Diary Entry - Blog Posts

Day 1 | 16/10/23 | 23:27

Ratings: ¬Dissociation 4/10 ¬Mood 7/10 ¬Motivation 5/10 ¬Energy 4/10 ¬Overall 6/10

Summary: An average day today! Woke up much later than intended, meaning I had a much later bus to catch in order to get home from my partners. Made it back safe, and have spent the day doing creative activities that I was unable to do over the weekend. Didn't have the motivation to do a clean like I wanted to, but settled on taking the bins out at the very least. I cooked a nice meal too (if you count chicken dinosaurs as a nice meal). New hyperfixation of zombie apolocypse, which has me captivated. Overall, it's been a neutral day, but I'm still proud of myself! Side Note: I've been meaning to start this internet journal for months now, so I'm glad I've got around to it now! Whether I'm speaking into a void, or have even the smallest of audience's, I'm happy either way. Until tomorrow, Vio <3

Black and pink dividers I made!! >_<

Reblog and Credits when using! Please ask before posting on resource rentries and NO reposts.

Boost for da bunni blogger? c: @selysie @cwandiy @friliette @unagu @jeanryt @d34thnot3 @seldomstardom @infectedrpd

IT WAS 4 AM WHEN I WAS READING THIS AND IMAGINING THIS DUDE SITTING ON HIS DESK AND WRITING THIS WITH A SAD FACE ALMOST MADE ME CRY AAHH I LOVE HIM SM 😭😭‼️‼️🫶🫶

Edit: DON'T read the tags, i look like im mentally ill.

#016

Dear Diary,

At the moment, Hirotsu @fallingcamelliapetals is not at home, and unfortunately, I have far too much time to think. I've also regrettably turned to the bottle again and am becoming sentimental... how I hate that...

Damn it... everything I've been pushing down is rising up like poison.

Natsume is to blame for everything. He thought it would be a good idea to introduce us. I still remember our first encounter very well. You were so cold... just like always... For some reason, I tried to elicit some emotion from you, but I always failed. And although I generally don't allow myself to feel, I realized after a while that I had been lying to myself. Yes, I had started to develop feelings for you. But by the time I realized that, it was already too late, and you were well on your way to opening your detective agency, while my role as the leader of the Mafia was already sealed.

I really tried to hate you, but in the end, I could never quite succeed, and how I hate seeing you happy, even though I've always wanted nothing but the best for you. But I suppose it was always the realization that I would never be able to have you. Unreachable...

And now I sit here. I finally have the love of my life, and yet... fear of loss is once again consuming me. Allowing myself to feel always makes me insane. As beautiful as it is to close my eyes and slowly be drawn from the grips of love into the sea of emotions, the fear of losing it all is just as terrible... to slowly and surely perish like a fish out of water. Especially after I've learned and discovered things about myself that I didn't even know before... wants and needs I was previously unaware of.

One would think I’m a grown, old man... but in the end, I’m just a love-starved boy, full of fears of being alone...

work out: 40 minute run

food rules: yes

stretching: yes

studying: 3 hours

meditate: nope

⋆₊˚4/10/2024 – DAY 4 journal

The day after my binge fast was suprisingly good, I thought I'll feel sick or something but nah, it was a regular day. I started it by eating a toast with two eggs, i only ate one because i burnt them both and the second one was just.. uhh.. Yeah, then i *sadly* went to school but I'm trying to make school better to myself so i have to be positive about it. Yay! I went to school. The day wasn't bad but my bsf disrespected me and i was mad at her, tho I'm not anymore. I got a good grade form my polish class and a compliment from my russian class teacher. When i went back home i made myself lunch = a salad my mom made (with greek yogurt so extra healthy) and fried chopped sausages. Then I IMMIDIATELY without any rest went to my room and hopped on my treadmil. I ran for 40 minutes, so my work out was done! Then i again, immidiately, started studying. Okay, there was a little break but it was cleaning the kitchen, so it wasn't really a break. I studied for 3 hours straight because I have a math exam today and i didn't know anything, but i do now - yay! Then it was already dark outside and my hair was super greasy so i just took a shower and washed my hair, its sooo soft now. It was already 8PM when i finished so i went back to my room, started working on my subliminal (I didn't finish it, if anyone is intrested then bbabybrooke is the name of my channel!!). I watched some YT videos and just went to sleep 💤

work out: yes

food rules: nope.. absolutely not

stretching: yes

studying: no

meditation: nope

<10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚3/10/2024 – DAY 3 journal

On sundays i have rest days but that day i had a huge binge fest lol, my breakfast was cakes, cakes, cakes, then i snacked on salad and continued to eat only sweets. My break from them was lunch, chuck steak with silesian dumplings. I felt a lil guilty so i did a HIIT workout, i didnt finish it because i felt kinda weak, but i did leg pilates after! I didn't read a book nor did i go out on a walk, so i did only maybe like 200 steps lolllll. I don't feel guilty tho, it's just one day and im not gonna repeat it. Not the end of the world!

WORK OUT: done

FOOD RULES: done

STRETCHING: done

STUDYING: done

MEDITATING: nope.

>10k steps, <2L of water

⋆₊˚2/10/2024 – DAY 2 journal

Im writing this the day, yesterday was really succesful. When i woke up, i immidiately did the first half of my work out. I did my skincare etc. and then played some games, but my parents said we're going shopping. The shopping was suprisingly calm and we joked a lot. I bought myself a salad. After we came back my sis was doing an aesthetic 'breakfast' (at 2PM LOL) for her competition (?), she took a pic of it and let us eat it. It was very yummy but i forgot what it is. Then i started reading Atomic Habits and finished a whole chapter, after that I went on a 10k steps walk and listenned to my history topic (so i was walking and studying, smart). When I came back I finished studying the topic and did the other part of my workout (HIIT). When i finished, it was already dark outside. So i mainly relaxed, ate the salad, and at 10 pm when i was going to sleep my sister came back with her boyfriend and she gave me a box of chicken! ofc i ate it lol.. but she also came back with a lot of cakes.. and my mom told to me to eat some of those. i didnt, but the next day i did (today)🥲

---- 2/10/2024 entry

* Today I downloaded GTA the trilogy!! I'm starting with GTA III and it looks good.

* My sister is changing schools, she's 18 so she can do whatever she wants but my mom is so heartbroken, it's so sad to see her this way.

* I felt an urge to relapse into starving, but I KILLED that urge, murdered, gone !!

* On Monday I'll have swimming classes so i decided to go on a 1200 kcal diet until Monday, I'll do HIIT daily and walk a lot + 16:8. Ik thats kinda unhealthy but i wanna look good quick and i swear ill return to eating normal after monday LOLLL

* I was on a walk with my mom for like an hour and a half, I absolutely love walking with her, and I love her, she's the best <3

* That's it lol, nothing really happenned :') byeee🩷🪽

---- 1/10/2024 entry

* It's finally october, yay! I love fall, it's so cozy and its perfect for staying inside, sleeping, reading or baking. It's also the month where i will start my diet and working out again, since tomorrow ill have a mini treadmill!

* Today was fine, ig. I had two tests at school and got A's from both. After school I slept the whole day. The only thing that makes me kinda mad is that I have two freaking pimples on my forehead, ughhh I hate getting my period.

* Did yall heard about the Diddy situation? I digged so much into it, spent 3 hours straight watching YouTube videos about it that I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Im just so sorry for his victims - he's disgusting and he's gonna rot in hell. I also believe he killed Tupac..

* That's it for today! Ik, pretty boring, but a journal is a journal, so I had to write an entry loll !! Bye angels xx 🩷🪽

That PMDD moment

Hello there

Hey you! Im Ellie. And that’s my first entry!

Yay! Im very motivated! ...probably too motivated. But I'm just so excited right now to share all the thingies of my mind. Yeah... I don't even know what to say. I have so many ideas and things in my head, but I have no words to describe them. -That... makes no sense. Anyway, as I said, I have so many thingies on my list and if I have no idea what i could tell you, then just do what I want spontaneously. I mean - yolo! You onyl live ones, don't you? ; 3 So I'm happy to pour you the chaos of my head out and tell you what's going on in it when I don't say anything. And I can tell you - there is a lot going on! So if you feel like stopping by, you are welcome to do so. I would be happy. Oh! And one last thing - im really sorry for my bad english, so if you'll find some mistakes, please forgive me for them.

Have a great day! Ellie

Random Diary Entry

There are a lot of things I would like to share with people. To explain to people that I like. I’d like to say why am I so scared to coming to close with them, or why I joke about suicide 24/7. I just don’t think that those essays about my idiocity will be appropriate in the situations. I don’t think I’ll ever share something that deep inside me with anyone of them. I don’t want to think I’m weird or to be scared. I want to see smiles on their faces and hear their laugh and I’d like to share something back, but I cannot give anything. Atleast anything nice or funny. Maybe I’m just too bad as a companion, haha.

I would like to share all I want with them, but I’m scared. I don’t want to think I’m weak or broken. Even if I am, there no need for them to know. Sometimes I imagine stuff like that In my head and it never sounds good, huh. Maybe I just miss something important.

Funny how many aspects of my life still feel the same way although multiple years have passed. Guess some things never change.

I woke up at 5 AM in the morning and started planning out my schedule of the day lying on my bed. But the moment I got out of my bed I realized I had already lost 3 hours of my scheduled time. It's 8 o clock !!!

Sleeping woefully to awake and relive it.

You used to wrap your arms around me on nights like this

Whisper in my ear

You tell me none of it is real.

I roll over to an empty bed and colder hands

My knees scrape the ground thinking about you giving someone else the name that was supposed to be mine

I fear you're wrong this time.

I keep the door unlocked in case you change your mind

I wait for your silhouette everynight.

Your reflection, a cradle of false promises.

- A.L

The voices are telling me to go back to the land of sheep, cobblestone houses, beautiful gothic buildings and ginger beer. I do not understand why I am so fixed on England, I just am. I am currently thinking about running there, where-ever in that beautiful country, and leaving the future I have in my state. Maybe for a year but hopefully forever. I can’t think of anything I would like better than being there.

Speed sheep, come back please

I just clocked that tumblr’s like my digital diary

hi my loves, I hope you are well!

My life is a disaster rn

so to put it in order I need to do a lot a things!

starting by cleaning my phone

look, it's a total disaster. I have a lot of pics and apps that I don't use, and other garbage. wish me luck please (╥﹏╥)

My Problem with My Mom

I’m gonna leave for the airport in a few hours but basically I’m going on a tour to europe with some other students from my school and my mother has to micromanage everything. I wanted to enjoy my last hours at home with my animals and she asks me why I’m not stressing and says she’s concerned because I’m not like wtf. Let me enjoy my last hours at home in peace before I go away for 2 weeks. She doesn’t want me to pack anything I want in my carry on either I can’t bring a journal she doesn’t want me bringing my book and I can’t bring the plushie my boyfriend gave me. She sees I’m upset and just tries to fix it by being nice and ignoring my feelings. She does this all the time and just tries to get me to stop crying instead of asking me how I feel and why.

Why I'm No Longer Friends With Lazy Girl

So Lazy girl and I were friends for like 4 years and eventually became best friends. She did help me through some shit but also dragged me into other shit. I always felt insecure around her because she made me feel like the DUFF by pointing out my acne or commenting on the way I dressed. She loved getting attention from guys even if that guy has a girlfriend. Shes the type of girl who will try and compare hand sizes with every guy in class to make herself seem more small and petite. This annoys the shit out of me because I hate girls who will break girl code for a guy’s attention like come on. What made me draw the line is when i mentioned wanting to be more empathetic to people because i don’t wanna become a narcissist and she replies “Yah I can see some signs” WTF. Also definitely not a coincidence that when she picked up weight and I lost she accused me of having anorexia. Whenever we went shopping shes say “Are you getting a small then i should get a size smaller” even though we were really similar in size. She thinks every guy is flirting with her when she wants to talk about sexual thing. What does she fucking expect they’re guys. Honestly i just want her out of my life. I was hoping that by her not writing exams, because she couldn’t handle the pressure, would put some space between us and she can use the time to get back in the game with school. But nope. She’ll just have to deal with the consequences.

That’s enough for todays rant. See you soon. XOXO

Is it just me? I always feel so alone no matter where I am or where I go, I just feel like a stupid burden. Does anyone else feel this way?

Letter #22

I stood at the beginning of the street My childhood home staring back at me Six lanes of heavy traffic between us A house you haven't lived in for years A house I have tried everything to forget Does your ghost still haunt it's walls Or did you find what you were looking for At the end of all those vices you sought An entire lifetime spent dormantly waiting Patient, silent, without cause for thought For a moment I set memories of you aside Absorbing all the fresh window cracks Every old fern I once planted in it's yard How lively those new neon curtains are Screaming eccentricity is a skill The passing of time is one merciless beast Worse for wear, yet it's warmth still sings With a bitter-sweet smile, I close my eyes Content to know the clock will continue It's a different home now, a new story My presence wouldn't fit there anymore And what a wonderful thing that is indeed Farewell, may we never meet again

Date Written: 10th of September, 2023

It was such an odd experience revisiting my old house.

I was simply on my way to a bus stop from my friend's place and entirely forgot what street I was on. I hadn't expected to see it, until I looked up to turn the corner and saw it there just staring back at me. Good memories, bad memories, mostly things I'd like to forget. All of it came back to me at once and it froze me for a moment. I hated life almost every moment I spent there, constantly in and out of psych wards growing up just wishing I didn't have to exist.. And it felt nice viewing it with eyes that no longer fueled themselves off of anguish. It felt really, really nice. My love for the sweet parts of my childhood will remain eternal, but never in a million years would I wish to go back. I like who I am now, I'm doing well and dare I say I almost feel human for once. The distance is home to me now, warm and forgiving. I'm grateful for the road between us.

Letter #20

Let's meet again In another life If not conversely Then to share Silently sweet smiles Polite passing nods Where you don't Look like "you" And I resemble Only simple nothings Let's meet again As different minds Shall our shadows Split into 4s Beyond all connection Where time begins

Date Written: 9th of September, 2023

Letter #19

I tried to find your love At the bottom of my bag But all I found was hairties And receipts of our outings Forgotten about months ago I tried to find your love At the bottom of a liquor bottle But I got lost between regrets And memories of our laughter In a call that no longer exists I tried to find your love At the bottom of your shoes But their spot by my door was empty And the footprints I once followed Now covered in snow, invisible I tried to find your love At the bottom of this denial But deep down I know it's gone And your words have become relics Time didn't stop for us

Date Written: 8th of September, 2023

Letter #18

Strings intertwined cause friction Somehow prized as this winning affliction So eager to tie our own ropes Yet all I can think of are the breaks and bends They're burning the candle from both ends Cascading wax leaks through my fingertips Is a string meant to melt? To dissipate? Sparks without a pulse to accommodate What a reward to be drenched in oil Awaiting the next pretty flicker of flame To set ablaze every notion of it's fame The tale of a red knot tangled

Date Written: 2nd of September, 2023

Letter #16

You tempt and toy with my mind as your playground Never settling, never quenched My emotions are your strings As you move you play melodies You ask me to tell you about all the ways one can be bad I felt my stomach retreat upon it's mention Unassuming expectations for the storm you lit within Rather than words I would show you Slowly, fervently Lacing each second of your intrigue with worship But these requests from your lips I can never accept Saving tongue-tied advances for strangers beds instead Self reflection set a boundary around your sneakers "A line where no love may land" And through tangled heat I know we'd cross it My heart unfit already shivering at your voice so sweet The game you're playing caught all my thoughts off guard Begging me as I remind you of the rules you made My muse your words are cruel Feigned innocence far crueler With each bated breath my morals are in agony Truly you bring out the worst in me

Date Written: 29th of August, 2023

Letter #15

I still think about you some days - Most days. It's been hard not to when the home you made for yourself in my heart was left to ache without any remedy or closure to sooth it. I wonder what you're doing now days, and who you're doing it with. The thought doesn't fuel jealousy through my veins so much as it does a sense of melancholic acceptance, as I know no matter where you found yourself, it wasn't somewhere I belonged. I hope you're going well, that your same bad jokes and unjustified confidence still annoy yet endear you into the lives of everyone you meet. Getting over you has been hard, impossible maybe, I'm unsure. Years in and my journey still isn't over. But, I know I'm glad that you left. Maybe I didn't accept it at the time, but this space has been healthy. You were a good chapter of my life, a fanciful page I needed to turn to feel satisfied by the storyline ahead. The fan favourite, re-read lovingly on special nights where the comfort of slipping into something safe is needed. I still think about you some days, most days, but it's less than I used to and I'm proud of myself for that. I'd like to think if we ever met one another again, it'd be in passing with awkward small talk and half-hearted goodbyes as our only exchanges - because as much as I cherish you still dearly, some things belong in the past as memories. Perfectly and sweetly, with love.

Date Written: 25th of August, 2023

Letter #14

Hands sinking from this intrinsic weightlessness These contradictions spill out of me With every rhythmic throbbing of the arteries As though it were inherently innate to lose reason Reluctancy claimed it's vested right to my chest The thought bringing it all into perpetual deliberation An impending consequential end to touch Like a clock continuously thrust into resetting Hands disheveled, scraping, tired Sinking.

Date Written: 20th of August, 2023

Letter #13

I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I needed something that would keep me sane Same old one with the ultra slim filter, fresh burst blue I guess because somehow it still reminds me of you My mind wanders with each deepened breath Thoughts I'd share, if not for your death Would you be proud of me for just being around? Or wished I had done something more profound? With each swift flick to turn on my lighter I enter a strangers bed for another all-nighter I'd love to talk about him with you some day How this love left me a messy bundle of disarray For now though, all that remains is ash Memories torn, our photos left by the trash I picked up a packet of cigarettes again I wanted to feel like I did when I was ten At least I could talk to you back then

Date Written: 18th of August, 2023

Letter #12

"You deserve better." Cowardness trickling through each word A lie is laced in fickle venom An attempt at some redemption As if you weren't deflecting Off a heart you didn't desire "You deserve better." It did not hurt me because it's untrue It did not hurt me because I wanted you It was accepting what had been left to die When you just couldn't think up an excuse That would make for a better goodbye "You deserve better." How hard did you try to make yourself believe it? Would it have been that hard to admit? I thought with me you'd show your real colour But the choices were grey Turning simple and duller "You deserve better." Did you expect me to shed a tear? Yes, maybe it's true My forwardness might cast a shadow But at least I know how to be more honest Than this a lie on which you insist

Date Written: 13th of August, 2023

Letter #11

I will fade away from your life Just like the petals That have outgrown their bloom Softly, quietly Leaving only gentle traces My dear sunflower Thank you for the light Though my spring cannot last forever Your resounding presence Shall never come to wilt As I return to the earth I hope the breeze is kind I hope it carries me caringly across the sea To a land where soils can nurture The dust that has become me May my stem descend to the ground Away from your gazes Beyond the reach of your touch With only one last apology to be given I fear for me this world was simply too much

Date Written: 14th of August, 2023

Letter #10

You are my apple seed Daily dose of poison Your world promises wellness "It only costs a bite" But beneath the flesh you hide Delicious seeds of cyanide Sweet almond tart delight "What a wonderful morning meal" If only it wasn't for the chemicals You so covertly conseal Such a painless little portion "There's no harm in one or two" I indulge and think no more About what a tiny seed could do But they add up one by four Trickled rain turns pouring fall All because of the innocuous Your hidden apple core

Date Written: 14th of August, 2023