Not Again

How Things Change

How things change

In a place

Throughout time

I'm uneasy and need to pace

The picket fence

Lost a head

To a softball

The picket fence

Lost a bottom

To a chewing dog

The same picket fence

Has the gate wide open

But no worn grass

The picket fence

Bends and sags

Under weathered, weakness

The picket fence

Has a grapevine

But now it looks dead and sad

The snow,

Back in the day

Would be trampled down by two

The snow

Old as it happens to be

Is untouched

How things change

As they age

And yet

I'm still the same page

A Chip In The Dip

Just another chip lost in the dip

The second half of the broken chip

No one’s favorite

Always picked last

Salty tears I cry                   (cuz I'm a chip lol)

I want to get out of the thick ocean

But I'm stuck

No going back now

Everyone sees me

But they won’t help me

I'm oh so blue

Slowly sinking more and more under

The thunder of the storm grows louder

It surrounds me

I hate the coolness but start to like it

It gives me a false comfort that I like

I like taking a risk in it

Now it has me all the way under

I'm drowning

It hurts less than I expected

I see it getting darker as I sink

But it hypnotizes me

I like sinking

I see everyone else swimming

I like being under it’s like I know a secret that they don’t

They can’t see you because you’re under so far

I have lost most of my salt so I sink yet further

The ocean makes it feel like I'm on top of the world flying

But I'm just the opposite but I don’t care

No one can save me now

But I like that, it makes you feel free of everyone

I wish that one certain person could save me

They think they did one other time but they didn’t

You think I’ll be perfectly fine again, but what if I never was?

I screamed for help once but you didn’t listen as I walked away

I need them

How dare you leave me like this?

I think you owe me an apology yet the world still owes me nothing

You think you cleaned my slate for me but you didn’t

Instead you scratched it up

You think nothing of it

But you don’t know half of it

I just want you to hold me, with your gentle fingers and warm me with the kindhearted words you speak

Sorry I just get scared and lonely just like you

Please heal my stone turned heart

It’s been broken from a young age

Living day to........day, broken

I've almost hit the bottom of the almost infinite ocean

I want to be in the sky

The sky is infinite

I hope you realize that what goes up doesn’t always come back down

Angles started from the ground and they stay in the sky

I want to be there

Save me if you care

I hope you’ll be there forever

Forever not never

Rachel

Those damn ex’s

Leave your brain perplexed

Walks lightly

Thinks brightly

Favorite color is green

Just like a spleen

Understands your weird, random metaphors

Doesn’t waste her time and energy knocking down unnecessary doors

The grand piano player

Has many layers

Some that I’ll probably never get to see

Gave away her key

Seems pretty sophisticated

Good fated

Always saying that everyone has their own fight

Not afraid to spend the night

Looking out for me

Lets my thoughts be

She’s courageous

She’s contagious

You’ll always want her around

Leaves you thinking new thoughts like why don’t you just push off the ground

What are you hiding under there?

Doesn’t take a stupid dare

Goes beyond

Knows about that dirty mucky messed up pond

Promises you that you can fly

Look at those blue eyes

Deep

Proves the secrets that she keeps

Fell and scraped her knee

Got stung by the swarm of stinging bees

But stood

To show life that she could

So smart

She’s off the chart

So much more to learn

In life there are so many places to turn...

My Stupid Castle

And it looks like

This could be the end

Of this perfect palace

This new life

Was so sweet

With beginners luck

The fairy godmother magic

Could only hold out for so long

A kite flying

Then getting pulled back down

By the person who is flying it

At least

I didn’t get stuck

In a tree

My stupid castle

Was not built by a genius

It was built

By this peasant

Who was not destined to be a ruler

I now see myself once again

As not worthy

And I was silly to think I was

Depression

Is trying to kiss me

And sneak into my system

Through my chapped, chewed, cracked lips

I thought that we weren’t dating anymore, just friends

I can only keep

My dreams alive for so long

Before I become too worn down to maintain them

Being whipped

By disappointment

I can feel

Failure

Making its poisonous way back into my blood

I don’t know how to

Make myself clean again,

By sterilizing my depression

With

Hope

A Walk To The Park

Leaves and stones 

Leaves and stones

Leave me alone

Weeds and side walks

Weeds and side walks

I don't want to talk

Sky and trees

Sky and trees

Where are the bees?

Lines and tar

Lines and tar

I'm feeling less than par

Swings and slides

Swings and slides

Up and down like life's tides

Woods and lampposts

Woods and lampposts

I'm starting to turn back into a ghost

Coolness and bare branches

Coolness and bare branches

Trees losing leaves like I'm losing my chances...

The fire is lit

The fire is lit

And I can't help it

What Will Happen?

What will happen when this bird gets out of the cage

Will it sing and fly

Or just sit there and die?

A face full of tears

Yet none of them want to fall

An infant full of years,

Slamming doors

To close off the past

Of the hidden wars

Might as well recreate my kindergarten picture

Of a small person with the world’s tiniest smile

What a mixture

A probable mistake

A theory

Of sour birthday cake

The same will of wanting a way out

Few know what it’s like to be born into the wrong world

I'm an alien trying to find a realistic route

Hands in little fists

Ready to punch a hole in your inflexible plan for me to follow

So many things wrong with that I could make paper flowing lists

I can see my blonde hair back in my face

That I once cut into uneven bangs

Those pictures you try to erase

Like the pictures of my big toothless grin

When I had a badass black eye

My wild heart you can’t win,

With dance recital dresses

This Rockette will not dance anymore

The reason is just as good as your guesses

I'm not your special girl

I'm not anyone’s except my own

And you thinking otherwise makes me want to hurl

What will happen with this girl

When she is free of the nest

Despite her fears and guilty love, will she fly like the rest?

Pure Gold

You mend the cracks

In my weathered roads

With pure gold

You make me feel

Like a pharaoh

Of my world

In this danger

Of a world

you make me feel safe

It seems like you will still love me after anything

You are

The kind of sweet

That doesn’t give you cavities

Too good to be true

Which is why

I physically cannot stop smiling when I’m with you

I’m just a warm blooded oaf

Turned out

To be fools gold

A Meeting

There was no point in making me join my meeting

Because my thoughts were fleeting

Because I'm too fucking anxious to share my voice, please spare me from the madness

I couldn't even share a simple greeting You asked if I had any questions, comments, or if I have anything to say

And I do... but I guess anxiety doesn't want me to talk today

No, not even now

In this month of May The nurse isn't my cup of tea

And I feel that I am allowed no privacy,

This makes me very uncomfortable as a teenage girl and,

Details of my butthole are obviously my favorite topic for stranger to know about me The thing is, if I was dying,

If I was crying

I'd prefer to stay and sit in class rather than go anywhere else

I'm not lying She thinks I'm stable

And yet she's a mere stranger in my life and I probably still have proctitis on my table

I have so much on my plate it has overflowed

But I'll find a way to be able Having a bad stomach and anxiety make a perfect match that work

They are a dangerous loop that lurks,

In my background when I say that I'm okay

Yeah, I am a little jerk I'm still anxious and I don't sleep at night

Because my brain is playing back all the mistakes and times that I wasn't right

And how embarrassing it was, and how I will probably never live it down

And tomorrow will just be another blurred day of living in the fog of this mental, intestinal fight

Burnout

Watts and volts

Nutts and bolts

Do not sit right

With a loss of appetite

Sitting on the pinnacle

And being cynical

Detatched

And mismatched

I feel meek

By drowning with just a slow leak

Just a drop can turn into a flood

Leaving me buried in mud

Everything is out of my league

When I'm drowning in fatigue

Too much asleep

To even weep

I had a shot

But then I forgot

Stillness

Is the only way to cure this illness

In other words, I am having trouble finding the door

Because I don’t want to work on Maggie’s farm anymore

Road Rage From Others

Menacing eyes

Illuminated with anger

Glaring into the mirror

I dare not do what they want

For I would be breaking the law

Evil eyes pushing me onward

Giving me no mercy

They are the lit flame underneath my anxiety

Glowing just so they know that I can see them

They make me say I'm sorry repeatedly to them

As if I don’t have a right to be there

I must look forward

There isn’t anything I can do about those eyes

That tell me to do things

I don’t want to do

I no longer want to go down this soulless road

With machines that don’t have empathy

Sometimes I get lucky though

And one of the eyes starts to wink at me

Then they disappear as they take a turn

The one question I must ask is,

Why so much anger,

Towards a stranger who is trying to stay away from danger?