Chaos Academia - Blog Posts

disquiet

A piece of me is always missing, Like the last block of lego that I can never seem to find One empty space right in the center of the jigsaw puzzle. I'm not sure if I lost it along the way. I'm not sure if I'm yet to find it. But lately, the gap seems more blatant. I'm anxious that it's visible to the people around me. That when they look at me, they see half a person. It's almost like I'm mimicking a being While I'm on the quest for the missing elements.

Sometimes, everything is wholesome! Golden skies, daisies, moongazing, Dusty libraries where ghosts of dead poets linger, Tight hugs, acts that mean "I'm thinking of you.", I look at my picture with my friends, smiling ear to ear And the jigsaw puzzle is complete. (or it was, then.) Some memories in me are so perfect that, The missing lego piece starts to feel like an extra piece From the table, you're trying to put together. It works fine without it, and there's nowhere to put it.

Then I'm back in my bed, back in my head. And I cannot remember how to be a whole person again I eat chocolate until I'm nauseated Or I never draw the curtains open and let the light flow through. I want to live life to the fullest, I never want to be seen in public again, I want all-consuming love, I want to believe I'm worthy of it, I want to feel complete when I'm alone, I want someone to feel complete with.

I want and I want and I want… Socrates said, (Yes, I went there) "He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have." What about, She who is never content with who she is? What about me?

I wanna make a mistake, why can’t I make a mistake.

Argh! Finally, the season when I feel like a hundred year old vampire is stalking me is coming

co-organizing a poetry reading today

I spend a lot of time just smoking and drinking wine in this window, and It is not even mine.

i love her i love her i love her

i love her i love her i love her

i love her i love her i love her

I think I made her up

paintings from my aunt's walls

Tomorrow will be a long day

second home

Nihilism in the graveyard

my classmate invited me to some gathering with her artistic friends where we would enjoy photos (from some old camera i quess) projected on a balcony wall and drink wine. She herself said that its very pretentious and that is exactly what i am looking for but i am intimidated by the chaotic academia vibe people coming, what should i do?

Back to school

Wine night with my friends. Maybe will organize bacchanal later idk

Secret societies are still the fashion

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott

Finally its getting colder

A man died and left me his books

Watching The Dreamers (2003) directed by Bernardo Bertolucci felt like reading The Secret History by Donna Tart and I honestly couldn't get into detail why but it just felt simalar. I guess Its the dark academia feeling in it but still, both are very good in my opinion

All thirteen-year-old girls deserve(d) better

|The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides|

I think It's a gift that I understand this book, that I feel what the girls in it felt. The book show the tragedy of being a woman through eyes of boys (malegaze) who are trying to understand but only you, if you were in the girls skin at least once, will get.

Yes, I am literary going to give Donna Tart another goddamn chance to shatter my heart and soul and make me feel misserable but at least make me feel something BIG

THOUGHTS ON:

,,THE PICTURE OF DORIAN GRAY"

Yeah, that's it.

It's very gay.

And I enjoyed it.

EXISTENTIAL CRISIS

the weird thing is that I have this head on top of my bookshelf and now she is on the floor? I didn't hear her fell... Hope it was just wind

Maybe It would even look slightly aesthetic if it wasn't taken on android

Is this how you are supposed to store fruit?