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Sam: Talk dirty to me, baby~
Paul : The dishes.
Sam: Wh-
Paul : They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.
Paul : I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Sam: *laughs* Book recommendation? I can’t read!
Paul : If I was married to you I would put poison in your coffee.
Sam: If I was married to you I’d drink it.
Sam: Do you know a turtles only weakness?
Paul : No... well, their slowness.
Sam: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.
Sam: Now I have a plan.
Sam: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.
Sam: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Paul : Which one? I can't do both.
Paul : You have any sunscreen?
Sam: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire—
Paul : It's for my marshmallow ya dummy.
*Paul and Sam enter a dive bar*
Paul : Look, I know you’re disappointed but could we at least have a drink.
Sam, in a scuba diving suit: I would like leave, please.
Sam: When I first met you, I did not like you.
Paul : I'm aware of that.
Sam: But then you and I had some time together.
Paul : Uh-huh?
Sam: It did not get better.
Paul : If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT!
Sam: ...
Sam: Are you a masochist or a sadist?
Paul , deadpan: I’m a Taurus.
Paul : No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Sam: Your life?
Paul : I- well yes, but-
Some troubled antagonist: What has the galaxy ever done for you?! Why would you wanna save it?!
Paul : Cause I’m one of the idiots who lives in it!
Sam: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride.
Paul : Actually Sam, it’s salt.
Sam: That’s what I said, sodium chloride.
Paul : Uh Sam, that would be salt.
Paul : *takes salt packer from Sam* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.
*Sam and Paul are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff*
Sam: oh my god, Paul , backwards!
Paul : Really, Sam? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do.
Paul : WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!
Sam: Paul -
Sam: It- it was just an ant-
Sam: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Paul : Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?
Sam, to Paul : How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?
Sam: Do you even know what an amulet is?
Paul : Of course I do! I eat amulets sometimes. I like the ones with cheese and onions!
Sam: Paul , those are omelettes.
Paul : Oh. Then I’ve got nothing.
Sam is crying after a breakup*
Paul : There there, Sam.
Sam, still crying: Thanks, but how did you get into my room?
Paul : Great question—
Paul : I'll offer you some friendly advice-
Sam: I don't want your advice.
Paul : Well, then consider it unfriendly advice.
Sam: I'm going the fight the next person who insults Paul .
Paul : I hate myself.
Sam: Alright, square up.
Paul : Someone’s trying to break in. Call the cops!
Sam: *loads shotgun* I got this.
Paul : Last week you fell up the stairs, what do you mean-
Sam: Paul , you love me, right?
Paul : Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like.
John: A pessimist sees a dark tunnel.
Joseph: An optimist sees light at the end of the tunnel.
Sam: A realist sees a freight train.
Paul : The train driver sees three idiots standing on the tracks.
Sam: LOWERCASE LETTERS ARE FOR THE LOWER CLASS!
John: And here we have a capitalist.
Joseph: Did you just-
Paul : Let us all take a moment to appreciate that all of human history, human language, and the universe itself aligned to make this joke possible.
Sam: My head hurts.
Paul: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.
Paul: Don't break someone's heart, they only have one.
Sam: Break one of their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Paul: Why don’t you go talk to them?
Sam, sarcastically: Oh. Yeah, sure.
Paul: What? So you go tell them they’re cute, what’s the worst that could happen?
Sam: They could hear me.
Paul: Hey Sam, I’ve got an idea for how to solve this.
Sam, pulling out a shotgun: Yeah?
Paul: Wh- No! That’s not the idea, Sam!
Sam: *coughs blood*
Paul: Don't die, Sam!
Sam: Don't tell me what to do!