Your personal Tumblr library awaits
#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6 #7
"I feel saturated and.. I'm just sick of everything"
"Don't you think it's the right time for you to stop all of this" Hanbin asked in a serious tone and I looked up at him; clueless "You're destroying your own self as every second passes by. Just put an end to it. Who cares how you look or what you do? You're just you. Why would they judge you for being yourself? What is it that they have more than you that makes you think they're better? They're just them too. Not more not less. I think you're more jealous of the fact they manage to be themselves" he added in a matter of fact tone and I couldn't say that he wasn't right. "Because everyone's naturally cool, and then there is me, pretending to. All of them out there are pretty, cute, smart, perfect without even trying. And I'm just... I just want to experience that at least once" I didn't know what was it, but something made me spill everything in front of Hanbin. it's like he had some key to make me admit everything without feeling burdened or uncomfortable. "experience what" Hanbin asked, and I felt like he was trying to get something particular out of my mouth "being satisfied with myself for just one day" I replied honestly, avoiding looking at him in the eyes because his gaze was seriously tempting. Almost terrifying. As if he was warning me not to dare and lie to him. And I didn't. "what is your image of satisfying then" he insisted and I stayed quiet. This took me off guard. And I almost slapped myself after realizing I never really thought of this. "see? You don't even have an answer. You know why?" Hanbin sighed and I bit my lip, it felt more like he was scolding me, "look idiot, you might not believe me but I don't care. All of these girls you're claiming to be pretty and smart and other stuff I can't process, all of them, are envious of you for having these, all of them rant all day long about how nice your sense of fashion is whatsoever... and it becomes annoying sometimes honestly because I have no interest in all of this" he admitted "How do you even know" I grumbled, come on, he wasn't going to be this lame, was he? "Ahem, you're talking to Kim Hanbin here" He simply reasoned, as if his name was sort of FBI or some trusted source. But it made some sense since he was always around girls, and some even share their gossips with him. I sighed. "Some people just grow to be a contradiction of what they want to be. They become perfectionists. And their image of perfect is anyone else but them" "--And they end up suiciding or overtaking pills due to low self esteem" Hanbin interrupted. I looked at him and we locked eyes. "Bet you don't want to end up like this" I looked away. I wasn't going to end up like this. I totally wasn't. I was mentally capable enough not to harm myself. Hanbin was just bullshitting about the stories bandied about in newspapers. "Think about this" he finally said before he got up and left. - Days passed and I never talked to Hanbin after that, but his words were still stuck in my head. I kept thinking of all of what he said and it was quite uncomfortable. Because the more I thought of it the more I believed he was mentally unstable. Yet deep down inside a part of me knew he was right. And as much as I tried to deny it, I needed Hanbin's help, whatever it was. and that is how I found myself sitting on my desk waiting for everyone to get out to talk to Hanbin. When I was sure no one was inside the classroom except a sleeping Hanbin -which I didn't care about- I rolled my eyes once more at whatever stupid act I was about to do and marched my way towards his desk in the far end of the room. "Yah" I hesitantly called "Hmm.." was all what I got from the boy, he didn't even move a muscle. Tsk. I cursed under my breathe. As if this wasn't already hard enough. Frustrated I directed a kick towards his tibia and he jumped up from his seat, his head perked up to see who was it. Groaning in pain or more like whining like a toddler Hanbin put his head back on his desk, eyes closed. "Yah I need to talk to you" I said in restraint tone, hoping he'd notice my existence fully this time. "Just five more minutes.." Hanbin almost begged and I tried my best keeping in the back of my head how cute he sounded and how much I wanted to squeeze his puffed cheeks and--- okay. "Just five more minutes and I'd be halfway home" "Then just one.." he grumbled again and I rolled my eyes, he sure was in a whole other world. 4:34PM my phone indicated, "there, your minute passed" I informed Hanbin and he finally opened his holy graced eyes and lazily got up and leaned on his chair "What makes you wake me up this cruelly" a sleepy Hanbin murmured as he rubbed his eye "classes are done and you had to wake up anyways don't make me the bad guy here" I stated "Whatever, what do you want, and why are you talking to me in class" Hanbin questioned in full puzzlement and I realized we had never talked in class. It was like we were strangers when both of us stepped in. And I was weirdly glad he still treated me the same way, because I didn't want any of my classmates questioning shit. "Because no one is here, idiot. Look, I-I.. I have something to tell you" yes Hajin, what would you like to do else to make it sound more like a confession? Blush? Check. "What is it" Hanbin replied, more awake now "About what you said the other day. I was wondering if you... would you--" I halted as I heard someone opening the door wider and getting in. It was Byungjoo. And he eyed us both weirdly. Awkward. "What is happening here" Byungjoo asked, his tone curious and scary at the same time as he looked between me and Hanbin. "Nothing" I smiled up to him, "Don't forget to get your essay done by tomorrow Kim Hanbin, huh?" I randomly bluffed to Hanbin to make sure Byungjoo wasn't the least suspicious. Because as class president I had the authority to remind students of their homework, exam dates, and other boring stuff. "Let's go" I told Byungjoo and we both exited the room, with me ignoring the fact that Hanbin's gaze was digging holes against my back.
#9
#1 #2 #3 #4 #5
“Its okay, cry” Byungjoo almost whispered above my head “it’s okay to let out from time to time” he added I honestly had no idea how long have we been standing like this, but I couldn’t care less. It felt really good to cry against Byungjoo as his hand soothingly caressed my back in silence. I had tried to form a coherent sentence several times but ended up giving up as my sobs and hiccups took over and my brain was a whole mess. Gradually, my sobs silenced as I had enough from crying; I felt like my whole body drained and my head would explode at any moment then. The bell had rung a few moments ago but I couldn’t care less, I had History class and even when our teacher was good I was in no state to assist. After a few moments, Byungjoo detached his arms from me and ruffled my hair “Go home now okay? You need to rest and everything will be alright” he softly whispered, “I need to go now, my math teacher will skin me if I arrive later than this” he added and unwillingly stepped backwards. “Take care” Byungjoo finally said and left the rooftop. It felt good crying after all, I felt like I let out a bit. I had too much kept in, and it felt better to let out some. and as much as I wanted to pass out from the massive headache, I decided to stay more in the rooftop. The cold weather helped cool down my burning head, plus I couldn’t just go down the halls with this mess of a face. just as I started appreciating the silence and loneliness again, I could see a figure from the corner of my eye; a figure that soon halted his steps as he looked taken aback at what seemed to be my face, a figure that I immediately recognized. “Get out” I coldly muttered. This wasn’t the time for Kim Hanbin. This just wasn’t. “Whats wrong, hey don’t cry” hanbin said, almost sounding worried as his right thumb ran smooth against my red cheek attempting to wipe the remaining tears I had on my face. And as much as I would’ve appreciated his touch if I was in a good mood, it felt more than bothering at that moment that I found myself pushing his arm away, no eye contact made. I could feel Hanbin staring down at me for a moment before he awkwardly put his hand back in his pocket and sat next to me. “Bother to tell me what happened?” He asked again after some time “No” I simply replied, tone as cold as earlier. He just needed to leave. I was having a good time alone. Did he have to interrupt it “It’s not of you to ditch History. I mean, I was ditching that too but had other plans before I went past the classroom and didn’t see you there” Hanbin started again, he sounded too awkward and desperate to start a conversation which left me wondering why the heck did he even come to talk to me. “Why” I replied shortly again “Don’t I have the right to worry” Hanbin chuckled and said “No” I answered, finally looking at him after noticing his weird gaze towards me, “what are you looking at?” I confusedly asked “Are you even hearing yourself? You’re looking like a beaten squirrel, ditching classes, answering what I say with a single word or silence and tell me I don’t have the right to worry?” “BECAUSE NO ONE ASKED YOU TO” I finally snapped. Loudly. Holy shit I messed up. I fucking messed up. But guess what? I couldn’t care less. “Stop acting like you know me or anything!!” I added and I honestly think this is the first time I had spoken this loud to anyone. Well at least as far as I remember. “I told you to get out earlier” I said again, sounding more restrained “Alright.. ” Hanbin finally spoke up after staying quiet for a moment, and I would be lying if I said his tone didn’t frighten me. “I see then. But just saying, I won’t be leaving till you’re feeling better” he added, looking nowhere but at the ceiling and I almost snarled, fishing out my earphones out of my pocket and plugging them on. - I had no idea how much time passed and how long have I been staying here, around eight replays of my favorite song. But one thing was sure and it’s that Kim Hanbin was still sitting there. I slightly turned his way, giving him an aren’t-you-giving-up look when we locked eyes, to which he replied with a small childish smile and I rolled my eyes, looking away. What a kid. a few moments later and I got used to ignoring Hanbin’s existence, and he was nice for staying quiet which helped in so. I was totally sad, pissed, frustrated, I didn’t know what was it but I sure as hell wasn’t in a good mood, and I didn’t know why. I relieved stress with Byungjoo’s help, why was I still like this? Maybe I just need time to be alone then reboot. “Maybe you just need to play this” okay, did I just say that out loud? Because Hanbin was back to sticking to me again and this time, he extended his hand, showing me his phone. I glanced at the screen trying my best to ignore the fact that he was way too close to me that I could hear his excited breathing. It was a weird game full of colors, and there was this little white round bouncy thing in the middle of the screen, its numerous arms kept swirling around, it even had a face. I snickered “What’s this” I said and it didn’t even sound like a question, I was way too done with Kim Hanbin for having this sort of ridiculous game in his phone. “Just play alright, the instructions are in the screen” he urged and put the device between my hands “W-what are you doing” I said and almost hit myself for stuttering, but he just casually touched me so suddenly and I really wasn’t ready for it, I ducked my head down and pretended to be immersed in whatever was displayed in his phone. it was a weird game indeed, you had to move that bouncy thing by pressing left and right and dodge some black creepy round things which I guessed were evil by the way they were drawn. And in a matter of seconds I got so concentrated on the game as I got a hold of how it went. It was rather fun after all. “You’re doing well” Hanbin commented after watching me play for some time, sounding rather impressed “look, I died, happy now?” I made a face at him as my creature hit an evil one and died Hanbin extended his hand to retrieve his phone but I was quicker and yanked it away “Wait, I want to play more” I almost whined, as I tapped the Play button again “This thing is way too cute” I said between my chuckles as the white ball was so squishy and adorable, and as much as I was concentrated on the game, I didn’t fail to notice Hanbin actually creeping at me and not staring at the screen, and I honestly felt hella uncomfortable considering the fact that he was already too close. “Yay highscore!” I cheered as I made a new highscore in the game, satisfied by the fact that I scored better than him “Tell me the name of this game I’ll download it” I asked Hanbin as I handed him back his phone “You wish, I’ll only let you play it in my phone” he snapped and placed the device back in his pocket “Why? So you’d brag about MY scores to your friends?” I frowned “No, so I’d watch you fangirling ridiculously at it, you should’ve seen your face” hanbin simply answered and stood up. I bit the inner of my mouth as I averted his gaze, feeling blood rush up to my cheeks.
“Get up, you shouldn’t stay here more” he added and I did as told, Hanbin was right, it was getting cloder and the rooftop wasn’t really the best place to stay in. I followed behind Hanbin downstairs, making sure to keep a safe distance from him. - This had been in my notes for like a month and I was lazy to post it, it actually didn’t end up the way I wanted but well.
#7