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Sam: I have issues.
Paul: Finally, you admit it! The first step to redemption is accept-
Sam: With you.
Sam: You are the love of my life and I would do anything within reason to make you happy.
Paul: I would be happy if you ate, stayed hydrated and got a reasonable amount of sleep.
Sam: I said within reason, Paul. How about I murder that guy?
Paul: So murder is in reason but proper self care isn't?
Sam: Well, duh. What kind of question is that?
Paul: That's not funny.
Sam: I thought it was funny.
Paul: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.
Paul: Okay, help me, please!
Sam: Got two words for you.
Paul: I bet they won't be helpful.
Sam: Your problem.
Paul: I was right.
Sam: You’re my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Paul: I want you to eat 3 meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Sam: Absolutely not.
Paul: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Sam: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?
Sam: Think you can answer some questions without the usual level of sarcasm?
Paul: If you can ask the questions without the usual level of stupid.
Paul: Where are you going?
Sam: To either get ice cream or commit a felony. I'll decide on the way.
Sam: Paul, you're my best friend.
Paul: Best friend? BEST friend?! Bitch, I'm your only friend.
Paul: I'M THE ONLY ONE CAPABLE OF TOLERATING YOUR DUMB ASS!
Paul: *eating a cinnamon roll*
Sam: Cannibalism.
Paul: *confused chewing noises*
Sam: Life could be worse, Paul.
Paul: Life could be a lot better too!
Sam: FUCK THE CHAIR. PARDON ME FOR MAKING MYSELF COMFORTABLE DURING A SINCERE HEART TO HEART DISCUSSION WITH A DEAR FRIEND IN NEED!
Sam: BUT THE TIME HAS COME FOR ME TO CEASE STRADDLING THIS DEEPLY OFFENSIVE PIECE OF FURNITURE! AWAY WITH YE, FOUR LEGGED TEMPTRESS! DISTRACT US NO MORE WITH THE MOST BASIC AND UTILITARIAN FORM OF COMFORT YOU SUPPLY!
Paul: Sam just threw a tantrum about a chair.
Paul: I just won Sam Tantrum Bingo.
Sam: I desire moisture.
Paul: Please just say "I want water" like a normal person.
Paul : Wait you like me? For my personality?
Sam: I know, I was surprised too.