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Paul: The only thing I'm guilty of is being adorable... ...and also assault with a deadly weapon.
Murderer: Any last words?
Paul: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.
Paul: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.
Paul: I think we can all agree I’m the ten amongst these threes.
Paul: Sometimes, I don’t realize an event was traumatic until I tell it as a funny story and notice everyone is staring at me weird.
Paul, writing in their diary with a glitter gel pen: I'm losing my sense of humanity. Nothing matters. God is dead. There's blood on my hands.
Paul: All of your existences are confusing.
The Squad: How so?
Paul: Your presence is annoying, but the thought of anything bad happening to any of you upsets me.
Paul: Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my actions.
Paul: Hey, quick question. How petty am I allowed to be?
Paul: I am not a lunatic. I have the psychiatric report to prove it. A slender majority of the panel decided in my favour.
Paul: Maybe the true treasure was friendship all along. But I hope not, because I can’t spend friendship on new clothes
Paul: Well you see, the explanation is perfectly simple and scientific. It was because shut up. Shut up is why.
Paul: If I can't cause tiny bits of chaos every day, I think my body will shut down.
Sam: Talk dirty to me, baby~
Paul : The dishes.
Sam: Wh-
Paul : They’ve been there for 4 days and it’s your turn to wash them. You still haven’t cleaned them and I have asked you to do so several times.
Paul : I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation or something.
Sam: *laughs* Book recommendation? I can’t read!
Paul : If I was married to you I would put poison in your coffee.
Sam: If I was married to you I’d drink it.
Sam: Do you know a turtles only weakness?
Paul : No... well, their slowness.
Sam: Their weaknesss is they can't roll over when they are on their backs.
Sam: Now I have a plan.
Sam: If I duct tape two turtles together, they'll be unstoppable.
Sam: Just be yourself. Say something nice.
Paul : Which one? I can't do both.
Paul : You have any sunscreen?
Sam: You can't get a sunburn from a bonfire—
Paul : It's for my marshmallow ya dummy.
*Paul and Sam enter a dive bar*
Paul : Look, I know you’re disappointed but could we at least have a drink.
Sam, in a scuba diving suit: I would like leave, please.
Sam: When I first met you, I did not like you.
Paul : I'm aware of that.
Sam: But then you and I had some time together.
Paul : Uh-huh?
Sam: It did not get better.
Paul : If it pleases the court I would like to say that my opponent is TALKING SHIT!
Sam: ...
Sam: Are you a masochist or a sadist?
Paul , deadpan: I’m a Taurus.
Paul : No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Sam: Your life?
Paul : I- well yes, but-
Some troubled antagonist: What has the galaxy ever done for you?! Why would you wanna save it?!
Paul : Cause I’m one of the idiots who lives in it!
Sam: *holding a salt packet* It’s just a little sodium chloride.
Paul : Actually Sam, it’s salt.
Sam: That’s what I said, sodium chloride.
Paul : Uh Sam, that would be salt.
Paul : *takes salt packer from Sam* This is iodized table salt, which in addition to sodium chloride contains anti-caking agents and potassium iodate, which is added to prevent iodine deficiency. So not only are you being overly pretentious by insisting on using scientific terminology for everyday items, you are factually wrong. Your arrogance is your downfall, you annoying little shit.
*Sam and Paul are in a car teetering on the edge of a cliff*
Sam: oh my god, Paul , backwards!
Paul : Really, Sam? I thought I might go forwards into the river, I thought that would be a fun thing to do.
Paul : WHY DID YOU KILL HIM?! HE COULD HAVE HAD HOPES AND DREAMS, HE COULD HAVE HAD A FAMILY!!!
Sam: Paul -
Sam: It- it was just an ant-
Sam: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos.
Paul : Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?