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"I feel saturated and.. I'm just sick of everything"
"Don't you think it's the right time for you to stop all of this" Hanbin asked in a serious tone and I looked up at him; clueless "You're destroying your own self as every second passes by. Just put an end to it. Who cares how you look or what you do? You're just you. Why would they judge you for being yourself? What is it that they have more than you that makes you think they're better? They're just them too. Not more not less. I think you're more jealous of the fact they manage to be themselves" he added in a matter of fact tone and I couldn't say that he wasn't right. "Because everyone's naturally cool, and then there is me, pretending to. All of them out there are pretty, cute, smart, perfect without even trying. And I'm just... I just want to experience that at least once" I didn't know what was it, but something made me spill everything in front of Hanbin. it's like he had some key to make me admit everything without feeling burdened or uncomfortable. "experience what" Hanbin asked, and I felt like he was trying to get something particular out of my mouth "being satisfied with myself for just one day" I replied honestly, avoiding looking at him in the eyes because his gaze was seriously tempting. Almost terrifying. As if he was warning me not to dare and lie to him. And I didn't. "what is your image of satisfying then" he insisted and I stayed quiet. This took me off guard. And I almost slapped myself after realizing I never really thought of this. "see? You don't even have an answer. You know why?" Hanbin sighed and I bit my lip, it felt more like he was scolding me, "look idiot, you might not believe me but I don't care. All of these girls you're claiming to be pretty and smart and other stuff I can't process, all of them, are envious of you for having these, all of them rant all day long about how nice your sense of fashion is whatsoever... and it becomes annoying sometimes honestly because I have no interest in all of this" he admitted "How do you even know" I grumbled, come on, he wasn't going to be this lame, was he? "Ahem, you're talking to Kim Hanbin here" He simply reasoned, as if his name was sort of FBI or some trusted source. But it made some sense since he was always around girls, and some even share their gossips with him. I sighed. "Some people just grow to be a contradiction of what they want to be. They become perfectionists. And their image of perfect is anyone else but them" "--And they end up suiciding or overtaking pills due to low self esteem" Hanbin interrupted. I looked at him and we locked eyes. "Bet you don't want to end up like this" I looked away. I wasn't going to end up like this. I totally wasn't. I was mentally capable enough not to harm myself. Hanbin was just bullshitting about the stories bandied about in newspapers. "Think about this" he finally said before he got up and left. - Days passed and I never talked to Hanbin after that, but his words were still stuck in my head. I kept thinking of all of what he said and it was quite uncomfortable. Because the more I thought of it the more I believed he was mentally unstable. Yet deep down inside a part of me knew he was right. And as much as I tried to deny it, I needed Hanbin's help, whatever it was. and that is how I found myself sitting on my desk waiting for everyone to get out to talk to Hanbin. When I was sure no one was inside the classroom except a sleeping Hanbin -which I didn't care about- I rolled my eyes once more at whatever stupid act I was about to do and marched my way towards his desk in the far end of the room. "Yah" I hesitantly called "Hmm.." was all what I got from the boy, he didn't even move a muscle. Tsk. I cursed under my breathe. As if this wasn't already hard enough. Frustrated I directed a kick towards his tibia and he jumped up from his seat, his head perked up to see who was it. Groaning in pain or more like whining like a toddler Hanbin put his head back on his desk, eyes closed. "Yah I need to talk to you" I said in restraint tone, hoping he'd notice my existence fully this time. "Just five more minutes.." Hanbin almost begged and I tried my best keeping in the back of my head how cute he sounded and how much I wanted to squeeze his puffed cheeks and--- okay. "Just five more minutes and I'd be halfway home" "Then just one.." he grumbled again and I rolled my eyes, he sure was in a whole other world. 4:34PM my phone indicated, "there, your minute passed" I informed Hanbin and he finally opened his holy graced eyes and lazily got up and leaned on his chair "What makes you wake me up this cruelly" a sleepy Hanbin murmured as he rubbed his eye "classes are done and you had to wake up anyways don't make me the bad guy here" I stated "Whatever, what do you want, and why are you talking to me in class" Hanbin questioned in full puzzlement and I realized we had never talked in class. It was like we were strangers when both of us stepped in. And I was weirdly glad he still treated me the same way, because I didn't want any of my classmates questioning shit. "Because no one is here, idiot. Look, I-I.. I have something to tell you" yes Hajin, what would you like to do else to make it sound more like a confession? Blush? Check. "What is it" Hanbin replied, more awake now "About what you said the other day. I was wondering if you... would you--" I halted as I heard someone opening the door wider and getting in. It was Byungjoo. And he eyed us both weirdly. Awkward. "What is happening here" Byungjoo asked, his tone curious and scary at the same time as he looked between me and Hanbin. "Nothing" I smiled up to him, "Don't forget to get your essay done by tomorrow Kim Hanbin, huh?" I randomly bluffed to Hanbin to make sure Byungjoo wasn't the least suspicious. Because as class president I had the authority to remind students of their homework, exam dates, and other boring stuff. "Let's go" I told Byungjoo and we both exited the room, with me ignoring the fact that Hanbin's gaze was digging holes against my back.
#9
#1 #2 #3 #4
It was a nice day. It was one of those autumn days that are exceptionally less chilly. The sun would occasionally pay the sky a visit and it was kind of warm. Well, that’s what someone would think. But personally, I found it a bad day. A horrible day. Isn’t everyday horrible anyways? Life itself is horrible. But I didn’t mind as long as I was able to deal with its crap. I wouldn’t mind a tornado or a tsunami taking me away though just saying. I was walking to school again with ByungJoo as usual. He Stayed a bit with me in the classroom before the math teacher entered and he had to go. lesson started, and I was honestly in no mood for math. The lesson was about Spacial Geometry. It was ridiculous. And I was more than sick of my teacher being busy shushing everyone more than actually progressing in the lesson. “Okay now attention!!” She said as she stood up, after giving us five minutes to try on a task, which everyone was apparently ignoring and was chatting with their friends. “Everyone look here! Soojung, pay attention, Jaebum put that phone down- Hanbin what are you looking a—” the teacher stopped talking and my head shot up from writing as soon as I heard Hanbin’s name. I turned to him and he gave the teacher an innocent look before looking down. I looked at my teacher and a playful smile was on her face as she stared between me and Hanbin and in no time everyone was looking at me “Huh?” I quietly muttered, I was too immersed in solving the task that I didn’t know what was happening “Hajin, be careful huh” my teacher said with the same playful smile and I glanced at Hanbin and he was still looking down, a small smile that ressembled more of a -awkward- smirk on his face this time. Was he looking at me? I looked down at my notebook again expressionless, I just hoped I wasn’t blushing so I’d look like I showed no emotion to what just happened. Its not like this never happened before. I’ve noticed him looking at me more than twice. I think I’ve mentioned that. But from what I know about Hanbin he wasn’t the type to let off his guard, let alone the teacher noticing him. He sure interacted a lot with girls. It was always the cool side of him, but never the affectionate. Why was he staring at me like this? Is he that bothered by the fact that I am not all over him? Did he need to talk to me? Was he just spacing out? (Since the lesson is about space, get it?) And that’s how and for the morning period, my mind was filled of thoughts about Hanbin, Hanbin, and more Hanbin. Mondays have always got on my nerves since I had a full day, let alone my Philosophy teacher and her weird annoying rules she suddenly makes up basically to make us hate her even more. And so, by noon, I was on the verge of chopping the head of anyone who touched me. “Hajin, hold up I need to talk to you” my Literature teacher told me as the bell rang and everyone was hollering out of class *ugh what now* I thought as I went up to her desk “Whats wrong with you? Your test answers disappointed me” she started and I almost made a face “And you went out early. I thought you encountered the topic before and answered fast, but I didn’t like your answers at all” she added “Its just not of me to think twice when answering” I replied quietly, I was seriously in no mood that day, let alone that literature was never my thing “Were you sick?” “… kind of” I muttered “I assume this won’t happen next time” she said as she got up from her chair and went out “It won’t, ma'am” I whispered as I bowed at her and huffed as soon as she was out of my sight “Wow calm down there your Highness” Byungjoo said as he saw me furiously stuffing my belongings in my backpack. “Piss off Byungjoo” I hissed as I made my way to the rooftop. I could feel him following behind me as I walked up the stairs. Byungjoo just never knew how to leave me alone. “What happened?” He asked, keeping a safe distance between us as I sat on my usual spot “None of your business” I hissed hoping he’d get the message that I’m not welcoming any company. I wanted to be alone. I needed time for myself. All the pressure around me was frustrating and I wanted to run away from it. Everyone was expecting the best from me. I was a goddamned human too. Why wouldn’t they expect others to do excellent too? Why wouldn’t they expect others to be responsible and hard working too? Why were they all almost depending on me? Wasn’t I allowed to wrong? Many similar thoughts lingered around my head and by the time, tears were Streaming down my cheeks.
It was all so frustrating. I wanted to run away from all these ideas. I wanted somewhere to escape to and find peace. Somewhere where I can feel safe. And where no one can hurt me. And I immediately found that somewhere as Byungjoo’s arms wrapped securely around me. He pulled me close quietly as his body radiated heat against my freezing one. Byungjoo just stayed there, silent, rubbing circles with his thumb against my right shoulder blade.
I liked it in his arms. It felt warm and secure. And for a second, I remembered that it wasn’t only Hanbin that mattered in my life. It was Byungjoo. Byungjoo had always been there for me. Whether I was in a surprisingly good mood or my usual dull attitude. He never really complained when I was cold to him. He knew me too well to. He knew too well that in the end, I’ll end up crying in his arms, where he comforts me and tells me everything will be alright and that I’m stronger than any obstacle.
I ducked my head deeper in his chest as I effortlessly leaned against him, sobbing quietly.
“I’m tired Byungjoo. I’m tired of all of this. I just can’t anymore. It’s too much” I muttered between my sobs, and if it was someone else they wouldn’t get any of what I said. I mean let’s be logical, what I said didn’t make any sense. It was damn blurry yet I knew that even if he didn’t show it, Byungjoo knew what I meant. He knew that the world scared me. He knew I was insecure. The only thing he was oblivious of was Hanbin. And at some point of that moment, Hanbin was the last thing I could think of, after he was the only thing filling my head this morning. Byungjoo whispered comforting words soothingly against my hair, leading my sobs to tone down. I finally circled my arms around his waist and was ready to stay like this forever. Because at that moment, I wasn’t feeling alone anymore.
And nothing really mattered more than that.
#6