Her

"THATS NOT IT" I gasp dramatically as I put down my mechanical pencil and grab another one

L.I.E: Love is Exacting #5

#1 #2 #3 #4

It was a nice day. It was one of those autumn days that are exceptionally less chilly. The sun would occasionally pay the sky a visit and it was kind of warm. Well, that’s what someone would think. But personally, I found it a bad day. A horrible day. Isn’t everyday horrible anyways? Life itself is horrible. But I didn’t mind as long as I was able to deal with its crap. I wouldn’t mind a tornado or a tsunami taking me away though just saying. I was walking to school again with ByungJoo as usual. He Stayed a bit with me in the classroom before the math teacher entered and he had to go. lesson started, and I was honestly in no mood for math. The lesson was about Spacial Geometry. It was ridiculous. And I was more than sick of my teacher being busy shushing everyone more than actually progressing in the lesson. “Okay now attention!!” She said as she stood up, after giving us five minutes to try on a task, which everyone was apparently ignoring and was chatting with their friends. “Everyone look here! Soojung, pay attention, Jaebum put that phone down- Hanbin what are you looking a—” the teacher stopped talking and my head shot up from writing as soon as I heard Hanbin’s name. I turned to him and he gave the teacher an innocent look before looking down. I looked at my teacher and a playful smile was on her face as she stared between me and Hanbin and in no time everyone was looking at me “Huh?” I quietly muttered, I was too immersed in solving the task that I didn’t know what was happening “Hajin, be careful huh” my teacher said with the same playful smile and I glanced at Hanbin and he was still looking down, a small smile that ressembled more of a -awkward- smirk on his face this time. Was he looking at me? I looked down at my notebook again expressionless, I just hoped I wasn’t blushing so I’d look like I showed no emotion to what just happened. Its not like this never happened before. I’ve noticed him looking at me more than twice. I think I’ve mentioned that. But from what I know about Hanbin he wasn’t the type to let off his guard, let alone the teacher noticing him. He sure interacted a lot with girls. It was always the cool side of him, but never the affectionate. Why was he staring at me like this? Is he that bothered by the fact that I am not all over him? Did he need to talk to me? Was he just spacing out? (Since the lesson is about space, get it?) And that’s how and for the morning period, my mind was filled of thoughts about Hanbin, Hanbin, and more Hanbin. Mondays have always got on my nerves since I had a full day, let alone my Philosophy teacher and her weird annoying rules she suddenly makes up basically to make us hate her even more. And so, by noon, I was on the verge of chopping the head of anyone who touched me. “Hajin, hold up I need to talk to you” my Literature teacher told me as the bell rang and everyone was hollering out of class *ugh what now* I thought as I went up to her desk “Whats wrong with you? Your test answers disappointed me” she started and I almost made a face “And you went out early. I thought you encountered the topic before and answered fast, but I didn’t like your answers at all” she added “Its just not of me to think twice when answering” I replied quietly, I was seriously in no mood that day, let alone that literature was never my thing “Were you sick?” “… kind of” I muttered “I assume this won’t happen next time” she said as she got up from her chair and went out “It won’t, ma'am” I whispered as I bowed at her and huffed as soon as she was out of my sight “Wow calm down there your Highness” Byungjoo said as he saw me furiously stuffing my belongings in my backpack. “Piss off Byungjoo” I hissed as I made my way to the rooftop. I could feel him following behind me as I walked up the stairs. Byungjoo just never knew how to leave me alone. “What happened?” He asked, keeping a safe distance between us as I sat on my usual spot “None of your business” I hissed hoping he’d get the message that I’m not welcoming any company. I wanted to be alone. I needed time for myself. All the pressure around me was frustrating and I wanted to run away from it. Everyone was expecting the best from me. I was a goddamned human too. Why wouldn’t they expect others to do excellent too? Why wouldn’t they expect others to be responsible and hard working too? Why were they all almost depending on me? Wasn’t I allowed to wrong? Many similar thoughts lingered around my head and by the time, tears were Streaming down my cheeks. 

It was all so frustrating. I wanted to run away from all these ideas. I wanted somewhere to escape to and find peace. Somewhere where I can feel safe. And where no one can hurt me. And I immediately found that somewhere as Byungjoo’s arms wrapped securely around me. He pulled me close quietly as his body radiated heat against my freezing one. Byungjoo just stayed there, silent, rubbing circles with his thumb against my right shoulder blade. 

I liked it in his arms. It felt warm and secure. And for a second, I remembered that it wasn’t only Hanbin that mattered in my life. It was Byungjoo. Byungjoo had always been there for me. Whether I was in a surprisingly good mood or my usual dull attitude. He never really complained when I was cold to him. He knew me too well to. He knew too well that in the end, I’ll end up crying in his arms, where he comforts me and tells me everything will be alright and that I’m stronger than any obstacle. 

I ducked my head deeper in his chest as I effortlessly leaned against him, sobbing quietly.

“I’m tired Byungjoo. I’m tired of all of this. I just can’t anymore. It’s too much” I muttered between my sobs, and if it was someone else they wouldn’t get any of what I said. I mean let’s be logical, what I said didn’t make any sense. It was damn blurry yet I knew that even if he didn’t show it, Byungjoo knew what I meant. He knew that the world scared me. He knew I was insecure. The only thing he was oblivious of was Hanbin. And at some point of that moment, Hanbin was the last thing I could think of, after he was the only thing filling my head this morning. Byungjoo whispered comforting words soothingly against my hair, leading my sobs to tone down. I finally circled my arms around his waist and was ready to stay like this forever. Because at that moment, I wasn’t feeling alone anymore. 

And nothing really mattered more than that.

#6

L.I.E: Love is Exacting#4

#1 #2 #3

I bluntly walked home, mind in deep thoughts thus occasionally bumping against Byungjoo who was walking next to me. I knew he found it weird, but didn't talk. I was glad. Because I didn't want to talk about it too. Let alone to Byungjoo. 

I've heard it this morning. It was about Hanbin. And I feel so stupid for not knowing this earlier. My whole life was a lie. Hanbin wasn't dating Nayoung. He wasn't. He fucking wasn't, for the love of God, why didn't I happen to hear this anytime before? He and Nayoung were just close friends. He was dating another girl though, another girl that the only thing I knew about her was that her name was Mirae; damn it. I didn't know her. Never saw her. Never heard of her. And I hated it. 

Thinking Hanbin was dating Nayoung made me almost estimate his ideal type, someone like Nayoung; wavy hair, plump lips, petite height and cheerful spirit. However I didn't now this Mirae. How did she look like? How was her personality? Was she short or tall? Fair or tanned? Did she have big puppy eyes or-- 

"Hey watch out" I was brought back to reality when Byungjoo grabbed me by the wrist, moving me aside as I almost hit the pole. I seriously was so deep in thoughts to know where was I walking. 

"Thanks" I muttered 

"Pay attention to your steps okay?" Byungjoo replied and silence fell again 

"Do you wanna talk about it?" He said again, not really demanding, but just friendly offering 

"no" I replied, Byungjoo was the last person I'd tell about this, well, ahem, after Hanbin, but you get what I mean. 

We parted ways as we reached my house, bid goodbyes and both went in.. 

"I'm home" I quietly muttered, enough for someone in the kitchen or the living room to hear. 

Pushing the door to my room open, I threw my backpack somewhere and took off my uniform's jacket, throwing it also over the bed as I laid down. 

I sighed. 

I was tired. Mentally and physically. And I honestly felt so frustrated about Mirae. I was ready to hack into Hanbin's phone and know how did she look like. I was this pathetic. I'd never even try to deny. 

I wanted to know how did she look like. I wanted to know what kind of girls did he like. And I was more than ready to change my style to that. Kill me. I was this insecure. I wanted to impress him so bad. I wanted to date him so bad. Yet look at this, I'm the girl whom he thought was quiet and shit like everyone did but now he thinks I'm bratty as fuck. Great. 

Slipping under my blankets, I felt a lump forming inside my throat, and I knew what was coming next. My eyes got watery. My nose and cheeks felt hot and in few seconds I felt a drop of water sliding down my temple. I cried. A lot. I've always did. For ridiculous reasons. For nonsensical reasons even me didn't know. I was this lame. I made a big deal out of everything and in the end my anger and frustration would turn into tears. 

After a while my eyes felt so heavy and my throat hurt from keeping my sobs silent, and I soon drifted to sleep. I couldn't care less if mom called me for dinner, I'd just tell her I was feeling queasy. And I was more than happy I didn't have homework because my head hurt way too much to deal with studies. 

 -

I woke the next morning looking dead panned. My eyes were way too puffy and eyeliner was everywhere; that’s what you get from sleeping with your make up on Kim Hajin. Washing up quickly I took a new clean uniform out of my closet, noting to myself to wash the other one that evening. Drying my hair had always been a pain in the ass because it gets so annoying and hard to tame however today I had no time to run a Straightener through it all so I just did my short bangs and secured the rest with a clip, today was going to be fucked up anyways. 

I hoped make up would hide my puffy eyes as I put more concealer than usual and drew my liner down longer to give a puppy eye effect which would make the left appearing puffiness look natural, well, I hoped. 

Messily finishing off I put my books in my backpack and hurried downstairs; Byungjoo was already bitching about how late it was. On our way I tried my best looking anywhere but at Byungjoo so he wouldn't notice, or else I have to go through a questionary. Mentally cursing, I remembered that I didn't bring my hoodie as it was cold and I was straight out of the shower. But well I already mentioned that this day was going to be fucked up. 

 - 

 It was reccess time and I went up to the roof again, Byungjoo's teacher didn't let them leave since they had a test so I was alone. 

"Hey" I quickly turned and it was Hanbin. and I could swear this was the fastest I ever reacted to a call. Man he startled me. This is the first time I come here in recess time how did he know I'd be here? Or was he even searching for me? 

"Hmm" I replied trying to sound as null as possible, that was my way of doing "seen" in real life. 

"Is anything wrong" he asked as he walked closer 

"you looked off" he added and I bitterly laughed, he actually noticed, but he was indeed funny. 

"Everything is always wrong" I answered and I felt him staring at me longer than normal and I was getting a bit nervous. 

 "What's wrong with your eyes?" he asked again and I felt his cold hand against the apple of my right cheek. His touch sent a shiver down my spine and my heart pounded faster. I looked up at him. Shit he just noticed. 

"Huh? What?" I tried sounding as clueless as ever 

"What do you mean by what, you look like a beaten squirrel" he said, looking surprisingly concerned and I chuckled 

"Hey, you really know nothing about make up. I just drew my tear line deeper today" I made up, sounding natural as I lied; I've always did. Yet I didn't expect him to notice, some of my classmates commented at it as antear line, why did he have to notice otherwise. 

"Is that so? Alright" he bought my bluff and I mentally pumped my fist. 

It was getting chillier and I saw myself getting sick tonight. And that was confirmed when I quietly sneezed and Hanbin looked as if he couldn't hold his laugh. 

"Bless you" he muttered between his chuckles and I wrinkled my nose. My sneeze was always quiet and high pitched. 

Soon enough Hanbin took of his hoodie and put it over my shoulders, pulling the big Hood over my head, it was reaching my nose so I was seeing nothing but I bet I looked ridiculous. 

"Hey I'm okay" I pushed the Hood up enough to lock eyes with him 

"Are you even talking back" he said and I stayed silent, taken aback of his reply. And it somehow reminded me of what happened with Byungjoo the other day, but Byungjoo had a reason. Or did Hanbin actually-- 

No. 

No he didn't, Hajin. Hanbin left the roof and I trailed far enough behind him. I was screwed. I was way too screwed. What if his girlfriend saw me with this hood on? What was wrong with him? Was he intentionally putting in problems? I don't even know the girl so I'd hide from her, it might be any girl I don't know. I just hoped no one would notice the missing logo because I had the exact same dark gray hood but with a little V on the left. 

Yet I felt my heart stopping for a moment as a girl walked into the classroom and her eyes landed on me for an unexpectedly long time. 

"Mirae!" I heard Hanbin call and the girl took a longer look at me before she marched to the back the room. 

I sighed in relief and that was when I realized I was actually holding my breath that whole time.

It was her, Mirae. I was sure now, she felt suspicious for a moment. Yet I didn't see her face. I was way too nervous that I kept my eyes glued to my desk, having nothing but a blurry vision of her skirt. 

Oh well, guess matching Hanbin's ideal type will have to wait more.

#5

(A/N: if you ever run into this scenario in another blog (taeramisuworld.tumblr.com) don’t worry, that blog is mine too, I post more fluffy-ish scenarios there if you want to check it :))

I missed him. I missed him so much. I missed his smile, his eyes, his voice, his touch, everything about him made me cry my eyes out. 

Me and Taehyung broke up five months ago. Things just weren't working and we had to separate. At first I was okay with breaking up, it sounded fine. It sounded like the best option. Who was I kidding? It was the worst option. If only I didn't rant about it. If only I kept my mouth shut. If only I just dealt with it. If only I was less selfish. If only things could go back to how it was. 

Taehyung was such a beautiful person. Inside and outside. He was the image of perfect in my eyes. From how his eyes sparkled whenever he looked at me, how they almost disappear whenever he smiled widely, how his silky hair looked perfectly amazing in any hairstyle, how it felt so soft against my hands whenever I played with it, how plump his pink lips where, and how sweet they tasted against mine, how his hands sent electricity through my whole body whenever he intertwined our fingers, and how it perfectly fit mine as he securely held onto it, and to how he looked good in any of his outfits, his outfits that I still remember each one of them till now, and how he used to wear that gray sweater a lot, I liked it. And his eyelashes, oh God his eyelashes, this was probably the weirdest thing I liked about him, I'd keep staring at them until he notices that I was staring at them not his eyes, and end up teasing me about it, batting his eyelashes in a silly way. 

But deep down I was happy, because I knew he appreciated that, I knew I was the only one for him, I knew he only saw me in his life, I knew he loved me more than anything else in this world, yet if only I kept that in mind. 

I missed Taehyung. I missed how we used to fool around together. I missed how we used to cuddle under piles of blankets on rainy days. I missed how touchy he was and how I used to get all frustrated at it at first. I missed how I kissed his nose mole and how a small blush would creep its way up his cheeks whenever I did that. I missed how he used to squeeze my face between his palms whenever I was feeling upset, and how I found it ridiculous yet still never failed to make me feel better. I missed how he used to surprise hug me from the back whenever we were meeting for a date, and how he whispered how much he missed me with his deep yet sweet voice, the voice that I loved waking up to everyday, the voice that made my name sound a million times better, the voice of the person that never failed and will never fail to shake up my heart. 

I wanted to get back with Taehyung. I really did. Hell I more than did. And knew that as some point he wanted that too. Yet he was moving on, Taehyung thought he had no other choice, he thought that because I was selfish enough to make him think he was not good enough for me, he thought that because I made him believe he was at wrong. Me and Taehyung didn't break up because of a fight; we never fought. We were the cutest couple out there. We fit too perfectly that some cashiers or waiters would comment on it. 

Yet it wasn't that perfect though. Taehyung had a really crammed work schedule. I would see him once a month if I was lucky. He started work so early and finished late at night, and even when he gets dismissed early, I didn't want to bother him to meet, he would be way too exhausted and in need of sleep. We would text and call often though. And I was more than glad to wake up to a voice message by him everyday, calling me his sweet princess and saying he misses me and loves me so much. 

However that often turned into sometimes, then to rarely. Our phone conversations consisted mainly of asking each other how are we doing, his work, my studies, and me telling him to take a rest after him ranting about how tired he was, it was way too obvious from his voice already. Taehyung was going through a really tough period, he had to work double, if not more. It was for the sake of his promotion. If he got promoted, his salary would be enough to cover all of his needs. He needed it. He wanted it. And I honestly wanted it for him too. Who wouldn't want a better life for her boyfriend. 

Yet it was getting out of hand. Taehyung sometimes didn't even reply my messages. He didn't pick up my calls. I knew the time he was dismissed and always made sure to call after that not to bother him at work. And in parallel he called and texted less often, until we lost contact for some time. And I had enough. I wanted to talk about it. I told him and after convincing him it's not something to say over the phone and that he should spare time for it, we agreed to meet. 

If only we didn't. I still regret that day. I regret it way too much That my eyes tear up when I remember. 

"Look Taehyung, the thing is, I really understand you're really busy with work and all, and that it's really important for you, but don't you think you've been forgetting about us? I was okay okay with it at first. But it's getting out of hand Taehyung. Are we really dating or what?" 

He sighed. 

"Listen babe I'm really sorry. My boss got a thing for me, he won't be letting me upgrade easily. I had to work extra hours and make sure not to make a single mistake. It's not that I forgot you or anything. You're always in my mind okay? You're the one giving me strength when I feel like giving--" 

"Are we really going to listen to this again? This is taking too long Taehyung. If he doesn't want to promote you then quit there. There are plenty of job announcements out there and with a diploma like yours you could get hired easily." 

"It's not as easy as it sounds Haji--" 

"Then spare some time to at least meet for coffee, if it wasn't for the pictures I have of you I would've forgotten how your face looked like goddamn it Taehyung!!" 

"Its going to be over soon" 

"You said that a month ago Taehyung. We need a solution for this" 

He looked at me. And I could still feel how his eye gaze stung my heart. He was afraid. His look was pleading. He was hoping it's not what he thought that I meant. Although a part of him knew there was nothing to do about it. 

"I see this is not working out. I'm sorry." 

I stayed silent. 

"I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for not keeping in mind what you felt about it. I'm sorry for not treating you good enough. I made mistakes. And I honestly think I can do nothing to fix them. I was so bad to you I'm sorry. Forgive me"

"You're forgiven, Taehyung. But I'm afraid this relationship is not going anywhere, and it's better if it ends here. I'm sorry Tae. We're over. But I just want you to know, that I've been really happy in these two years we spent together. And I'm thankful for it." I said as I turned my back and started walking further. 

"I'm sorry. I hope.. you'll meet someone nicer and kinder than me, and would value you enough" 

I stopped as I heard him say this and a lump formed in my throat "I don't think I will.." I muttered before resuming to walk. 

That's how we broke up. And I regret every word that came out of my mouth that day. 

A few days later I got a message that struck me hard. It was Taehyung. I read that message too many time I actually memorized it by heart. 

"Hey. At first I didn't think you would bother to know, but I decided to inform you anyway. I got promoted today. the director changed just the after and I showed him my file, he said I was worth promoting and thus I'm on a higher grade now and have less work hours and more payment. I don't think you'd care now, right? Since that's the reason we broke up. But well, I'm sorry for disturbing you, that's the last you'll hear from me. Take care, do well with your studies. -Taehyung" 

That night I cried. A lot. I couldn't sleep, thinking how much of a horrible creature I was. If I only waited one day. One fucking day. Hell that was not even twelve hours. Why did I have to talk about it. He said it was going to be over soon anyways. i Should’ve trusted him. I should've trusted Taehyung. He knew what was he saying. He had hope in our relationship. He had always thought of me. He had always loved me and only me. He had always cared. Yet I didn't. I was selfish enough not to think of what he felt, what was he going through. He was being terribly unhealthy because of too much work. He had pressure on him the whole time and I just made it worse on him. I wish I didn't. I wish we could come back together. And everything would be just as it was. We wouldn't meet for several months and I wouldn't mind for all I care. Having in mind that he won't ever forget me. He won't ever stop loving me. 

About two weeks later the new month came. And I honestly wasn't doing any good in moving on overTaehyung. I dreamt of him every night. Saw him everywhere. My whole life was missing a piece. I got a message. It was from the bank. It said I received 200 dollars from a more than familiar account number. Followed by another message 

"Hey this is Taehyung, just in case you deleted my number. Sorry, I said I won't bother you again but, even though we broke up, I'll still share my salary with you till you have a boyfriend. If not, till you graduate. Don't take part time jobs okay? Take care -Taehyung" 

Tears welled up in my eyes. I was crying uncontrollably. he didn't just send me the monthly money. He doubled it. Since he got promoted. He had always hated it for me to have a part time job, as I was a struggling parentless university student. But the fact that he still sent me that even after we broke up shoke me up. Taehyung still cared. He moved on, but he cared. Thats why I loved him. He was nice. He was caring. He didn’t need a person to be related to him or of his circle to help them. He just did so because he was kind. Kim Taehyung was the kindest person I knew. Yet I didn't value him enough. 

I sat at a table in a cafe across Taehyung's work place. It's been three months that I had always been doing this, I went there about ten minutes before his dismissal time, and watched him as he went out of the building. Sometimes with his colleague; Jungkook, happily chatting. His figure slender as ever. He got even more handsome by now I think. And I hated the fact that other girls can look at him now. And that he wasn't mine anymore. The most perfect guy on earth wasn't mine anymore. Because I wasn't patient and understanding enough. 

I wasn't going to move on overTaehyung. I will never do. Thus I'll never date again I guess. No one would be worth more than Taehyung. He was the only one in my eyes and will forever be. Yet I was glad this was my last year of university. I was going to graduate soon and he won't have to spend money on the girl that broke his heart, the horrible girl that wasn't understanding enough, the ignorant girl that didn't stand by him in his hardest moments yet gave him more pressure. 

I took a sip of my warm mocha as my heart tingled in excitement. He will go out soon. I wonder what is he wearing today. I hope he'll come out with Jungkook, I want to see him smiling. He always looks good when smiling.

Once you get this you have to say 5 things you like about yourself, publicly. Then, send this to your 10 favorite followers ~Positivity is cool 💕

Thank you anon! I've actually already done this,I thought maybe I'd do it again but then I realized I don't have much stuff I love about myself Hahahahhaha haha ha :'D

Midnight Thoughts: Taehyung (BTS)

Um, hi 

you probably don't know me

oh sure you don't

I don't know you either, I just randomly dialed your number to be honest

wait don't block

I just wanted to, um, vent a bit, if that is possible 

Please don't reply till I'm done tho, it'd be more comfortable that way

it's okay if you aren't gonna read this, I just need to let this out, it's been heaving on my chest for enough time

uhh, so where to start

You'd probably find what's bothering me ridiculous, call me weird. I don't care. I just roll that way, maybe I'm depressed. Who knows?

I'm at a point where I don't even know what's bothering me anymore, you know, when a lot of things just pile up and you can't figure out what you're upset about

I broke up with my boyfriend a while ago, I mean he broke up with me, on my birthday. Funny, isn't he?

We were supposed to go to Japan, you know, spend a few days there including my birthday. It was his idea, he paid and everything and I found it so sweet.

the flight was at 2am, two hours through my birthday. We reached the airport an hour before and If I said I wasn't excited I would be lying.

it was time to transfer to the boarding room when he broke the news to me.

he said we had to break up. I still remember every little thing he said that day. the truth was that he had a scholarship to major in dancing in Japan, and while we were both studying veterinary together he was also studying dancing in parallel without me knowing. He said he didn't believe in long distance relationships and that it was better if we stopped dating. 

He didn't pay for my ticket or anything. He was going by himself and left me standing in the middle of the airport while he accessed the boarding room.

that night I got drunk. for the first time. I had a friend who worked at a coffee shop that turned into a bar by nighttime.

he tried comforting me and telling me to stop drinking. I couldn't.  I just couldn't. I wanted to forget about what had just happened.

of course, and you probably figured out that, I didn't. 

My family knew about what happened soon after. My parents scolded me a lot. Since I spent forever to convince them it was okay to date him and that we weren't going to end soon. I even thought we could get married. I tried to convince them that he was the one and that he wasn't going to distract me from my studies, which seemed like the only fucking thing occupying their mind. I almost thought they don't see me as a human anymore, but as exam marks.

They were really mad and I eventually got into a fight with them. They kept claiming they knew from the beginning that he wasn't good news and he was going to dump be anyways. Goodness how would they even fucking know.

I was practically alone. I had a close friend who was in Paris by the time, and I really didn't Want to bother her with my bullshit, the girl was living her dream of becoming a designer after all. 

I was lost. My marks started dropping and I didn't contact my parents or they'd be furious with me. I had no desire to eat and skipped meals often, eventually getting sick a lot. I am sick right now actually, I keep on sneezing 

and to top it the owner of the apartment I'm living in informed me by the beginning of the following month that he'd increase the renting fee. And of course I had nothing to say about it. I spent forever to find this studio so I had no choice but to accept.

I of course had no money, and also no plans of asking my family for money. I didn't have any one to borrow money from even if I wanted. How pathetic. life is funny 

I got a part time job. I started working at the coffee shop I had a friend in, Serving early in the morning and late in the evening before the place turned into a bar. Also known as the only free time I had from college. 

I didn't want to work the nighttime because I honestly didn't want to end up between someone's legs.

I automatically got close to that friend, since he was the only one I knew there. we had been meeting for over three years and I felt comfortable around him

Until I fell for him. I didn't know how it happened but I did. 

long story short, I confessed one day and he rejected me. Oh sure he would. He said he saw me as a younger sibling that he cared for. And here I had the tiniest hope he was doing so because he mirrored my feelings. I told you life is funny. Too funny that I just noticed that I'm crying now.

I told him to forget about it and that we should just stay friends like we were. I really didn't want to lose someone else.

one day I got dismissed of college early and had a meeting with a high school friend. Of course we met at that same coffee shop. 

She saw my friend and she immediately fell for him. I actually didn't blame her, he was too fine that girls would try to flirt with him everyday. 

Long story short she asked me to hook her up with him, since she knew I worked there and was close to him.

she started coming more often to the café and as much as it made me deranged I tried making the two close, and it worked. They started dating and I never felt lonlier.

I spent most of my time working, studying, working again, studying at home and chatting with a close online friend from Japan.

she had been my friend since forever and we never got the chance to meet. 

Then one day she told me she'd be coming to Korea for a few days, also informing me that her boyfriend was coming along which I didn't bother about at all. 

In fact, I did. I still remember that day clearly. The day I was waiting for her to come in this restaurant and she came in, hand in hand with her boyfriend, who was none other than my ex.

both of us were surprised to see each other again, I had a terrified face on while he just looked at me as if he was saying oh hey you actually managed to still be alive. My friend was so confused when I suddenly ran away. I was crying. And no where in hell was I going to let him see me cry because of him.

just when I thought he was long gone and I could forget about him he came again 

and that's how I started all the way from zero. Trying to erase him from my memory. I couldn't forget the look on his face that day. He was almost smirking impressedly. He knew I was too attached to him and that I turned into a mess after he left.

My friend understood the situation later and apologized to me. I told her there was nothing to apologize about and there really wasn't. Its not like she knew he was my ex and dated him on purpose.

So for now, I'm still working and studying. The others are still dating so I dont see any of them often. 

Exams are coming and I don't really think I'm ready, which is not of me at all 

I'm kind of a perfectionist you see, I like to have everything prepared and set for anything. good grades, good looks, good manners. I wanted them all. Call me selfish 

I never had good looks to begin with. I never went out without make up. I guess it just worked out like this. I'm insecure about how I look and I would never lie about it.

I keep strict track of my weight and starve myself if I gain any. 

Even though people tell me I'm fine. What are 52kilos for a 169cm tall girl? I was already underweight. But I didn't care. I would never be satisfied with how I look anyways 

I'm now just sitting here in my bed while hugging Baby Lion, my favorite lion plush. 

He's better than them all I think. If Baby Lion was a person I would've dated him. He seems like he'd never leave me.

sorry for spamming you, I hope you aren't bothered with all of my ranting -you probably are- 

you don't even know me and I rudely interrupted your peace with my problems, really sorry

if you ever read this, thanks. It actually helped me out a bit. They say letting out your heart to a stranger makes you feel better 

If it's possible can I vent to you whenever I'm feeling down? Id still do even if you say no tho just saying, you can not read them if you want

again sorry for disturbing you, take care 

good night.

-

Hello, you didn't send a message in a while now so I think you're, uhh, done now, or fallen asleep

Don't cry. Trust me just don't, it's not worth it, everything ain't worth it

I may not be in the right place to talk, I just got to hear your story, I don't even know your name or whatsoever

but I believe you should just brush it all off.

Your ex? Screw him

so what if he went to Japan? Good for him. Are you really going to let him have all the fun there while you sulk in your bed bawling your eyes out about him? Guess not, if he isn't bothered about leaving you, then why are you? Let him be, if he wants to be an asshole that's his problem. Also if you think he might do it again, inform your friend.

Your family? Its about time they realize you're not just about your grades. Have a serious talk with them. But before everything, I think you should apologize. You know for fighting with them. Then make things up.

Your job? I really hope you quit it. I don't know why, but I'm not the least comfortable when I see a girl having a parttime job. Try to make up with your parents and ask them for money instead.

your friends? Let those two date, even though you might be a bit hurt seeing them together. Just make them notice they've been leaving you behind, and not just because they were dating that they can stop talking to you or seeing you often.

I don't know about the Japanese one, I told you, if you think your ex might ditch her too, tell her to break up with him before it's too late.

You do what you think is best.

And uh considering that I don't know you and I never saw you I don't think you'd believe me but I really think you're beautiful. Everyone is. And there is no reason for you not to.

if you want to wear makeup, wear it. Just don't feel insecure about your natural face.

Also don't strave yourself. Like seriously, don't. Youre more than fine so go ahead and eat whatever you want.

I bet you're looking too unhealthy considering you're 169cm tall (oh hey tall girl right there, that's rare these days!)

You should really just feel good about yourself, because that's what makes you different. No, that's what makes you limited edition; if that feels better.

So for now please wipe away those tears and stop crying, that if you're still awake. go take a good warm shower and sleep while, uh, hugging Baby Lion.

nice to meet you, if you ever feel down don't hesitate to message me. Or we can do it face to face. Over two good warm mugs of coffee. You have my number.

I mean I'm not courting you or anything I uh

I would just also feel good about myself for helping someone, haha

Take care, good night

ps: I'm Taehyung

-

I'm Hajin.

here is a loving hugging bear for those who are struggling now.

❤     ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ      ❤

Favorite Jinyoung Looks (1/∞)

L.I.E: Love is Exacting #1

He sat at the back of the class, earphones plugged and not a single shit given about the world. I didn’t really mind. I sat on the first table by the door and was class president. I had a bad habit of leaning my back on the wall not my chair so I technically had a perfect view of him; if only he wasn’t sleeping with his blazer over him the whole time or not even attending class. He was a bit taller than me, as I was a somehow tall girl myself, oh well I didn’t really mind this too, why am I even mentioning that. Many girls were probably envying my perfect spot and would pay me to take that desk. Lets face it though, he had a girlfriend, I mean come on, he looked like it. But he also looked like a player, I mean let me reformulate that; he knew he was good looking, and the fact that he thought every girl would be fawning at him with a glance annoyed the shit out of me, because he keeps staring holes into me, probably expecting me to care, but I didn’t, hell why would I, I don’t boys that’s a first, second I’d rather die in a dirty hole than be interested in him, yet he didn’t like it, he wanted me falling for him and I knew it, his arrogant self wouldn’t let him sit and watch how Kim Hajin ignores his existence while the rest of girls were all over him. Kim Hanbin just didn’t know how different I was.

I’m usually lonely on lunch time, well let’s face it, I’ve always been alone in everything, funny isn’t it? I didn’t really mind. And I slowly grew comfortable to the silence. It was my best friend, and I almost hated when someone interrupted that, probably one of my classmates “kindly” offering the quiet shy girl company, giving a famous “why are you sitting alone?”. It was because I enjoyed being alone the most, I enjoyed silence’s company the most. Silence was nice. You could always talk to silence. Yet it would never judge you. Music was nice too, I liked music. Ballady hip hop. Yes I didn’t look like it. I looked more like someone who’d listen to Barbie songs honestly. but well they say what you show is not always what you hide. People thought I was quiet because I disliked them, was complexed or just because I only minded my studies, I don’t blame them though. I actually disliked them all anyways. no one was worthy as a friend. But come on let’s be honest; I don’t even see the use of having a friend, I mean I can manage alone. I’m pretty fine alone. I am totally in no need of fake human beings by my side that act nice in front of me. And I’m also in no need of calling them my friends just because I saw them five days a week. I was growing annoyed of the fuss in the classroom. I was the type to pack a few snacks and have them for lunch in the classroom while others ate in the canteen. That place was way too crowded and noisy for me. However today was different, we had a math test this afternoon and so, many of my classmates stayed in class to “study”; Our teacher was strict as a clock. And no matter how much I tried ignored the girl that sat behind me calling my name around ten times now, she wouldn’t shut up and I was ready to shove a knife into her eyes, too bad I didn’t have one. Sorry not sorry for being sadistic. But that girl annoyed me; not like everyone didn’t. She was new, and probably didn’t know me well. Although they found it weird, my classmates grew used to me being in my own world, and never really bothered to talk to me between periods or when I’m having my earphones on, hell they wouldnt even dare, but I see she didn’t get it yet, well I hope she does before I get jailed because of her. Having enough I quietly got up and placed my backpack on my chair before pushing it under my desk; no one dared to touch my stuff so I didn’t really mind leaving it there. “Hajin are you okay? You actually got up!!” One of my classmates exclaimed, as if she just realized I actually had legs. Well I was known for not leaving my desk since I come in the morning unless a teacher told me to do something. I saw no need in wasting my energy, my classmates got up between every period, roaming around or peeking from the door to check if the teacher came. I gave her a small smile before secretly scowling at Hanbin and his girlfriend at the back of the classroom, hands intertwined and mirrored cheesy smiles. They were the definition of disgusting, oh well, not like he didn’t intertwine hands or initiated skinship with other girls. I wonder how his girlfriend is okay with that, or if she does even know. On the other hand I was kind of surprised how my classmates easily bought my fake smiles. I mean wasn’t my cold attitude obvious enough? Poor kids, thought I was the pink angel. I headed out of class, no where to go in precise. I just needed somewhere quiet, which was hard to find by the moment because you’d probably find a couple by each classroom. Ew. I looked once more at those stairs and halted my steps. Should I go? They lead to the rooftop, I had no idea how it looked like but I was hella sure it’d be quiet up there and that it’s going to be nice. Thinking twice I resumed walking. I was a coward, who am I kidding? I never took risks because I was a coward, I always followed the rules because I was a coward, I never talked to my classmates because I was a coward. I was afraid of rejection, afraid of people, of their judging, their deadly stares and terrifying whispers. I let my insecurities overcome my likes. I was a weak person, I knew it, yet I did nothing about it. I let my weakness control me, I let people’s opinions manipulate my life. Kind, nice, shy, studious; that’s what they thought I was; no. Thats what they wanted me to be. Mute, insecure, antisocial; that’s what I saw myself as, after trying to match their expectations. It wasn’t that people didn’t dare to talk to me when I’m with my earphones on. It wasn’t that they didn’t dare to touch my belongings just because they were mine. It was that they didn’t care, I wasn’t important, I was nothing, and I knew it. I was afraid of Hanbin too. I wanted to impress Hanbin and I knew it. I liked him. Yet I kept fooling myself that I didn’t, that I was cool enough to not care about any boy, that I was just different and he wasn’t my style, that I really didn’t want him to be interested in me and get close to me like my other classmates. Hanbin didn’t want me to fall for him, he didn’t even care about my existence. I was jealous of them and I knew it. Why are those girls close to him and I’m not? Why does he initiate the talk with them but never talks to me unless I was the only one in class and he needed to ask about a teacher? I really liked Kim Hanbin and I more than knew it. Yet the weak person I am told me to shut up and deal with it. I knew I had a chance of getting of close to him, what was easier than starting a conversation with Hanbin? Maths? Physics? Building a jackpot? Well everything was easier for me than that. I was going to finish my last year in high school crushing on Hanbin without anyone knowing but silence, yet guess what? I knew it.

#2 

L.I.E: Love is Exacting #7

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #6

Leaving the rooftop, Hanbin lead the way downstairs. "Yah Hanbin" I stopped at my tracks. My body froze just before turning to descend the left stairs as I heard a female voice calling. "oh, Mirae" I heard Hanbin say, I could distinguish the surprise in his voice, he was smiling awkwardly,  I could guess "Where were you? What were you doing there?" The girl asked and I bit my lip and as my heart hammered inside my chest *please don't say anything stupid please don't say anything stupid* I repeated over and over in my head as I waited for the boy to utter a word for what seemed to be two eternities. What if he tells her? Ill be doomed. Goddamn doomed. "Just walking around, turned out it's locked up there" Hanbin casually answered and I mentaly sighed in relief, I had a hast urge to go up and hug him for being smart once in his life. "What are you doing here, go to class, hurry" I heard Hanbin say "Seems like you're ditching too so really" Mirae said through pouty lips "No my baby needs to study hard" the boy cooed and I rolled my eyes Eventually, Hanbin managed to shoo his girlfriend away without her finding out I was there. He cane back to the staircase after walking her half way to her classroom to find me leaning on the wall, arms crossed "You guys are quite disgusting" I said and heard him chuckle. Yes, I finally had the chance to say this. And no, I didn't regret that. "Girls love sweet talking" he replied as a matter of fact and I gave him a look. It hasn't been a long time since we started talking but I think he got the message that I wasn't too into that. "You're special okay" Hanbin added as he ascended the stairs till he was on the same one as me "You're still sweet talking" I replied in a tone, not annoyed, but way too done with this boy and his tongue. "Hey, you haven't eaten a thing" Hanbin said again and almost put a hand over my shoulder as we descended the stairs to the main hall. I couldn't believe this. This was just so wrong. Way too wrong. I was actually talking to Hanbin, I was almost getting close to him; my crush. Now this can't be true. And as much as I knew how unlucky I was, I was enjoying that although it won't probably last for long. "Are you even listening" I snapped out of my thoughts and found myself walking out the gates of school with Hanbin on my right side. I was looking more human by the time. "Huh?" Was all I could utter as I tried to process what was happening "I said let's go get something at the café nearby" hanbin repeated so casually that it didn't even sound wrong to my ear at all. "Uhh yeah, let's" I replied, trying to sound neutral as I we walked side to side further from school. So I'm technically having a date with Hanbin. Holy shit. Great now slap me for having that thought. the road to the coffee shop was rather short. We soon arrived and were seated on a table in the far inside of the shop. "I'll go get two hot chocolates" Hanbin said after putting his almost empty backpack down and headed to the counter, not even bothering to ask me what would I like to have, or even if hot chocolate was fine. What a gentleman. Hanbin soon came back with two large mugs, placed one next to me and took a seat as he put down his. he leaned back and gave me a look "Why do you look unamused" he asked, not really demanding "Haven't I always looked unamused" I answered as a matter of fact "do you really feel so" he paused then insisted again "Try and guess-" I replied after taking a sip of my drink "You get on my nerves" Hanbin chuckled and looked away in disbelief "Good" I commented with a smirk "Look who's finally in a good mood" he mirrored my smirk Ouch. That was a good comeback. He caught me off guard. "Not me" I chuckled "Yeah of course" Hanbin replied, amused and we both smiled as we locked eyes we left the coffee shop after and resumed walking, it wasn't really the perfect day to but well. Hanbin then stopped at a small hill by the riverbank and we both comfortably sat down; him laying even. It was a really beautiful place to relax. I stared at the peaceful water glowing under the still strong rays of the sun, as I felt Hanbin playing with strands o coaly black hair. maybe the fact that Hanbin came wasn't bad after all. "So.. back in the rooftop, would you like to tell me what made you sad now?" okay. I take that back. Frowning I sighed "did you have to ruin the mood now" "I'm just concerned" "I told you you didn't have to" "I just want to help goddamn it!" Hanbin finally snapped almost loudly and I looked at him. He sat up and look at me intensely ".... is that possible" he added and I sighed, resting my forehead on my knees, elbows supporting my head "I don't know... I just... I just don't know" And the next thing I knew is that I was crying. Again.

#8