List Of My Fictional Crushes

Does he...?

There was a time I got my heart broken by a friend. Not an extremely close friend but a friend nonetheless. The words just came out of my mouth and I ran. We never talked about it but our mutual friend said he didn’t like me like that. So I pretended it never happened and never let him see me cry over him.

I don’t like him like that anymore and haven’t seen him in forever but I wonder if he thinks about that sometimes. Does he regret how things happened? Does he feel bad for breaking my heart? I don’t blame him for it and I know now that he could never have feelings for me but still. I know he cared about me.

Does he even remember? I don’t know if that would be good or bad

Time flies

Where has all the time gone

All my friends are out getting engaged and I’m sitting at home with my dog

At least I’ll get to be a bridesmaid

It’s strange isn’t it. I love being alone but hate being lonely

And all my days are trances, And all my nightly dreams Are where thy grey eye glances, And where thy footstep gleams— In what ethereal dances, By what eternal streams.

Edgar Allan Poe

To One in Paradise

Why I Love Halloween

It’s the one day of the year where you can dress as anything

It’s the one day of the year where you can truly become someone else

it’s the one day of the year where you see other’s creativity and interests

It’s the one day of the year where it’s fun to be scared

And did I mention CANDY!!!!

For oft, when on my couch I lie In vacant or in pensive mood, They flash upon that inward eye Which is the bliss of solitude; And then my heart with pleasure fills, And dances with the daffodils.

William Wordsworth

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud

Doubt

I think everyone underestimates just how bad doubt is. Doubt makes you wonder if your friends even care about you. Doubt makes you wonder if your family is annoyed with you. Doubt makes you think you’re not good enough.

It hurts and the source of all that pain is doubt.

Foolish One

So... I just listened to Taylor Swift's "Foolish One" for the first time today and wow. I felt that she just looked into my life and saw talking directly to me. Like wow...I felt so called out.

That was me a couple of years ago. I was so smitten with this guy like seriously it was bad. But he was a bit of a player and yeah I wasn't the exception. Literally, a couple of months after I finally told my friends about my crush, they all came to tell me bad news and comfort me. They told me he just got a girlfriend and my first thought was "Well it's only going to be a couple of weeks again"

Then I thought "Wow if I'm ever going to date him, I'm going to go through the same thing" Up til that minute in my head I really was going to be his exception. Foolish one right

Sad thing is I tried to stop liking him but every time I tried to distance myself, then he would give me attention. Flirt and get close then my hope ros, then next time I see him he had another girl on his arm. Every time, every time. Foolish one

It was like he liked having me like him but I never would be his exception. I was so foolish and it took me too long to walk away.

It's over now but just hearing that song brought back all those memories.

Crushes

I never used to get a lot of crushes, a few sure but I never really paid attention to people I didn’t really know. But ever since the pandemic started, I’ve been stuck at home all the time, by myself. Now I get crushes all the time. 

The cashier girl telling me my dress is pretty=crush. Random guy at the library=crush. Classmates I know nothing about on Zoom=crush

And the fictional crushes are just as bad! Books, movies, tv shows it doesn’t matter, I’ll meet a character and crush instantly. I’m so starved for human affection that I’m developing all these crushes. My poor bi heart can’t take it!

Oblivious

You ever had the feeling when someone tells you something and it changes the way you thought about something?

Today I visited my grandmother and she asked about a boy I haven’t talked to in a couple of years. She tells me that she thought we would have ended up together because she knew he liked me. She said he always tried to talk to me but I never did. That’s not how I remembered things.

We used to be friendly but I thought he always teased me over everything. He would say things to annoy me but most of the time he just didn’t talk to me as far as I knew. In fact, I thought he didn’t want to be around me. The only thing I could think of that said he might of liked me was when his friend asked me to the dance for him. Actually multiple times over the years, but he always said his friend was joking and he didn’t want to go before I answered.

That’s clear evidence he didn’t like me, right?

She put it in my head though. What if it was true? Am I that oblivious? I watch tv shows all the time and complain how a person can be so oblivious to miss that another character likes them. Am I as bad as that?