Melissarose47 - Melissa Rose Poetry

I think I realized the ending of my story ten years ago when I sat in my room and cried over a lost soul and was never comforted. When the pain in my body became physical along with mental. When my empathy took control but stepped back at every possible moment. Who's to say we lead our own lives? When twisting bones and shattered minds get treated as though something were right instead of wrong. When doctors don't take a second glance at your pain or your suffering.

Melissa Rose

I think the hardest part is convincing yourself that you are not hungry. 

I just found my favourite part of the not today choreo

Sometimes I twist myself into a little ball of broken bones and tattered hearts and just try to imagine what life would be like if my brain stopped running on this treadmill it cannot get off of. Sometimes I lay so still, I imagine I'm part of the carpet. The ceiling is my companion, the bed my lover. And while my heart beats so rapidly the entire stadium can hear it, my flesh begins to fade away and I am nothing more than a brain and some trembling fingers. If I don't think about it, it is not there. If the monsters in your closet do not rest, then you sleep peacefully because then at least you are not alone. If my dreams are not real, then my nightmares are not real either. If you watch the clock change, then time moves slower. What would you do with those extra minutes?

Melissa Rose

I'm tired of waking up and wondering, "What's gonna hurt today?" I'm tired of them saying, "You're only 22, this shouldn't be happening!" But I am 22. And this is happening. I'm tired of complaining to my friends and having them hear the same sad story every time. I'm tired of being in too much pain or too sick from painkillers to do my job at work. I'm tired of chaining myself every night to a heating pad and ice packs. Soaking in Epsom salts, bathing in lidocaine, surviving in braces and bandages. When you're too tired to work out, too tired to stand up, too tired to keep your eyes open and each and everyday the alarm goes off and you dread being anywhere but your bed because at least there is no pain there. When you decide which brace goes on which knee based on the pain you're feeling and then end up changing it halfway through the day because now the other knee is hurting. When you have to decide which body parts need to be wrapped in tape and which need a hot patch. There is no longer a definition of fun when everyday you fight back tears that shouldn't even be there because "You're 22 and this shouldn't be happening!" But I am 22. And this is happening.

Melissa Rose "Burning Bridges While I'm On Them"

I can contort my body into a thousand positions. But none of them feel the same way I felt when you held me in your arms at night.

Melissa Rose

I binged today and now I feel so gross. I'm so full that I feel sick. 🤢

Today I attempted my very first fast. I made it to 21 hours! I'm very proud of myself! Tomorrow I'll try for the full 24 and progress from there 👍

I am trying to not let the world swallow me whole. Spit me back out again. Leave me scarred and bare. I am trying not to fail at a life I've already failed at. Pick up the pieces after they've already scattered in the water. Ink fading, it's almost illegible now. I have sat and watched the sun set but still feel tired with my sleeping bones. My heart is no longer dark and cold, but is now covered in thorns and cement. I chisel at it everyday, but the blood that covers my hands is too much to bear sometimes. I can feel my spine protruding, my heart anxiously beating, but I still wonder when happiness will come. Will it come when I search for it? When I find it? Or will it come when no one is looking and it moves at free will. I have lost many things, but I'm trying not to do that anymore.

Melissa Rose

I don't think you understand when I say you broke my heart. No, no, no. You took a hammer to my heart and ground it into dust, until the only thing left was for the wind to blow it away. I don't believe in love anymore. There's no truth in that statement. "I loved a boy who didn't love me back" sounds tragic. But "I loved a boy who pretended to love me back" is even worse. Tears were wasted on an empty corpse, walking through the streets, telling me I'm beautiful, that I'm funny, that any guy would be lucky to have me. You say you keep your distance from people, but I think it's more of the fact that you don't want to rely on anyone when you're in trouble. You don't want your heart to hurt when someone dies. You don't want your thoughts to race when you don't know where she is or if she's safe. You'd rather pretend that everything's okay and then wait for the explosion. But while debris is raining down and blood is staining your clothes and the only sounds you hear are screams and the ringing in your ears, you'll still be able to smile. Because you didn't give a fuck about the victim. "Victim? I didn't even know her name..."

Melissa Rose