Frozen

Dream Days

Living my dream days

I thought they were here to stay

I was wrong

They sure didn't last long

I find myself back in a dreadful waiting room

Doctors, doctors, and nurses

I sit waiting while my heart fills with doom

Mothers paying clean their purses

While the air plays the song paradise

Sardonically speaking of the days my friend spent eating white rice

The cold takes me out of my daydream

If only the cold was sweet like ice cream

I get dragged to a building that has a sign with the number, 65

Trying to text my boyfriend

Off of the unknown I do not thrive

Checking my phone over and over again

It's super silent in here

I can't seem to let go of fear

Is the doctor young or old?

Will they fit my up-down turn around mold?

I rerealize that I'm sitting in another drab waiting room

Doctor, doctor and a nurse

I sit here while my heart refills with doom

I see a mother paying out of her purse

Thinking about my dream days

I wish they were here to stay

But alas I was wrong

Too bad they didn't last long

One Summer Night

One summer night

With my brother

Blowing up balloons and letting them fly

Mom came outside

Time to go inside

Time to take a bath

Time to go to bed

No thanks

She says that I haven’t taken a bath in a few days

She also says I have dirt all over my legs,

Like it’s a bad thing

She asks me if I like being dirty

I respond with a yes

I like the feeling of the cracked dry dirt on my legs

Chipping off with time

I ended up taking a bath

And I felt like I had lost some of myself

I was too clean to be me

I guess, I’ll have to start again tomorrow

Buried Deep

Die

Survive

Die

Survive

It's already buried deep down there

I hide it behind a secret glare

"Maybe someday we'll talk"

Could you just take a walk?

Fuck off

Step off

I'm fine

What I'm thinking is all mine

Tell? Never

Whatever

I'm fine I tried to portray

Just go away

Why must you ask every time?

The answer is always going to be no, and that I'm fine

The more you bring it up the more I'm going to think

I don't want to think about it, tears no longer on the brink

It's all over and done

It's buried all the way, just leave it, if you get pushier trust me I'll run

Some relationships I don't want to mend

That hand don't lend

It's been too long

What's wrong?

I'll never tell

It's already buried deep in a well

You've said that you've been there

And everywhere

But you don't know

Just go

You wouldn't get it

But it's already buried in a pit

In your office, pure,

Adrenaline, you'll never know what I endure

In there my mask 

Will always last

I'll never tell, clenched teeth

It's already buried beneath

Just give it up

Because I'll never throw it up

Solid living death

Forever hold my breath

A Chip In The Dip

Just another chip lost in the dip

The second half of the broken chip

No one’s favorite

Always picked last

Salty tears I cry                   (cuz I'm a chip lol)

I want to get out of the thick ocean

But I'm stuck

No going back now

Everyone sees me

But they won’t help me

I'm oh so blue

Slowly sinking more and more under

The thunder of the storm grows louder

It surrounds me

I hate the coolness but start to like it

It gives me a false comfort that I like

I like taking a risk in it

Now it has me all the way under

I'm drowning

It hurts less than I expected

I see it getting darker as I sink

But it hypnotizes me

I like sinking

I see everyone else swimming

I like being under it’s like I know a secret that they don’t

They can’t see you because you’re under so far

I have lost most of my salt so I sink yet further

The ocean makes it feel like I'm on top of the world flying

But I'm just the opposite but I don’t care

No one can save me now

But I like that, it makes you feel free of everyone

I wish that one certain person could save me

They think they did one other time but they didn’t

You think I’ll be perfectly fine again, but what if I never was?

I screamed for help once but you didn’t listen as I walked away

I need them

How dare you leave me like this?

I think you owe me an apology yet the world still owes me nothing

You think you cleaned my slate for me but you didn’t

Instead you scratched it up

You think nothing of it

But you don’t know half of it

I just want you to hold me, with your gentle fingers and warm me with the kindhearted words you speak

Sorry I just get scared and lonely just like you

Please heal my stone turned heart

It’s been broken from a young age

Living day to........day, broken

I've almost hit the bottom of the almost infinite ocean

I want to be in the sky

The sky is infinite

I hope you realize that what goes up doesn’t always come back down

Angles started from the ground and they stay in the sky

I want to be there

Save me if you care

I hope you’ll be there forever

Forever not never

One Way Magic

I live in a world of unfinished poems

Sometimes I lose them

And it hurts

But I suppose there is a beauty in it

In the fact that it was created

Then went missing into the universe

Sometimes I forget that old ways

Can be the best ways

There is beauty in lost things

Beauty in destruction

How things are created

Then just cease to exist

Like a one way magic trick

Now you see it,

Now you don't

And you shall

Never see it

Again

But the universe will move on

And there will be more days

And more things will be created

Solitary Confinement

It felt like solitary confinement

They have my finger print

All the windows had a tint

It was hard to see

Anything but all the problems wrong with me

Drowning in the unknowing sea

Been here so long I’ve got belly button lint

Can they take the silence as a hint?

May I have a breath mint?

Outside I can hear them talking

The secrets are shocking

That door I’m locking

The things I hide

Behind some deceptive lies

My heart dies

Inside here I have no control

Maybe he is secretly the troll

Trapped is my soul

My body is so tense

Just hop the fence

It sounds like I don’t make sense

Inside I’m dead

Heavy as lead

I don’t look fed

I wonder what they are saying

In here I’m slowly but surely decaying

The video cameras revealing everything, replaying

Somehow they forgot me

I long to be free

The new, changed world, I want to see

When is the last time I saw the bright shooting stars?

As I try to imagine mars,

Through the cold, rusty, thick, medal bars

At somebody getting in their car

I wonder what their life is like

Strike, strike,

Strike

I’ll get though this

No one has ever truly been here for me, there is no one I miss

No one is one the list

My only friend in here is a flickering light

I’m not done with this fight!

Will I be forced to stay another scary, rough night?

However this room is also bliss

As I reminisce

At least I’m finally away from the battles, the silence is a gentle kiss

In The Eye Of The Storm

I'm in the eye of the storm

It’s a nice break but I know it’s not over

The forecast shows another month of hell

In my brain that might not go over very well

It could become deformed

Rain will grow a green four leaf clover

Clear blue skies

And because of them, sometimes my heart dies

I don’t know the next time I’ll meet the sun again

I don’t care how long the storm is, I'm not going to stop

The odds I have to beat

It’s not easy at all stuck in the heat

The whispers of wind from way back when,

My jaw didn’t pop

When I could think freely without stress

Back when I didn’t know what made a mess

But it wasn’t great back then either

When my future comes I have to keep in mind that I can’t control what others think

Let them think whatever the hell they want

Let us be stupidly nonchalant

Dark clouds and rainstorms neither

Are the things that make you stink

Don’t believe in staying inside on rainy days

I don’t need the sun’s praise

I feel anxious for what my future could hold

I have grit

How will I make it much longer?

How much farther do I have to go?

I want to see books getting sold

Between a rock and a hard place I do not want to sit

I'm in the eye

And that gives me some time to think

This Place Is Whole

This place is whole

There are no sink holes to worry about

There’s a whole lot of good

And a whole lot of bad

A whole lot of heartache

And a whole lot of love to heal in

I'm whole in my imperfectness

And I'm whole in all of my mistakes

I will try to always be my whole self

There’s a whole lot of Eddie

And if he ever has a football, I will always be ready,

With a whole lot of this

And a whole lot of that

A whole place

To just be

To just exist

And be okay with just that

All’s Not Lost

All's not lost

Until I have lost my mind

Now I will write

Into the night As if I am some sort of time lord

I will write

Until I feel alright

A poet’s tailbone

Is where they keep their tales

My tailbone is tired

I shall steal my sleep

From tomorrow

I am a true night time poet

With dry, tangled hair

Who knows where I’ll be able to take myself

Some is lost

And I'll admit that I fucked up

But I can almost trust

That this shall continue

I shall continue on this journey

That is full of losing

And gaining

Wholeness

I feel comfortable right now

In this moment

I’m warm

I’m tired

I’m not freaking out

I feel like a little kid in this state of innocence

But this moment has just been ruined by my colon

In other words

I have to poop

Fucking mother nature

You must be laughing at me

But since tomorrow is my birthday

I suppose I should let you have a laugh

But please be careful

With your volcanoes

And your avalanches

But thank you for this moment

Full of my favorite things,

Music,

Warmth,

Fuzzy blanket,

Yarn,

Silly conversations with friends,

A head of ideas,

And lastly,

A feeling of completeness

Or wholeness