laugh at the exploded mess,

And your unrealistic progress

Good luck picking yourself back up

Why don’t they just shut up already?

Why don’t you just open up to someone

Instead of hiding behind a zinger or a pun

Dead in a Shallow Puddle

The face of it

The eyes fully open as if it was looking for something in me

The short hair sticking straight up, floating in the gentle movement

of the little puddle

But the eyes, cold, ice, blue

I dared to touch the dead person's face

I could see the sky, wind, water in those blue eyes

Wondering what their story might have been

The eyes were still alive, searching

You could tell that the body was withering away

In those eyes there was everything but fire

The bones becoming visible

There was nothing scary in those eyes

Who left them behind like this?

You could tell from their eyes that the person was gentle but they were too

delicate,

Like frosting on a cake

What was the last thing those rich eyes saw?

How many winters?

His eyes give me meaning

Something to live for even though he is dead

But his eyes stay awake

Then it hit me like a sword in the throat, he did it to himself

But his eyes are so big and beautiful

Why did he do that?

Those eyes of ice

His body was ice

His eyes spoke of sweet passions and dreams

He must have been a hard worker

But I fell in live with those eyes of ice

My heart will forever be frozen in time

His eyes alive

If only by miracle he came back to life

My eyes are locked with his

I always fall in love with something I can't have

Why must my eyes do that?

Kindergarten Alphabet

And now I listen to rock songs

As if I was casting a curse on you, a person who wronged me or was just plain wrong

Beating my

Back with the switch of embarrassment

Counting down from ten turned into

Counting down to when school ended

Destroying potential masterpieces and

Daring to act like my best friend

Examining me

Even to the point of just pure cruelty

Forgetting that we are the

Future

Getting what you wanted you

Gypped me

Happily fed the

Hatred in my heart

I'm still not social and I'm still not great at verbalizing

I clearly learned a lot from staying back

Javelined me with feelings of stupidity and low self esteem you

Justify this because you think it did me good

Knotted my life and slowed me down which

Killed me on the inside with depression

Lengthening my suffering by an extra year and my

Language, once again, has not improved

Motherfucker you

Misunderstood

Nervous because of your harsh, toughness maybe you

Never considered that it was you who was the problem

Ostracized me from my

Own class and best friend

Painful were the years that

Passed but the one spent with you was the most painful

Quivering were my lips, you were the ruling

Queen

Repress my feelings and I hold them inside so that I may move forward instead of staying in the same

Repulsive place where children’s minds are forced into corruption

Suffocation in my Thanksgiving bonnet with a

String under my chin holding in the awkward discomfort

Thinking back on those days with you causes me

Trauma

Underestimated are the soft introverts who are

Usually warm and caring rather than cruel, but now I have

Venom in my

Veins

What made you think that you should be in charge of my fate, while you aged,

Without talking I became stronger in my silence

Xenial from my classmates I so dearly miss and yet

X-rays will not show how much I hurt

You didn’t let me go down fighting,

You tried to sugarcoat my life

Zero in vocabulary you were a

Zealot