I Feel So Empty. I Don’t Know If I Can Pretend To Be Positive Or Anything Anymore. I’m So Tired Of

I genuinely have never hated myself more than I do now nothing makes me feel better anymore I am just rotten

I thought things were okay what’s going on why is this happening

I don’t know what I’m gonna do or how to get out I don’t know I’m so scared I think I’m in psychosis just don’t know but I’m in Hell I’m in fucking Hell I’m in purgatory I don’t know what it is but I’ve had so many chances I could’ve died but i wasn’t taken out because he wants me here to make me suffer there’s no other reason I’m alive he’s purposely doing this TK me he’s purposely fucking doing this to me he hates me and I don’t know why I don’t want god to hate me just just want to be a good person but I’m not I don’t know how I could ever make him foggiveme fuck man I’m so terrified itfuckjng makes me so upset I can’t do it I can’t

I don’t know what to do im just so fucking lost

I relapsed and it didn’t fucking do anything of course I’m so tired I want to drill the blade into my disgusting body and just die and bleed out I fucking hate myself and my life I want to die

I’m so fucking sad man why do I have to be like this I can’t take it

I hate myself I hate myself beyond comprehension I genuinely just fucking hate myself I can’t do it I am nothing and nobody anymore

You wonder why I feel unloved you aren’t even responding to my messages why the fuck are you making me being suicidal your problem why are you making it about you fucking bitch you’ve been so fucking rude about everything for a couple days and im fucking sick of it asshole you make me feel sick to my stomach

I can accept that being lovable doesn’t mean everyone will love me. It hurts. That is a normal human emotion. Pain is a normal human emotion, and that is what i’m experiencing. It’s just simply pain and doesn’t define who I am, nor my future, nor anything.

As Hard as this may be, it really is just the first day. I am allowed to struggle and to feel bad. Shit, I had good times. I had really good and fun times! And they made me feel good. But sometimes things aren’t meant to be, and that’s okay. My pain will not last forever. My grieving and mourning will not last forever. I am allowed to feel this because I cared! I loved hard! I truly tried my best, so that’s really all that mattered.

Again, sometimes things aren’t meant to be. Instead of letting this control my life, how about I frame it like this:

She felt like my world but the truth is? She is just another person. She was my person, but now she is not. I was attached to her, and I am revising myself not to be that way anymore. As painful as this may be right now, it’s only temporary. This is just where I’m at right now, but this too shall pass. Time is gonna pass anyways, so why should I just sulk and mourn for someone that really wasn’t good for me? I know that I’m scared, but I’m going to get through this situation scared. Petrified, even.

Now that she’s gone, what can I do freely? I can:

*hang out with my friends as much as I want

*dress however I want and be promiscuous and provocative

*really get focused on my future instead of feeling as if I’m held back

*not focus on social media so much and let it consume me, especially online relationships

I’ve done this many times before. I really thought it was the end of my world! But look at me now—I’ve had ups and downs and unfortunately have found myself in the same place. But guess what? I know what to do. This is only a learned experience. I will continue to learn. It will all be okay even if it doesn’t feel like it. I will live and I will survive.

I miss you so much im sorry that j was the way I was I’d change for you I promise I would please just let me back into your life I love you I miss you I’m sorry